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CARLETON,  Publisher,  NEW  YORK. 


T  H  K 


ART  OF  AMUSING 


KEING  A  COLLECTION  OF  GRACEFUL  ARTS,  MERRY  GAMES,  ODD 
TRICKS,  CURIOUS  PUZZLES,  AND  NEW  CHARADES.     TOGE 
THER    WITH   SUGGESTIONS   FOR   PRIVATE    THEATRI 
CALS,   TABLEAUX,    AND   ALL   SORTS   OF   PARLOR 
AND   FAMILY   AMUSEMENTS. 


A    VOLUME     INTENDED     TO    AMUSE    EVERYBODY    AND    ENABLE    ALL    TO    AMUSE 
EVERYBODY    ELSE  ;     THUS    BRINGING    ABOUT     AS     NEAR    AN    APPROXI 
MATION    TO   THE    MILLENNIUM  AS  CAN  BE  CONVENIENT 
LY     ATTAINED     IN     THE    COMPASS    OF    ONE 
SMALL   VOLUME. 


BY  FRANK  BELLE W. , 


WITH  NEARLY  150  ILLUSTRATIONS  BY  THE  AUTHOR. 


NEW  YORK: 


Carleton,  Publisher,  4.13  Broadway, 

London  :    S.  Low,  Son  &*  Co. 

MDCCCLXVI. 


(5r\/i&oi 


Entered  according  to  A<51  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1866,  by 

GEO.  W.  CARLETON, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  Distria  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the  Southern 
District  of  New  York. 


To  J.  C.  W. 


To  you,  my  little  kinsman,  I  dedicate  these  pages, 
Tho'  not  so  wise,  perhaps,  as  some  you've  read  by  graver  sages ; 
They're  not  without  a  purpose,  and  I  trust  ?.  kind  and  true  one, 
Older  than  eighteen  hundred  years,  still  good  as  any  new  one. 

If  they  could  cheer  some  winter  nights,  and  make  some  days  seem  brighter, 

I'd  feel  I'd  paid  a  groat  or  so, 

Of  that  great  debt  of  love  I  owe, 
To  one  at  rest  who,  long  ago,  dealt  kindly  by  the  writer. 

F.  B. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  I. — Something  censorious. — Declaration  of  Independence. — 
Card  puzzle. —  The  magic  coin. — A  hoax. — The  telescopic  visitor. — 
Boy's  head  knocked  off 7 

CHAPTER  II.— Colored  mesmerism 17 

CHAPTER  III. — Lemon  pig  and  root  dragon. — P  ortrait  of  the  gorilla. — 
Creature  comforts. — High  shoulders. — Theatre  and  theatrical  perform 
ances. — Nose  turned  up  and  teeth  knocked  out  without  pain.  —  The  Long- 
nosed  Night-howler,  or  Vulgar  is  Pueris  cum  Papyrus  Cap  itzts. — Imita 
tion  banjo  on  piano. — Some  conjuring  tricks.—  The  reduced  gentleman^ 
or  dwarf  perforce 20 

CHAPTER  IV.— The  voice  of  the  Night-howler.— The  play  of  Punch  and 
Judy,  with  full  directions  for  producing  the  same. — Charade  on  rattan.  38 

CHAPTER  V. — Parlor  arts  and  ornaments,  comprising  apple-seed  mice, 
turnip  roses,  beet  dahlias,  and  carrot  marigolds. — Counting  a  billion. — 
The  algebraic  paradox. — A  nswer  to  charade  on  rattan. — Riddles,  etc..-  56 

CHAPTER  VI.— A  patent  play 72 

CHAPTER  VII. — Pragmatic  and  didactic  discourse. — Aunty  Delluvian^ 
her  party. —  The  duck  and  double-barrelled  speech. —  The  dwarf. — Trick 
with  four  grains  of  rice. — Riddles,  etc 81 

CHA  PTER  VII I.—  The  dancing  Highlander  and  Matadore 99 

CHAPTER  IX.— A  nswer  to  trick  with  four  grains  of  rice.— How  to  make 
an  old  apple-woman  out  of  your  fist 105 

CHA  P  TER  A'. — A  bout  giants,  and  how  to  make  them - no 

CHAPTER  XL— A  merry  Christmas.— The  boomerang.— Optical  illu 
sion. — How  to  turn  a  young  man's  head. —  The  tiger-dog,  how  to  make 
him. — The  elephant,  how  to  make  him. — Two  queer  characters. — Captain 
Dawk  and  Colonel  Gurramuchy H3 


932969 


VI  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  XII.— Hanky-panky,  instruction  in  the  art 134 

CHAPTER  XIII.— A  tranquil  mood.— Transparencies  of  paper.— The 
dancing  pea. — A  rtificial  teeth 138 

CHAPTER  XIV.—Artemus  Ward,  parlor  edition 157 

CHAPTER  XV.— Butty  wingle  the  Beloved.  A  drama  for  private  per 
formance 164 

CHAPTER  XVI. — A  quiet  evening. — Fruit  animals. —  Window  staining. 

—Oddities  with  pen  and  ink 189 

CHAPTER  XVI I.— A  country  Christmas.— The  trick  trumpet.— Eatable 
candle. — How  to  cut  off  a  head. —  Ventriloquism. —  The  jumping  rabbit. 
•— Santa  Claus  arrives 199 

CHA  P  TER  XVIII.— The  bird-whistle,  how  to  make  it 219 

CHAPTER  XIX.— A  quiet  party.— Electric  nose.— Miniature  camera.— 

The  hat  trick  — The  magician  of  Morocco 222 

CHAPTER  XX — Theatrical  red  and  green  fire,  how  to  make  them. — 

How  to  get  up_  a  theatrical  storm 232 

CHAPTER  XXI.— Card-board  puzzles,  the  cross,  the  horseshoe,  the  arch..  238 

CHAPTER   XXII,— The  muffin   man. — Earth,  air,  fire,   and  water. — 

The  broken  mirror 243 

CHAPTER  XXIII— A  t  a  watering-place.— A  ladies'1  fair.— Three  sticks 
a  penny. — Smoking  a  cigar  under  water. — Firing  at  a  target  behind 
you. — Firing  firewater. — A  practical j oke. — Explosive  spiders 254 

CHAPTER  XXIV.— Arithmetical  puzzles.— The  wolf,  the  goat,  and  the 

cabbage. — A  Iderman  Gobble1  s  six  geese,  etc.,  etc. 264 

CHAPTER  XXV.- Charades 271 

CHAPTER  XXVI.— The  art  of  transmuting  everything  into  coral 274 

CHAPTER  XXVII— Acting charades 279 

CHAPTER  XXVIII— The  worship  of  Bud 299 


1 A  tt  -work  and.  no  play, 
Makes  Jack  a  dull  boy: 


CHAPTER  I. 


ERHAPS  one  of  the  great  £oci 

of  the  American  is/that  be  .does, 
not  amuse  himself  ertfuglv  at  -least 
in   a   cheerful,    innocent  manner. 
We  are  never  jolly.     We  are  terri 
bly   troubled    about   our   dignity. 
All  other  nations,  the  French,  the 
German,  the  Italian,  and  even  the 
dull  English,  have  their  relaxation, 
their    merry-making ;    but    we — 
why,  a  political  or  prayer-meeting 
is  about  the  most  hilarious  affair 
in  which  we 
ever  indulge. 
^     The    French 
peasant  has 
his  ducas  almost  every  week,  when  in  some  rustic 


8  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

orchard,  lighted  with  variegated  lamps,  ornamented 
with  showy  booths,  he  dances  the  merry  hours 
away  with  Pauline  and  Josephine,  or  sips  his  glass 
of  wine  with  the  chosen  of  his  heart  in  a  canvas 
cabaret,  whilst  the  music  of  a  band  and  the  voices  of 

a 

a  hundred  merry  laughers  regale  his  ears.  He  has, 
too,  numberless  fetes,  which  he  celebrates  with 
masquerades  and  other  undignified  kinds  of  jollifi 
cation.  At  these  entertainments  all  are  welcome, 
high  and  low,  and  all  conduct  themselves  with  a 
pfctftertgast  worthy  of  our  best  society — only  more. 
We,,  the  writer,  of  this,  have  often  and  often  danced 
'at  t&ese^tf/y  thampetres  with  a  hired  girl,  a  cook,  or 
a  nurse  for  our  partner.  Does  it  not  sound  ple 
beian  ?  The  Germans  enjoy  endless  festivals  and 
gift  periods,  when  they  have  the  meanness  to 
offer  each  other  little  presents  "that  an't  worth 
more  than  two  or  three  cents  ;"  but  they  are  tokens 
of  love  and  kindness,  which  make  them  all  feel  bet 
ter  and  happier.  Then  our  grumpy  friend,  John 
Bull,  has  his  free-and-easies,  and  his  cosy  tavern 
parlor-meetings,  and  song-singings,  and  his  dinner 
parties,  and  his  tea-fights,  at  which  latter,  be  the 
host  rich  or  poor,  you  will  get  a  good  cup  of  tea, 
and  tender  muffins,  and  buttered  toast,  and  cake, 
and  shrimps,  and  fresh  radishes,  and  Scotch  mar 
malade,  or  similar  delicacies. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  9 

A  delightful  repast  and  a  cosy  chat,  followed, 
perhaps,  by  a  rubber  of  whist  and  a  glass  of  wine  or 
whiskey-punch,  or  mug  of  ale,  according  to  the  con 
dition  of  the  entertainer ;  then  there  is  a  general 
"unbending  of  the  bow,"  and  no  one  is  troubled 
about  his  dignity.  We  have  seen,  ourselves,  in 
England,  in  a  stately  old  castle,  a  party  of  lords 
and  ladies — for  we,  like  the  boy  who  knew  what 
good  victuals  were,  having  been  from  home  several 
times — even  we  have  seen  good  company — we 
say  that  we  have  seen  a  party  of  lords  and  'ladies, 
knights  and  dames  of  high  degree,.«aad  of  mature 
years,  romping  and  frolicking  together,  'like  a  lot  of 
children,  playing  Hunt  the  Slipper,  Puss  in  the 
Corner,  and  Blindmaris  Buff,  without  the  remotest 
idea  that  they  had  such  a  thing  as  dignity  to  take 
care  of;  and  no  one  seemed  to  have  the  slightest 
fear  that  any  one  of  the  party  could  by  any  possi 
bility  do  anything  that  would  offend  or  mortify  any 
one  else.  The  fact  is,  gentlemen  or  gentlewomen 
can  do  anything ;  all  depends  on  the  way  of  doing 
it.  If  you  are  a  snob,  for  heaven's  sake  don't  be 
playful ;  keep  a  stiff  upper  lip  and  look  grave  ;  it  is 
your  only  safety. 

However,  we  are  improving.  We  have  skating 
clubs.  We  play  cricket  and  base  ball.  We  dine 
later,  and  take  things  a  trifle  more  leisurely. 


10  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

Theatre-going,  our  chief  amusement,  can  hardly  be 
reckoned  a  healthy  relaxation,  though  well  enough 
now  and  then.  Sitting  in  a  cramped  attitude,  in  a 
stifling  atmosphere,  is  not  conducive  to  moral  or 
physical  development.  What  we  need  are  informal 
social  gatherings,  where  we  may  laugh  much  and 
think  little,  and  where  dignity  won't  be  invited  ; 
where  we  need  not  make  ourselves  ill  with  bad 
champagne  and  ice-starch,  nor  go  into  the  other 
extreme  of  t  platitudes,  ice-water  and  doughnuts  : 
t>uvt?  whftfe\rx>th  body  and  mind  will  be  treated  con- 
,side^tely,;l:efiderly,  generously. 

Now'  we  are  going  to  give  a  few  hints  that  may 
help  to  make  little  meetings  such  as  we  mention 
pass  pleasantly ;  and  should  any  of  our  austere 
readers  be  afraid  to  risk  our  programme  in  full,  they 
can  call  in  the  children  and  make  them  shoulder 
the  responsibility.  "  It  is,"  you  can  say,  "  a  child's 
party,"  and  then  you  can  enjoy  all  the  fun  yourself. 
The  juveniles  will  not  object. 

If  merely  for  the  purpose  of  promoting  conversa 
tion,  something  ought  to  be  done,  on  all  occasions 
of  social  gatherings,  something  to  talk  about,  some 
thing  that  will  afford  people  an  excuse  for  getting 
from  their  seats,  something  to  bring  people  to 
gether,  something  to  break  the  ice.  We  have  seen 
a  whole  party  of  very  estimable  people  sit  round  the 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  II 

room  for  hours  together  in  an  agony  of  silence,  only 
broken  now  and  then  by  a  small  remark  fired  off  by 
some  desperate  individual,  in  the  forlorn  hope  that 
he  would  bring  on  a  general  conversation. 

In  our  little  sketches  we  shall  be  discursive, 
erratic,  and  unsystematic,  just  as  the  fancy  takes 
us.  Still,  there  will  be  a  method  in  our  madness  ; 
we  shall  try  to  give  in  each  chapter  a  programme 
somewhat  suited  to  some  one  season,  and  of  suffi 
cient  variety  and  quantity  to  afford  amusement  for 
one  evening. 

In  the  first  place,  we  must  remark,  in  a  general 
way,  that  we  like  a  large  centre-table.  It  is  some 
thing  to  rally  round,  it  is  handy  to  put  things  on, 
and  convenient  for  the  bashful  to  lean  against.  On 
this  table  I  would  accumulate  picture-books,  toys, 
and  knick-knacks — little  odds  and  ends  which  will 
serve  as  subjects  for  conversation.  If  you  can  do 
no  better,  make  a  pig  out  of  a  lemon  and  four  lucifer 
matches,  or  an  alligator  out  of  a  carrot.  But  we 
will  give  some  detailed  instructions  on  this  point 
in  a  future  chapter.  Any  simple  puzzles,  numbers 
of  which  can  be  made  out  of  cards,  will  be  found 
helpful.  Take,  for  example,  a  common  visiting- 
card,  and  bend  down  the  two  ends,  and  place  it  on 
a  smooth  table,  as  represented  in  the  annexed 
diagram,  and  then  ask  any  one  to  blow  it  over. 


12  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

This  seems  easy  enough  ;  yet  it  is  next  door  to  an 
impossibility.  Still,  it  is  to  be  done  by  blowing 
sharply  and  not  too  hard  on  the  table,  about  an 


inch  from  the  card.  Another  little  trick  consists 
in  making  a  coin  (if  such  a  thing  is  to  be  found 
nowadays)  stick  to  the  door.  This  is  done  by 
simply  making  a  little  notch  with  a  knife  on  the 
edge  of  the  coin,  so  that  a  small  point  of  metal  may 
project,  which,  when  it  is  pressed  against  the  wood 
work,  will  penetrate,  and  so  cause  the  dime  or 
half-dime  to  appear  to  adhere  magically  to  a  perpen 
dicular  surface.  When  you  have  exhibited  one  or 
two  tricks  of  this  kind,  some  other  member  of  the 
party  may  have  something  to  show.  Then,  having 
secured  the  confidence  of  your  audience,  you  may 
venture  to  play  a  hoax  upon  them.  Never  mind 
how  trifling  or  how  old  these  things  are,  they  will 
serve  the  purpose  of  making  people  talk.  Say,  for 
example  :  '•  Now,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  will  show 
a  trick  that  is  worth  seeing.  There  are  only  two 
people  in  the  United  States  that  can  execute  it — 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  13 

myself  and  the  Siamese  Twins.  First  of  all,  I  must 
borrow  two  articles  from  two  ladies — a  pocket- 
handkerchief  and — a  boot-jack."  Of  course  no  one 
has  the  boot-jack ;  so,  pretending  to  be  a  little  dis 
appointed,  you  say :  "  Never  mind ;  I  must  do 
without  it.  Will  some  gentleman  be  kind  enough 
to  lend  me  three  twenty-dollar  gold  pieces  ? "  Of 
course  no  one  has  these,  either ;  so  you  content 
yourself  with  borrowing  two  cents.  You  place  one 
in  each  hand,  and  extending  your  arms  wide  apart, 
assure  your  audience  that  you  will  make  both  pen 
nies  pass  into  one  hand  without  bringing  your  arms 
together.  This  you  do  by  laying  one  on  the  man 
tel-piece,  and  turning  your  whole  body  round,  your 
arms  still  extended,  till  the  hand  containing  the 
other  coin  comes  over  the  place  where  you  laid 
down  the  cent ;  then  you  quietly  take  it  up,  and  the 
trick  is  performed. 

After  a  little  conversation,  you  can  try  something 
which  requires  a  little  more  preparation.  The  ser 
vant,  whom  you  have  previously  instructed,  comes 
into  the  room  and  announces  that  "  that "  gentle 
man  has  called  to  look  at  the  pictures.  You  desire 
him  to  be  shown  in,  and  a  short,  broad-shouldered 
man  makes  his  appearance.  Soon  after  he  enters, 
he  turns  his  back  on  the  company  and  begins  to 
examine  the  works  of  art  on  the  wall,  lengthening 


14  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

and  shortening  his  body  to  suit  the  height  of  the 
object  he  wishes  to  inspect.  This  is  performed  by 
your  little  brother  or  son,  aided  by  a  broom,  a 
couple  of  cloaks,  and  a  hat.  How,  you  will  doubt 
less  be  able  to  understand  by  looking  at  the  sub 
joined  picture. 


Another  trick   of  the  same   order   can   be   per- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  15 

formed  in  this  wise :  The  servant  comes  in  to 
inform  you  that  a  naughty  little  boy — Jacky  or 
Willy — in  another  room  won't  eat  his  custard,  but 


will  cry  for  ice-cream,  or  roast-beef,  or  alligator- 
soup.  Every  one  is  invited  into  the  room  to  see 
this  singular  child.  You  find  him  seated  on  a  high 


1 6  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

chair,  with  a  very  dirty  face,  making  grimaces. 
You  take  the  dish  of  custard  in  one  hand  and  a 
large  spoon  (the  larger  the  better)  in  the  other,  and 
begin  to  expostulate  with  him  on  his  perversity,  but 
all  to  no  effect ;  he  only  cries  and  makes  faces. 
You  then  tell  him  if  he  does  not  behave  better  you 
will  be  obliged  to  knock  his  head  off.  He  con 
tinues  not  to  behave  better,  whereupon  you  give 
him  a  tap  with  the  spoon,  and,  to  the  surprise  of  all, 
his  head  rolls  off  on  to  the  floor.  Your  audience 
then  find  out  that  the  naughty  boy  was  made  of  a 
pillow  and  a  few  children's  clothes,  whilst  the  head 
was  supplied  by  Master  Jacky  or  Willy,  ingeniously 
concealed  behind  the  chair. 


CHAPTER   II. 


A  GOOD  practical  joke  to  play  in  a  rollicking 
party,  where  you  can  venture  to  do  it,  is  that  of 
mesmerizing ;  you  of  course  manage  beforehand  to 
lead  the  conversation  to  the  subject  of  mesmerism, 
then  profess  to  have  wonderful  powers  in  that  line 
yourself.  After  more  or  less  persuasion,  allow 
yourself  to  be  induced  to  operate.  You  then  say : 

"  Well,  I  will  try  if  there  is  any  person  in  the 
company  who  is  susceptible  to  the  magnetic  influ 
ence.  It  is  only  in  rare  cases  we  find  this  sus 
ceptibility  ;  the  person  must  be  of  exquisitely  fine 
organization  and  steady  nerve.  Few  people  can 
look  one  long  enough  in  the  face  to  come  under  the 
influence ;  and,  if  the  current  be  suddenly  broken, 
the  result  is  apt  to  be  very  serious,  if  not  fatal,  by 
producing  suspended  action  of  the  heart  and  vital 
organs  generally." 


1 8  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

Having  now  fully  impressed  on  your  audience  the 
absolute  necessity  of  keeping  still,  you  begin  to 
look  into  the  eyes  of  different  persons,  press  their 
hands,  make  passes  at  them,  etc.,  as  though  you  were 
searching  for  the  right  temperament.  At  last  you 
come  to  your  intended  victim,  and  pronounce  him 
just  the  man.  You  now  seat  him  in  a  chair,  whilst 
you  go  into  another  room  to  prepare  the  necessary 
implements.  These  are  two  plates,  each  having  on 
it  a  tumblerful  of  water.  One  plate,  however,  must 
be  thoroughly  blackened  at  the  bottom,  by  holding 
it  in  the  smoke  of  a  lamp  or  candle.  This  done, 
you  carry  the  plates  and  tumblers  into  the  audience, 
and  hand  the  one  which  is  black  to  the  victim,  who 
is  seated  in  a  chair. 

Before  commencing  operations,  you  must  warn 
the  audience  that  it  is  absolutely  necessary  that 
they  observe  strict  silence,  as  the  least  word 
or  exclamation  will  break  the  charm,,  and  be 
attended  with  painful  effects  to  both  operation 
and  operatee.  You  may  tell  how,  after  being  once 
disturbed  in  this  manner,  you  had  most  painful 
shooting-pains  in  your  nose  for  fifteen  minutes,  that 
being  the  point  in  contact  with  your  ringer  at  the 
moment  of  interruption.  All  this  is  to  prevent 
any  one  giving  vent  to  some  exclamation  calculated 
to  betray  the  trick  to  your  victim. 


COLORED  MESMERISM.— See  page  19- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  19 

You  now  seat  yourself  opposite  the  subject,  and 
desire  him  to  keep  his  eyes  steadily  on  yours,  and 
imitate  the  motions  of  your  fingers.  You  then  com 
mence.  First,  you  dip  your  finger  in  the  water, 
and  draw  it  down  the  centre  of  your  nose ;  he  does 
the  same  ;  then  you  rub  the  bottom  of  your  plate 
with  your  fingers,  and  draw  it  over  your  chin  ;  he 
follows  your  example,  and  makes  a  black  smudge  on 
his  face  ;  you  rub  the  bottom  of  the  plate  again,  and 
draw  your  finger  over  your  nose,  and  so  on  for 
several  minutes,  till  the  victim  has  smeared  him 
self  all  over  with  black.  You  then  rise  and  com 
pliment  him  on  the  steadiness  with  which  he  under 
went  the  ordeal,  adding,  however,  that  he  has  too 
powerful  a  nervous  organization  for  you  to  operate 
on.  The  victim  will  generally  rise  with  a  rather 
complacent  smile  at  these  compliments,  at  which 
point  the  audience  will  generally  explode  with 
laughter.  The  victim  looks  puzzled — more  laughter 
— the  victim,  thinking  they  are  laughing  at  your 
failure,  joins  in  the  merriment,  which  generally  has 
the  effect  of  convulsing  every  one,  when  the  climax 
is  reached  by  handing  a  mirror  to  the  unhappy 
'operatee,  who  usually  looks  glum,  and  does  not  see 
much  fun  in  the  joke. 


CHAPTER  III. 


WE  will  now  describe  a  little  party  we  attended 
at  a  country  house  one  Christmas,  some  years  ago  ; 
and  should  any  of  our  readers  find  aught  in  the 
entertainment  they  think  worth  copying,  they  can 
do  so. 

When  we  arrived  at  Nix's  house  all  the  company 
had  assembled — it  consisted  of  about  ten  grown 
people  and  a  dozen  children.  All  were  in  a  chatter 
over  a  couple  of  little  objects  on  the  centre-table. 
The  one  a  pig  manufactured  out  of  a  lemon,  and 
the  other  a  dragon,  or  what  not,  adapted  from  a 
piece  of  some  kind  of  root  our  friend  Nix  had 
picked  up  in  the  garden.  We  alluded  to  these 
works  of  art  in  our  last  chapter,  and  now  give 
a  couple  of  sketches  of  them.  As  will  be  seen, 
they  are  very  easy  of  manufacture,  and  not  exces 
sively  exciting  when  made,  but  they  serve  to  set 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  21 

people  talking.  One  person  told  the  story  of  Foote, 
or  some  other  old  wit,  who,  at  a  certain  dinner- 
table,  after  numerous  fruitless  efforts  to  cut  a  pig 


out  of  orange-peel,  retorted  on  his  friend  who  was 
quizzing  him  on  his  failure  :  "  Pshaw !  you've  only 
made  one  pig,  but  (pointing  to  the  mess  on  the 
table)  I  have  made  a  litter."  Then  some  one  else 
discovered  a  likeness  between  the  dragon  and  a 
mutual  friend,  which  produced  a  roar  of  laughter. 
Then  a  child  exclaimed,  "  Oh  !  what  a  little  pig ! " 
and  some  one  answered  her :  "  Yes,  my  dear,  it's  a 
pigmy."  Then  a  young  lady  asked  how  the  eyes 
were  painted,  and  a  young  gentleman  replied : 
"  With  pigment."  Whereupon  a  small  boy  called 
out,  "  Go  in  lemons  !  "  which  was  considered  rather 
smart  in  the  small  boy,  and  he  was  told  so,  which 
induced  him  to  be  unnecessarily  forward  and  pert 
for  the  rest  of  the  evening  ;  but  as  he  never  suc 
ceeded  in  making  another  hit,  he  gradually  sim 
mered  down  to  his  normal  condition  towards  the 
end  of  the  entertainment.  One  group  got  into  con- 


22  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

versation  about  the  dragon,  the  dragon  led  to 
fabulous  animals  generally,  fabulous  animals  to  ante 
diluvian  animals,  these  to  pre- Adamite  animals,  and 
so  in  a  few  minutes  they  were  found  deep  in  the 
subject  of  Creation  ;  whilst  the  group  next  to  them, 
owing  to  some  one's  having  conjectured  whether  my 
friend's  piece  of  sculpture  could  walk,  and  some  one 
else  having  suggested  that  it  might  be  made  to  do 
so  by  means  of  clock-work  or  steam,  had  got  on  to 
the  subject  of  machinery,  modern  improvements 
flying-machines,  and  were  away  two  thousand  years 
off  in  the  future,  making  a  difference  of  no  less  than 
ten  thousand  years  between  themselves  and  the 
other  party.  At  about  this  juncture  of  affairs,  we 
happened  to  notice  a  book  on  the  table  treating  of 
a  certain  very  interesting  animal,  the  newly  dis 
covered  African  ape,  a  subject  which  was  attracting 
a  good  deal  of  attention  at  that  time.  We  took  the 
work  in  our  hand  and  read  on  the  cover  the  inscrip 
tion  :  "  Portrait  of  the  Gorilla."  "  Nix,"  we  said  to 
our  friend,  still  holding  the  book  in  our  hand, 
"if  all  we  hear  of  this  gorilla  be  true,  it  must  be 
a  most  extraordinary  animal,  although  I  am  rather 
inclined  to  be  sceptical  in  the  matter ;  however,  I 
have  no  right,  perhaps,  to  form  an  opinion,  as  I 
have  never  looked  into  the  subject ;  but  I'll  get 
you  to  lend  me  this  book  to-morrow.  I  will  take 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  23 

t 

the  greatest  care  of  it,  and  return  it ;  yes,  I  will,  upon 
my  word  of  honor.  You  never  knew  me  fail  to 
return  any  work  you  lent  me."  This  we  said  rather 
warmly,  thinking  we  detected  a  somewhat  suspi 
cious  smile  playing  round  the  corner  of  our  friend's 
mouth.  "  Oh  !  yes,  certainly,"  replied  he  ;  "  you 
can  have  it  with  pleasure — though  I  think  your 
doubts  will  vanish  when  you  have  looked  into  it" 
We  did  not  notice  specially  that  all  eyes  were  upon 
us.  We  carelessly  opened  the  volume,  and  there, 
by  all  the  spirits  ever  bought  and  sold !  was  a  neat 
little  mirror  between  the  covers  of  the  book,  and 
reflected  in  it  our  own  lovely  countenance.  Por 
trait  of  the  Gorilla  !  eh  ?  This  was  what  the  boys 
would  call  rather  rough,  but  every  one  except  our- 
self  seemed  to  think  it  quite  funny.  It  was  some 
satisfaction,  however,  to  know  that  every  one  of 
the  party  had  been  taken  in  in  like  manner 
before  our  arrival. 

A  slight  but  pleasant  tinkling  now  fell  upon  our 
ear,  and*  behold !  a  maiden  entered,  bearing  a  tray 
covered  with  tall  crystal  minarets,  and  transparent 
goblets,  which  sparkled  and  twinkled  in  the  lamp 
light,  followed  by  a  more  youthful  figure  supporting 
vessels  of  porcelain  and  implements  of  burnished 
silver,  above  which  wreathed  and  curled  clouds  of 
aromatic  incense  ;  or,  in  other  and  better  words,  two 


24  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

hired  girls  brought  in  coffee  and  punch.  Punch ! 
was  it  punch,  or  was  it  negus,  or  was  it  sherbet  ? 
We  don't  know,  but  it  was  a  pleasant,  moderately 
exhilarating  beverage,  compounded  of  whiskey,  rasp 
berry  syrup,  sugar,  and  orange-flower  water,  and 
manufactured  by  Nix,  as  he  subsequently  explained, 
at  a  cost  of  about  thirty  cents  per  bottle.  A  few 
little  cakes  and  some  plates  of  thin,  daintily  cut 
slices  of  bread-and-butter  accompanied  the  bever 
ages,  and  were  handed  round  with  them.  We  are 
great  believers  in  eating  and  drinking  at  all  social 
gatherings.  It  is  convenient  to  have  something  to 
do  with  your  mouth  when  you  are  stumped  in  the 
way  of  conversation.  If  suddenly  asked  a  puzzling 
question,  or  hit  in  the  chest  with  a  sarcasm,  what  a 
resource  is  a  glass  of  wine  or  cup  of  coffee,  in  which 
to  dip  your  nose  whilst  you  collect  your  ideas,  or 
recover  your  breath.  Besides,  they  give  you  some 
thing  to  do,  generally,  in  a  small  way.  They  afford 
opportunities  for  small  attentions,  and  excuses  for 
rising  from  your  seat,  or  moving  from  one  part  of 
the  room  to  the  other.  Added  to  which,  wine  and 
coffee  and  cakes  are  nice  things  to  take — you  have 
the  gratification  of  an  additional  sense.  Then,  too, 
these  little  things  are  refreshing,  and  put  you  all  in 
good-humor.  Therefore,  for  all  these  good  reasons, 
and  many  more,  we  insist  on  refreshments,  and  we 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  2$ 

insist,  too,  upon  some  kind  of  vinous  stimulant ; 
this  ice-water  and  doughnut  business  has  been 
carried  altogether  too  far  ;  had  we  less  of  it  in 
our  homes,  less  money  would  pour  into  the  coffers 
of  the  bar-keeper.  If  persons  are  teetotallers,  all 
very  well ;  we  respect  their  opinions,  and,  perhaps, 
decline  their  invitations  ;  but  for  people  who  have 
no  moral  scruples  on  the  subject,  to  ask  you  to 
visit  them,  and  then  insist  on  your  drinking  red- 
hot  weak  green  tea,  when  you  are  already  ner 
vous,  perspire  readily,  have  a  tender  gullet,  and 
hate  the  confounded  stuff  any  way,  is  downright 
tyranny,  and  the  very  opposite  of  all  hospitality 
and  true  Christian  charity.  However,  our  friend 
Nix  held  orthodox  views  on  this  question  ;  so  all 
went  well.  By  dint  of  helping  each  other  to 
things  we  did  want,  and  offering  each  other  things 
we  didn't  want,  with  the  aid  of  a  cup  of  coffee  for 
those  that  liked  coffee,  and  a  glass  of  punch  for 
those  who  liked  punch,  not  to  forget  the  little 
cakes,  which  came  in  quite  handy  to  nibble  at  occa 
sionally,  we  all  began  to  feel  wonderfully  at  our 
ease,  and  quite  sociable.  The  conversation  did 
not  flag  much  ;  but  once  when  it  showed  a  slight 
tendency  to  wobble,  Nix  set  it  in  motion  again 
by  introducing  the  subject  of  optical  illusions  in 
connexion  with  the  height  of  objects.  After  inform- 


26  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

ing  us  that  a  horse's  head  was  exa6lly  as  long  as 
a  flour-barrel,  and  that  a  common  stove-pipe  hat 
was  as  broad  across  the  crown  as  it  was  high 
from  the  brim  to  the  top  (both  of  which  state 
ments  were  argued  pro  and  con),  he  drew  our 
attention  to  the  vast  difference  the  position  of  the 
shoulders  make  in  a  man's  height.  This  he  illus 
trated  by  walking  from  the  audience  with  his 
shoulders  in  their  natural  position,  until,  having 
traversed  half  the  length  of  the  room,  he  suddenly 
raised  them,  as  represented  in  the  accompanying 
sketches.  The  effect  was  quite  startling,  and  very 


ludicrous.     All  the  male  part  of  the  company  tried 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  2/ 

their  shoulders  at  this  experiment,  even  down  to 
Freddy  Nix,  a  little  three-year-old,  who,  after  duck 
ing  his  head  down  on  his  chest,  and  toddling  off 
across  the  room,  returned  swaggering,  evidently 
under  the  impression  that  he  had  made  a  perfect 
giant  of  himself  by  the  operation. 

This  was  nominally  a  child's  party,  so  we  were 
to  have  some  performances.  The  folding-doors 
into  the  adjoining  parlor  were  closed,  and  one  or 
two  members  of  the  company  who  were  to 
be  performers  retired.  In  a  few  moments  the 
doors  opened  and  revealed  an  extempore  stage. 
The  kitchen  clothes-horse,  beautifully  draped  and 
decorated,  \  formed  the  background  ;  while  on  a 
line  with  the  foot-lights  were  two  heads,  one  at 
each  side  of  the  stage,  intended  to  represent 
Tragedy  and  Comedy.  They  were  simply  two  large 
pumpkins  with  grotesque  faces  marked  on  them 
with  black  and  white  paint.  In  less  than  no  time 
a  most  remarkable-looking  stranger  stepped  for 
ward  and  began  to  address  us.  Every  one  stared, 
and  wondered  whence  this  singular-looking  person 
could  have  come,  for  we  hardly  supposed  that  Nix 
could  have  had  him  secreted  in  the  house  all  the 
evening  for  our  special  surprise.  At  last  it 
dawned  upon  us,  one  by  one,  that  the  individual  in 
question  was  no  other  than  Mr.  Graham,  a  very 


28 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


staid  gentleman,  who  had  been  with  us  a  moment 
before.  The  annexed  brace  of  sketches  will  show 
the  appearance  of  Mr.  Graham  off  and  on  the  stage. 


But  how  was  this  change  effected  ?  We  will 
explain.  In  the  first  place  he  had  procured  a 
narrow  strip  of  black  silk,  which  he  had  drawn 
round  one  of  his  front  teeth,  with  the  two  ends 
inside  his  mouth,  which,  at  a  very  short  distance, 
looked  exactly  as  though  he  had  lost  one  of  his 
teeth.  (A  little  piece  of  court-plaster  stuck  on  the 
tooth  will  answer  the  same  purpose.)  Then  he  had 
made  a  loop  of  horse-hair  or  grey  thread,  and  secur 
ing  two  of  the  ends  to  the  lining  inside  his  hat,  had 
hooked  up  the  end  of  his  nose  with  the  other ;  in 
fact,  he  had  put  his  nose  in  a  sling.  This  altered 
the  character  of  his  whole  face,  so  that  his  own 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  29 

wife  would  not  have  known  him  had  she  not  heard 
him  speak.  He  now  addressed  the  audience  in  a 
long,  funny,  showmanic  rigmarole,  of  which  we 
only  remember  the  following : 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  you  have  all  heard  of 
the  Ornithorhyncus,  which,  as  you  are  aware,  is 
a  species  of  duck-billed  Platypus.  You  are  fami 
liar  with  the  habits  and  appearance  of  the  Ororo 
Wow ;  and  you  have  listened  to  the  sweet  notes 
of  the  Catomonsterbung  ;  but  you  are  entirely  igno 
rant  of  the  newly-discovered  creature  known  to 
scientific  men  as  the  Long-nosed  Night-Howler,  or 
Vulgaris  Pueris  cum  Papyrus  Capitus.  This  ex 
traordinary  animal  is  chiefly  sugariverous  in  its  diet, 
though  it  will  eat  almost  everything  when  driven 
by  hunger.  It  is  perfectly  tame,  and  will  only 
attack  human  beings  when  it  feels  like  it.  I  will 
now  proceed  to  exhibit  this  extraordinary  creature, 
requesting  you  only  not  to  run  pins  into  the  ani 
mal,  as  it  does  not  like  that  style  of  thing.  Bring 
in  the  Night-Howler ! ! " 

The  last  words  were  addressed  in  a  loud  voice  to 
an  assistant  outside,  who  immediately  appeared, 
leading  an  animal  such  as  is  represented  in  the 
annexed  cut.  This  monster  began  immediately  to 
emit  the  most  hideous  and  unearthly  noises,  as 
became  the  Night- Howler.  After  walking  round 


30  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

among   the   audience  once  or  twice,  the  Vulgaris 


Pueris   retired  behind   the   curtain.      The   accom 
panying  sketch  will  explain  how  the  Night-Howler 


is  made.  ^Beyond  the  boy  and  the  boots  and  the 
brown-paper  cap,  all  that  is  wanted  is  a  rough 
shawl  or  large  fur  cape.  The  howl  is  produced  by 
means  of  one  or  two  instruments,  into  the  con 
struction  of  which  we  will  in  a  future  chapter  initi 
ate  our  readers.  With  one  of  these  instruments  the 
most  varied  tones  may  be  produced,  from  the  grunt 
of  the  hog  to  the  most  delicate  notes  of  the  canary. 
The  performance  now  proceeded  :  the  second  act 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  31 

being  some  feats  of  strength  by  one  of  our  party 
who  had  the  necessary  physical  ability  for  that  kind 
of  display.  These  embraced  the  following  pro 
gramme,  each  feat  being  announced  by  Mr.  Show 
man  with  some  extravagantly  pompous  title  : 

Balancing  chair  on  chin. 

Holding  child  three  years  old  at  arm's  length. 

Lying  with  the  head  on  one  chair  and  the  heels 
on  another  without  any  intermediate  support,  and 
in  this  position  allowing  an  apparently  heavy  but 
really  light  trunk  to  be  placed  on  his  chest. 

The  whole  wound  up  by  his  dancing  a  negro 
breakdown  to  imitation  banjo*  on  the  piano,  the 
entire  audience  patting  Juba. 

Now  another  performer  appeared  on  the  stage, 
dressed  in  extravagant  imitation  of  the  one  who  had 
preceded  him,  and  commenced  parodying  in  a  still 
more  extravagant  style  all  the  motions  of  the  pro 
fessional  acrobat.  We  expected  something  grand  ! 
After  innumerable  flourishes  he  brought  forward 
a  small  three-pound  dumb-bell,  laid  it  on  the  floor, 
and,  bowing  meekly  to  the  audience  in  different 
parts  of  the  house,  he  stooped  down  as  though 
about  to  make  an  immense  muscular  effort,  grasped 


*  Should  any  of  our  friends  not  know  how  to  produce  an  imitation  of  the  banjo  on 
a  piano,  we  may  as  well  inform  them  that  it  is  done  by  simply  laying  a  sheet  of  music 
over  the  strings  during  the  performance. 


32  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

the  dumb-bell,  slowly  stretched  it  forth  at  arm's 
length,  held  it  there  a  second  or  two,  and  then  laid 
it  down  again,  made  a  little  flourish  with  his  hands, 
and  a  low  bow,  just  as  they  do  in  the  circus  after 
achieving  something  extra  fine.  In  this  way  the 
performer  went  on  burlesquing  till  we  all  roared 
with  laughter.  When  he  had  retired,  a  conjuror 
appeared  and  exhibited  numerous  tricks,  such  as 
the  ring  trick,  tricks  with  hat  and  dice,  cup  and 
ball,  etc. ;  but  as  all  these  need  machinery,  we  will 
not  describe  them  at  present.  One  or  two,  how 
ever,  we  may  explain.  No.  i.  The  performer  pre 
sented  a  pack  of  cards  to  one  of  the  audience  and 
begged  him  to  select  a  card ;  this  the  performer 
then  took  in  his  own  hand,  and  carried  it  with  its 
face  downward,  so  that  he  could  not  see  it,  and 
placed  in  the  middle  of  the  floor  of  the  stage  ;  he 
then  produced  a  large  brown-paper  cone,  and 
placed  it  over  the  card,  and  commenced  talking  to 
the  audience,  telling  them  what  he  could  do  and 
what  he  could  not  do :  finally  he  informed  the 
audience  that  he  could  make  that  card  pass  to  any 
place  he  or  they  chose  to  name.  Where  would 
they  have  it  ?  One  said  one  place,  one  another, 
till  finally  he  pretended  reluctantly  to  accede  to 
one  particularly  importunate  person's  wishes,  and 
declared  that  it  should  be  found  in  the  leaves  of  a 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  33 

certain  book  on  a  certain  table  at  the  back  of  the 
audience — and  there  it  was,  sure  enough.  This  was 
done  by  having  a  piece  of  waxed  paper  attached  to 
a  thread  lying  ready  in  the  middle  of  the  floor ;  on 
this  waxed  paper  the  conjuror  pressed  the  card, 
the  thread  being  carried  out  under  the  screen  at 
the  back,  where  stood  a  confederate,  who  quietly 
pulled  the  card  out  from  under  the  cone,  and  while 
the  conjuror  was  talking  he  walked  round,  entered 
by  another  door,  and  placed  the  card  in  the  book, 
where  it  was  subsequently  found. 

Another  trick  consisted  in  his  allowing  a  person 
to  draw  a  card  which  he  was  requested  to  examine 
carefully,  and  even  to  mark  slightly  with  a  pencil. 
While  the  spectator  was  doing  this,  the  performer 
turned  round  the  pack  in  his  hand  so  as  to  have  all 
the  faces  of  the  cards  upwards  except  the  top  one, 
which  showed  its  back  ;  he  then  desired  that  the 
card  might  be  slipped  anywhere  into  the  pack  ;  he 
then  shuffled  them  well.  Of  course,  on  inspecting 
the  pack  he  soon  detected  the  selected  card,  it 
being  the  only  one  with  its  face  down,  which,  after 
various  manipulations,  putting  under  cones  and 
what  not,  he  returned  to  the  audience  much  to 
their  surprise. 

These  efforts  at  legerdemain  were  certainly  not 

very  brilliant,  but  they  amused  the  audience  and 

2* 


54  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

were  easy  to  do.  We  should  like  to  give  a  few 
more  of  his  simple  tricks,  but  with  one  illusion- 
trick  we  will  close  the  chapter,  for  which  purpose 
it  will  serve,  as  it  formed  \\\z  finale  to  the  conjuror's 
performance. 

He  stepped  forward  and  said  : 

"  I  have  shown  you  many  wonderful  things,  but 
they  are  as  nothing  compared  to  what  I  can  do. 
My  supernatural  power  is  such  that  I  can  lengthen 
or  compress  the  human  frame  to  any  extent  I  please. 
You  doubt  it  ?  Well,  I  will  show  you.  You  see  Mr. 
Smith,  yonder  ;  he  is  a  rather  tall  man  ;  six  feet  two, 
I  should  judge  ?  Well,  I  will  throw  him  into  a 
trance,  and  while  he  is  in  that  state,  I  will  squeeze 
him  down  to  a  length  of  about  three  feet,  and  I  will 
have  him  carried  to  you  in  that  condition.  I  must 
only  insist  upon  one  thing,  and  that  is,  that  you  do 
not  say  hokey  pokey  winkey  fumm  while  he  is  in  the 
trance ;  for  if  you  do  it  might  wake  him  up,  and 
then  he  would  be  fixed  at  the  height  of  three  feet 
for  the  rest  of  his  life ;  I  could  never  stretch  him 
out  again." 

Mr.  Smith  was  requested  to  step  behind  the 
curtain.  He  walked  forward,  pale  but  firm  and 
collected.  Soon  after  he  had  disappeared  we  heard 
strange  noises  and  fearful  incantations,  accompanied 
by  a  slight  smell  of  brimstone  and  a  strong  smell 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  35 

of  peppermint.  After  a  few  minutes  the  tall  Mr. 
Smith  was  carried  in  on  the  shoulders  of  two  men 
a  perfect  dwarf,  as  promised  by  the  conjuror,  and 
as  represented  in  the  following  cut. 


How  this  is  managed  will  become  tolerably  clear 
to  the  reader  on  examining  the  next  diagram. 

The  tall  Mr.  S.  had  put  a  pair  of  boots  on  his 
hands,  a  roll  of  sheeting  round  his  neck,  so  as  to 
form  something  resembling  a  pillow,  behind  his 
head ;  then  something  on  his  arms  under  his  chin 
to  represent  his  chest  (which  is  not  shown  in  the 
diagram),  and  over  that  a  baby's  cradle-quilt,  and 
then  he  rested  his  boots  on  another  gentleman's 


36  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

shoulders  ;  two  long  sticks  were  provided  and  slung 
as  represented,  and  the  miracle  was  complete.     We 


have  seen  the  figure  lengthened  to  an  inordinate 
extent  by  the  same  process,  the  only  difference 
being  that  the  gentlemen  were  further  apart. 

Mr.  Nix's  party  concluded,  after  several  other 
games  and  amusements,  with  a  neat  bat  inexpen 
sive  entertainment,  consisting  of  sandwiches,  sar 
dines,  cold  chicken,  cakes,  oranges,  apples,  nuts, 
candies,  punch,  negus,  and  lemonade.  But  every 
thing  was  good  of  its  kind ;  the  sandwiches  were 
sandwiches,  and  not  merely  two  huge  slices  of 
bread  plastered  with  butter,  concealing  an  irregu 
lar  piece  of  sinew  and  fat,  which  in  vain  you  try  to 
sever  with  your  teeth,  till  you  find  yourself  obliged 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  37 

to  drop  the  end  out  of  your  mouth,  or  else  to  pull 
the  whole  piece  of  meat  out  from  between  the 
bread,  and  allow  it  to  hang  on  your  chin  till  you 
cram  it  all  into  your  mouth  at  once.  His  were  not 
sandwiches  of  that  kind,  but,  as  we  said  before, 
sandwiches  ;  the  cakes  had  plenty  of  sugar  in  them, 
and  so  had  the  lemonade.  But,  above  all,  what 
made  these  little  trifles  the  most  enjoyable  was  the 
taste  displayed  by  some  one  in  the  decoration  of 
the  table  with  a  few  evergreens,  some  white  roses 
made  out  of  turnip,  and  red  roses  out  of  beets,  not 
to  mention  marigolds  that  once  were  carrots,  nor 
the  crisp  frills  of  white  paper  which  surrounded  the 
large  round  cakes,  nor  the  green  leaves  under  the 
sandwiches,  the  abundance  of  snowy  linen,  shining 
knives  and  forks,  and  spoons.  But  we  must  con 
clude  ;  what  we  wish  particularly  to  impress  upon 
the  minds  of  our  readers  by  thus  dwelling  on 
sandwiches  and  fine  linen  is,  that  you  cannot 
afford  to  ignore  one  sense  while  you  propose  to 
gratify  another ;  they  are  all  intimately  related 
and  bound  together  like  members  of  a  fire  com 
pany  ;  if  you  offend  one,  all  the  others  take 
it  up. 


CHAPTER   IV. 


IN  our  last  chapter  we  promised  to  explain  the 
nature  of  the  little  instrument  by  which  the  Night- 
Howler  produced  those  "  hideous  and  unearthly 
noises  "  to  which  we  alluded.  We  will  now  proceed 
to  do  so  ;  and  as  this  instrument  is  the  same  as 
that  used  by  showmen  in  the  play  of  Punch  and 
Judy,  we  cannot  do  better,  while  we  are  about  it, 
than  instruct  our  readers  how  to  get  up  a  Punch 
and  Judy  show. 

First,  with  regard  to  the  instrument.  It  is  a  very 
simple  affair :  get  two  small  pieces  of  clean  white 
pine,  and  with  a  sharp  knife  cut  them  of  the  shape 
and  size  of  the  diagram  marked  I.  Then  put  these 
two  pieces  together  as  represented  in  Figure  2, 
having  previously  slipped  between  them  a  piece  of 
common  tape,  also  represented  in  the  diagram 
(the  tape  must  be  just  the  same  width  as  the 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


39 


wood) ;  then   wind  some  thread  round  the   whole 
thing   lengthwise    (to   keep   the   bits  of  wood  to 


gether  and  the  tape  taut),  and  the  Punch-trumpet 
is  made,  as  represented  in  figure  3.  Place  the 
instrument  between  your  lips  and  blow ;  if  you 
cannot  produce  noise  enough  to  distra6t  any  well- 
regulated  family  in  three-quarters  of  an  hour,  we 
are  very  much  mistaken. 

To  produce  variety  of  notes  and  tones,  as  well 
as  to  speak  through  it,  after  the  manner  of  the 
Punch  showmen,  the  instrument  must  be  placed 
well  back  in  the  mouth  near  the  root  of  the  tongue, 
in  such  a  position  that  you  can  blow  through  it  and 
at  the  same  time  retain  free  use  of  your  tongue. 
A  little  practice  will  enable  you  to  do  this,  and  to 
pronounce  many  words  in  a  tolerably  understand- 


40  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

able  manner.  To  discover  this  last  item  in  the 
use  of  the  instrument,  simple  as  it  is,  cost  the 
writer  of  this  an  infinity  of  trouble  and  some 
money ;  and  it  was  not  until  after  two  years' 
hunting  and  inquiry,  and  the  employment  of  agents 
to  hunt  up  professors  of  Punch  and  Judy,  that  we 
discovered  an  expert  who,  for  a  handsome  fee,  ex 
plained  the  matter ;  and  then,  of  course,  we  were 
amazingly  surprised  that  we  had  never  thought  of 
it  before.  From  the  same  expert  we  learned  how 
to  make  another  instrument  by  means  of  which 
it  is  possible  to  imitate  the  note  of  almost  every 
animal,  from  the  hog  to  the  canary-bird.  We  soon 
compassed  the  hog,  the  horse,  the  hen,  the  dog,  the 
little  pig,  and  something  that  might  be  called  the 
horse-linnet,  or  the  hog-canary ;  but  ere  long  we 
found  that  considerable  practice  was  necessary  to 
enable  us  to  accomplish  the  finer  notes  of  the  sing 
ing-birds.  How  to  make  this  latter  instrument  we 
will  explain  in  a  future  chapter ;  at  present  we 
must  go  on  with  the  play  of  Punch  and  Judy. 

We  commence  instructions  with  a  view  taken  be 
hind  the  scenes,  which  will  help  the  description 
(see  cut  on  page  40).  We  may  state  that  the 
London  showmen  carry  about  with  them  a  species 
of  little  theatre  of  simple  construction,  which  is  of 
course  better  than  a  mere  door-way  ;  but  as  the 


PUNCH  AND  JUDY,  BEHIND  THE  SCENES.— ^«  page 


THE  ART  OF  AMI/SING.  41 

latter  will  answer  the  purpose,  and  many  people 
will  not  care  to  make  a  theatre,  we  will  at  present 
content  ourselves  with  that  which  every  house 
affords. 

In  the  play  of  Punch  and  Judy  there  are  many 
characters — indeed,  you  can  introduce  almost  as 
great  a  variety  as  you  please  ;  but  the  leading  ones 
are  : 

Mr.  Punch,  a  merry  gentleman,  of  violent  and 
capricious  temper. 

Judy  (wife  of  Punch). 

Baby  (offspring  of  Punch  and  Judy). 

Ghost. 

Constable. 

The  heads  of  these  characters  can  be  made  in  seve 
ral  ways.  The  first  is  to  get  the  necessary  number 
of  common  round  wooden  lucifer  match-boxes  and 
some  red  putty.  With  the  putty  you  make  the 
noses  and  chins  of  the  characters  (all  except  the 
Ghost,  who  requires  no  nose).  With  a  camel's- 
hair  brush  and  a  little  India-ink  or  black  paint  you 
mark  out  the  features  strongly,  taking  care  to  make 
the  eyes  and  eyeballs  of  a  good  size,  so  as  to  be  seen 
at  a  distance.  With  a  little  red  paint  or  red  chalk 
you  can  color  the  cheeks,  and  with  a  little  white 
paint  or  white  chalk  give  brilliancy  to  the  teeth 
and  eyes.  The  annexed  cut  will  show  what  the 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


style  of  countenance  ought  to  be  of  each,  No.   I 
being  the  Constable,   No.  2  Judy,  and  No.  3   Mr. 


Punch  himself.  The  Ghost  is  not  represented. 
In  feature  he  is  much  like  the  Constable,  only  that 
his  face  must  be  made  as  white  as  possible,  and 
the  features  simply  marked  out  in  blue  or  green  or 
black.  The  Baby  can  be  made  out  of  an  ordinary 
clothes-pin  or  stick  of  wood. 

If  the  match-boxes  cannot  be  easily  obtained, 
just  roll  up  a  good-sized  card,  as  repre 
sented  in  this  figure,  and  paint  on  it  the 
features.  The  nose  and  chin  can  be 
made  of  a  bit  of  red  rag  or  paper  folded 
up  of  the  desired  shape,  and  either 
sewed  or  gummed  on.  Another  and 
far  better  way  of  making  these  heads 
(though  it  takes  more  trouble),  is  to  get 
a  carpenter  to  cut  out  for  you  four  or  five  pieces 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


43 


of  white  pine  or  other  fine  wood  of  the  shape  of 
the   sketch   annexed,  with   a   hole    in   each   large 


enough  to  easily  admit  your  fore-finger.  From  this 
block  you  can  carve  as  elaborate  a  head  as  you 
please,  and  one  of  larger  size  than  the  match-box, 
which  will  be  advantageous.  The  diagram  marked  O 


will  show  you  how  to  set  about  making  the  carving. 
Having  now  made  the  bald  heads,  you  must  pro 
ceed  to  dress  them.  Punch  must  have  a  bright 
red  cap  with  yellow  tassel  and  binding,  like  the  one 
in  the  accompanying  sketch.  Judy  must  have  a 
white  cap  with  broad  frill  and  black  ribbon.  The 
Constable  must  have  a  wig  made  out  of  some  scrap 


44 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


of  fur  (the  remains  of  a  tippet  or  cuff),  or  if  fur 
cannot  be  procured,  a  piece  of  rope  unravelled  will 


make  a  good  wig.  The  Ghost  only  requires  his 
winding-sheet  drawn  over  his  head.  All  these  can 
be  nailed  on  the  heads  of  the  actors  with  small 
tacks  without  hurting  their  feelings. 

Having  got  the  heads  complete,  we  will  proceed 
to  construct  their  bodies.  These  merely  consist  of 
empty  garments,  the  operator's  hand  supplying  the 
bone  and  sinew.  The  dresses  must  be  neatly  fas 
tened  round  the  neck  of  the  head,  so  that  when  the 
performer  puts  his  hand  inside  the  dress,  he  can 
thrust  his  fore-finger  into  the  hole  in  the  head. 
They  must  of  course  be  sufficiently  large  to  admit 
the  hand  of  the  showman,  each  sleeve  to  admit  a 
thumb  or  finger,  and  the  neck  large  enough  for 
the  passage  of  the  fore-finger.  Thus  the  thumb 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


45 


represents  one  arm,  the  middle  finger  another 
arm,  whilst  the  fore-finger,  thrust  into  the  head, 
supports  and  moves  it  about.  The  style  of  dress 
of  Punch  and  Judy  can  be  easily  seen  in  the  small 
sketch.  The  color  of  Punch's  coat  should  be  red, 
with  yellow  facings,  with  a  hump  sewed  on  his 
back  and  a  paunch  in  front.  Judy  should  have  a 
spotted  calico  and  white  neck-handkerchief.  The 
Constable  had  better  be  attired  in  black,  and  the 
Ghost  and  Baby  in  white.  Each  of  the  sleeves 
should  have  a  hand  fastened  into  it.  The  hands 
can  be  made  of  little  slips  of  wood,  with  fingers  and 
thumbs  marked  on  them.  They  should  be  about  two 
and  a  half  or  three  inches  long,  only  about  three- 
quarters  of  an  inch  of  which,  however,  will  project 
beyond  the  sleeve  ;  the  rest,  being 
inside,  will  serve  to  give  stiffness 
to  the  arm  when  the  performer's 
fingers  are  not  long  enough  to 
reach  the  whole  way. 

Mr.  Punch  requires  a  club  where 
with  to  beat  his  wife,  and  to  per 
form  his  various  other  assaults  and 
batteries.  A  gallows,  too,  should 
be  provided,  on  the  plan  represent 
ed  in  the  diagram,  the  use  of  which  will  be  ex 
plained  hereafter 


46  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

So  much  for  the  performers.  Now  for  the  thea 
tre  and  the  play.  The  theatre  is  easily  made.  A 
narrow  board  about  three  or  four  inches  wide 
should  be  fixed  across  an  open  doorway  just  about 
one  inch  higher  up  than  the  top  of  the  head  of  the 
exhibitor.  From  this  board  hangs  a  curtain  long 
enough  to  reach  the  floor.  Behind  this  curtain 
stands  the  operator,  with  his  actors  all  ready  on  a 
chair  or  table  at  his  side.  He  puts  his  Punch- 
trumpet  in  his  mouth,  gives  one  or  two  preliminary 
root-et-too-teet-toos,  puts  his  hand  fairly  inside  Mr. 
Punch's  body,  and  hoists  him  up  so  that  half  his 
manly  form  may  be  seen  above  the  screen.  A 
glance  at  our  picture,  BEHIND  THE  SCENES,  will 
explain  anything  our  words  have  failed  to  convey. 
The  audience  are  of  course  on  the  opposite  side  of 
the  curtain  to  which  the  performer  stands. 

Before  we  commence  with  the  dialogue  of  the 
play,  we  must  mention  one  very  important  part  of 
the  exhibition.  As  Mr.  Punch's  voice  is,  at  the 
best  of  times,  rather  husky,  it  is  necessary  that  the 
exhibitor  should  have  a  colleague  or  interpreter 
among  the  audience  who  knows  the  play  by  heart, 
and  who,  from  practice,  can  understand  what  Mr. 
Punch  says  better  than  the  audience.  This  person 
must  repeat  after  Punch  whatever  he  may  say,  only 
not  to  wound  his  feelings  ;  he  must  do  so  in  the 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  47 

form  of  questions — for  example,  suppose  Mr.  Punch 
says,  "  Oh  !  I've  got  such  a  pretty  baby  !  "  the  show 
man  outside  must  repeat :  "  Oh  !  you've  got  a  pret 
ty  baby,  Mr.  Punch,  have  you  ?  Where  is  she  ? " 
The  outside  showman  ought  to  have  some  instru 
ment  to  play  on — a  tin  tea-tray  or  tin  pan  will  do — 
and  if  there  is  any  one  to  accompany  him  on  the 
piano  when  Mr.  Punch  sings  a  song  or  dances,  so 
much  the  better.  Now  for  the  play. 

Mr.  Punch  makes  his  dtbut  by  dancing  round  his 
small  stage  in  an  extravagant  and  insane  manner, 
singing  some  rollicking  song  in  his  own  peculiar 
style.  Having  indulged  himself  in  this  way  for  a 
few  seconds,  he  pulls  up  suddenly,  and  looking  over 
the  edge  of  the  screen  at  the  showman  outside,  ex 
claims  : 

Punch.  "  I  say,  old  hoss  !  " 

Showman.  "  I  say,  '  old  hoss  ! '  Mr.  Punch,  that's 
not  a  very  polite  way  to  address  a  gentleman. 
Well,  what  do  you  say  ? " 

P.  "I  say!" 

5.  "  Well,  what  do  you  say  ?  " 

P.  "  I  say  !  " 

5.  "  Well,  you've  said  '  I  say ! '  twice  before. 
What  is  it  you  have  to  say  ? " 

P.  "  I  say  !  " 

5.  "What?" 


48  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

P.  "  Nothing  particular  !  " 

Mr.  Punch  dances  off,  hilariously  singing. 

5.  "  Nothing  particular !  Well,  that  is  a  valua 
ble  communication." 

P.  (Stopping  again).  "  Oh,  you  April  fool !  " 

5.  "April  fool?  No,  Mr.  Punch,  I'm  not  an 
April  fool.  This  isn't  the  first  of  April." 

P.  "  Isn't  it  ?     Well,  salt  it  down  till  next  year." 

5.  "  Salt  it  down  till  next  year  ?  No,  thankee, 
Mr.  Punch.  Guess  you'll  want  it  for  your  own 
use." 

P.  "  Mr.  Showman  ! " 

5.  "Well,  Mr.  Punch?" 

P.  "  Have  you  seen  my  wife  ? " 

5.  "  Seen  your  wife  ?     No,  Mr.  Punch." 

P.  "  She's  such  a  pretty  creature  ! " 

S.  "  Such  a  pretty  creature,  eh  ?  Well,  I'd  like 
to  be  introduced." 

P.  "  She's  such  a  beauty  !  She's  got  a  nose  just 
like  mine"  (touching  his  snout  with  his  little 
hand). 

5.  "  Got  a  nose  just  like  yours,  eh  ?  Well,  then, 
she  must  be  a  beauty." 

P.  "  She's  not  quite  so  beautiful  as  me,  though." 

5.  "  Not  so  beautiful  as  you  ?  No,  of  course  not, 
Mr.  Punch  ;  we  couldn't  expect  that." 

P.  "  You're  a  very  nice  man.     I  like  you." 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  49 

5.  "  Well,  I'm  glad  you  like  me,  Mr.  Punch." 

P.  "  Shall  I  call  my  wife  ? " 

5.  "  Yes,  by  all  means  call  your  wife,  Mr. 
Punch." 

P.  (Calling  loudly).  "Judy!  Judy,  my  dear! 
Judy  !  come  up-stairs  !  " 

Judy  now  makes  her  appearance.  Punch  draws 
back  and  stands  gazing  at  her  for  a  few  minutes  in 
mute  admiration.  Without  moving,  he  exclaims  : 
"  What  a  beauty ! "  then,  turning  to  the  audience, 
he  asks  earnestly  :  "  Isn't  she  a  beauty  ? "  He  now 
turns  to  Judy  and  asks  her  for  a  kiss  ;  they  ap 
proach  and  hug  each  other  in  a  prolonged  embrace, 
Mr.  Punch  all  the  time  emitting  a  species  of  gur 
gling  sound  expressive  of  rapture.  This  is  re 
peated  several  times,  interspersed  with  the  re 
marks  of  Mr.  Punch  on  the  beauty  of  his  spouse  ; 
after  which,  at  Mr.  P.'s  suggestion,  the  couple 
dance  together  to  lively  music  and  the  enlivening 
tones  of  Mr.  P.'s  voice  ;  the  performance  winding 
up  by  Mr.  Punch's  leaning  up  against  the  door  of 
the  theatre  exhausted  and  delighted,  and  giving 
vent  to  a  prolonged  chuckle  of  gratification. 

Punch  now  turns  to  the  Showman  and  asks  him 
if  he  has  ever  seen  his  Baby.  The  Showman  re 
plying  in  the  negative,  Punch  extols  the  beauty  of 
his  offspring  in  the  same  extravagant  strain  as  he 

3 


50  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

has  already  done  that  of  his  wife,  makes  the  same 
comparison  between  his  own  and  the  Baby's  nose, 
declares  that  the  Baby  never  cries,  and  that  she  is 
"  so  fond  of  him" 

The  Baby  is  now  ordered  to  be  brought  up 
stairs,  and  Judy  disappears  to  obey  her  lord's  man 
date.  During  her  absence  Punch  favors  the  com 
pany  with  a  song.  When  Judy  returns,  bearing 
the  infant  Punch  in  her  arms,  Mr.  P.  goes  into  rap 
tures,  calls  it  a  pretty  creature,  pats  its  cheek,  and 
goes  through  all  the  little  endearing  ceremonies 
common  to  fathers.  After  again  informing  the 
Showman  that  his  Baby  never  cries,  and  is  fondly 
attached  to  him,  he  takes  the  infant  in  his  arms, 
whereupon  she  immediately  sets  up  a  continuous 
howl.  Punch  tries  to  hush  and  pacify  it  for  some 
time,  but  at  last,  losing  his  temper,  shakes  it  vio 
lently  and  throws  it  out  of  the  window,  or  in 
other  words,  at  the  feet  of  the  audience.  Judy  is 
of  course  distracted,  weeps  bitterly,  and  upbraids 
her  husband,  when  the  enraged  Mr.  Punch  dives 
down-stairs  and  gets  his  club,  and  whilst  Mrs.  P.  is 
still  weeping,  gives  her  three  or  four  sound  blows 
on  the  back  of  the  head.  This  makes  Mrs.  P.  cry 
still  more,  which,  in  turn,  increases  Mr.  P.'s  wrath, 
who  ends  by  beating  her  to  death  and  throwing 
her  after  the  Baby.  The  Showman  upbraids  Punch 


ART  OF  AMUSING.  5  I 

with  his  crime,  but  Punch  defends  himself  by  say 
ing  it  served  her  right.  However,  he  finally  admits 
that  he  is  naturally  a  little  hasty,  but  then  he  adds, 
"  It's  over  in  a  minute,"  and  that's  the  kind  of  dis 
position  he  likes.  He  further  adds  : 

P.  "  I'm  a  proud,  sensitive  nature." 

S.  "  You're  a  proud,  sensitive  nature,  are  you, 
Mr.  Punch  ?  I  don't  see  much  pride  in  killing  a 
baby." 

P.  "That's  because  you  don't  understand  the 
feelings  of  a  gentleman." 

.S.  "  Because  I  don't  understand  the  feelings  of  a 
gentleman  ?  Well,  if  those  are  the  feelings  of  a 
gentleman,  I  don't  want  to  understand  them,  Mr. 
Punch." 

This  dialogue  can  be  carried  on  to  suit  the  taste 
and  invention  of  the  exhibitor. 

Presently,  while  Mr.  P.  is  recklessly  glorying  in 
his  crime,  declaring  that  he  is  afraid  of  nothing, 
and  laughing  to  scorn  the  Showman's  admonition, 
the  Ghost  makes  his  appearance  close  to  Mr.  P.'s 
shoulder,  and  stands  there  for  some  time,  listening 
unobserved  to  Punch's  brag.  After  a  while,  how 
ever,  turning  round,  Punch  catches  sight  of  him, 
and  is  rooted  to  the  spot  with  horror  for  a  few  se 
conds  ;  then  he  retreats  backwards,  his  whole  body 
trembling  violently,  till  he  reaches  the  side  of  the 


52  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

theatre ;  here  he  turns  round  slowly  to  hide  his 
face  from  the  awful  apparition.  When,  by  turn 
ing  away,  he  loses  sight  of  the  Ghost  for  a  few 
seconds,  he  recovers  his  voice  so  far  as  to  say  to 
the  Showman  in  trembling  tones :  "  W-h-h-a-a-t  a 
hor-r-r-rid  creature  !  What  an  awful  creature  ! " 
Then  he  turns  round  very  slowly  to  see  whether 
the  "  horrid  creature "  is  gone,  but  finding  it  still 
there,  suddenly  jumps  back — jambs  himself  up  in 
the  corner — pokes  his  head  out  of  the  window,  and 
screams,  "  Murder  !  murder  !  murder  ! "  shaking  all 
the  time  violently.  This  he  repeats  several  times, 
till  at  last  the  Ghost  disappears.  Then  Mr.  P.  re 
covers  his  courage  and  swaggers  about  as  before, 
vowing  he  is  afraid  of  nothing,  etc.,  etc. 

Now  appears  on  the  stage  the  Constable,  who 
twists  himself  about  in.  a  pompous  style  for  some 
seconds,  and  then  addressing  Mr.  Punch,  says : 

Constable.  "  I've  come  to  take  you  up  !  " 

P.  "  And  I've  come  to  knock  you  down  !  "  (which 
he  accordingly  does  with  his  club). 

The  Constable  gets  up,  and  is  again  knocked 
down  several  times  in  succession.  Not  relishing 
this  style  of  thing,  however,  he  disappears  and  re 
turns  with  a  club,  and  a  battle  royal  ensues,  part  of 
which — that  is  to  say,  one  round  of  the  battle — 
shows  the  skill  of  the  Constable  in  dodging  Mr.  P.'s 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  53 

blows,  and  can  be  made  immensely  funny  if  proper 
ly  performed.  It  is  done  in  this  way :  The  Con 
stable  stands  perfectly  still,  and  Punch  takes  de 
liberate  aim;  but  when  he  strikes,  the  Constable 
bobs  down  quickly,  and  the  blow  passes  harmlessly 
over  his  head.  This  is  repeated  frequently,  the 
Constable  every  now  and  then  retaliating  on  Mr. 
P.'s  "nob"  with  effect.  Not  succeeding  with  the 
sabre-cut,  Punch  tries  the  straight  or  rapier  thrust. 
He  points  the  end  of  his  baton  straight  at  the  Con 
stable's  nose,  and  after  drawing  back  two  or  three 
times  to  be  sure  of  his  aim,  makes  a  lunge ;  but 
the  Constable  is  too  quick,  dodges  on  one  side,  and 
Punch's  club  passes  innocently  out  of  the  window. 
This  is  repeated  several  times,  till  the  Constable 
sails  in  and  gives  Punch  a  whack  on  the  head,  cry 
ing  :  "  There's  a  topper  !  "  Punch  returns  the  com 
pliment  with  the  remark  :  "  There's  a  whopper  !  " 
Now  they  have  a  regular  rough  and  tumble,  in 
which  Punch  is  vanquished. 

The  Constable  disappears  and  returns  with  the 
gallows,  which  he  sticks  up  in  a  hole  already  made 
in  the  stage  (four-inch  board  previously  mentioned), 
and  proceeds  to  prepare  for  the  awful  ceremony  of 
hanging  Mr.  P.  Punch,  never  having  been  hung 
before,  cannot  make  out  how  the  machine  is  in 
tended  to  operate — at  least  he  feigns  profound 


54  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

ignorance  on  the  subject.  When  the  Constable 
tells  him  to  put  his  head  into  the  noose,  he  puts  it  in 
the  wrong  place  over  and  over  again,  inquiring  each 
time,  "  That  way  ? "  till  at  last  the  executioner, 
losing  all  patience,  puts  his  own  head  in  the  loop, 
in  order  to  show  Mr.  P.  how  to  do  it,  saying : 
"  There  !  that's  the  way !  Now  do  you  under 
stand  ? "  To  which  Punch  responds,  "  Oh  !  that's 
the  way,  is  it  ? "  at  the  same  time  pulling  the  end 
of  the  rope  tight,  and  holding  on  to  it  till  the 
struggling  functionary  is  dead,  crying  all  the  time  : 
"  Oh  !  that's  the  way,  is  it  ?  Now  I  understand  ! " 

Punch  dances  a  triumphant  jig,  and  so  ends  the 
immoral  drama  of  Punch  and  Judy. 

Many  more  characters  can  be  added  at  the  option 
of  the  performer,  besides  which,  jokes  and  riddles 
can  be  introduced  to  any  extent.  We  have  given 
the  skeleton  of  the  play,  with  all  the  necessary  in 
formation  for  getting  up  the  characters. 

We  will  conclude  this  chapter  with  an  excellent 
charade,  the  answer  to  which  will  be  given  in  the 
next  chapter  : 

CHARADE. 

My  whole  is  the  name  of  the  school-boy's  dread, 

My  first  is  the  name  of  a  quadruped  ; 

My  first  transposed  a  substance  denotes, 

Which  in  carts  or  in  coaches  free  motion  promotes  ; 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  55 

Transpose  it  again,  and  it  gives  you  the  key 
Which  leads  to  the  results  of  much  industry. 
My  second  is  that  which  deforms  all  the  graces 
Which  cluster  around  the  fair  maidens'  fair  faces  ; 
Transpose  it,  and  it  gives  you  the  name  of  a  creature 
Of  no  little  notice  in  the  history  of  nature. 
Now  take  my  whole  in  transposition, 
And  it  will  give  you  the  dress  of  a  Scotch  musician. 


CHAPTER    V. 


I  i,  ERETOFORE 

I :  the      fireside 

llu 

amusements 
recorded  by 
us  have  been 
rather  mascu 
line  in  their 
character.  In 
this  chapter 
we  shall  have 

the  pleasure  of  describing  an  enter 
tainment  of  more  feminine  qualities. 
It  was  a  small  party,  of  the  descrip 
tion  which  the  Scotch  call  a  cookeyshine,  the 
English  a  tea-fight,  and  we  a  sociable.  A  few 
young  ladies  in  a  country  village  had  conspired 
together  to  pass  a  pleasant  evening,  and  the  head 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  57 

conspirator  wrote  us  a  note,  which  consisted  of 
several  rows  of  very  neat  snake-rail  fences  (not  "  rail 
snake"  fences,  as  the  Irishman  said),  running  across 
a  pink  field.  We  got  over  the  fences  easily,  and 
found  ourselves  in  a  pretty  parlor,  with  six  pretty 
young  ladies,  one  elderly  ditto,  and  a  kind  of  father. 
The  ladies,  as  we  entered,  were  engaged  in  making 
tasty  little  scent-bags.  We  had  often  seen  the  kind 
of  thing  before,  but  never  so  completely  carried  out. 
The  principal  idea  consisted  in  making  miniature 
mice  out  of  apple-seeds,  nibbling  at  a  miniature 
sack  of  flour.  But  in  this  case  they  had  filled  the 
sack  with  powdered  orris-root,  and  the  small  bottles 
with  otto  of  roses,  making  altogether  a  very  fra 
grant  little  ornament.  The  subjoined  sketch  will 


convey  the   idea   to    any  one  wishing  to  try   her 
hand  at  this  kind  of  art. 

3* 


t 

58  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

As  to  the  process  of  manufacture,  that  is  simple 
enough  :  you  first  make  neat  little  bags  of  white 
muslin,  and  with  some  blue  paint  (water  color) 
mark  the  name  of  the  perfume,  in  imitation  of  the 
ordinary  brands  on  flour-bags  ;  then  fill  the  bag 
with  sachet-powder  and  tie  it  up.  You  then  get 
some  well-formed  apple-seeds,  and  a  needle  filled 
with  brown  thread  or  silk  with  a  knot  at  the  end ; 
after  which  pass  the  needle  through  one  side 
of  the  small  end  of  the  seed,  and  out  through  the 
middle  of  the  big  end  ;  then  cut  of!  your  thread, 
leaving  about  half  an  inch  projecting  from  the 
seed  ;  this  represents  the  tail  of  the  mouse.  After 
this  you  make  another  knot  in  your  thread,  and 
pass  it  through  the  opposite  side  of  the  small  end 
of  the  seed,  bringing  it  out,  not  where  you  did  the 
other  thread,  but  in  the  middle  of  the  lower  part, 
that  part,  in  fa6l,  which  represents  the  stomach  of 
the  mouse.  You  can  now  sew  your  mouse  on  the 
flour-sack.  It  should  be  borne  in  mind  that  the 
two  knots  of  thread,  which  represent  the  ears, 
must  appear  near  the  small  end  of  the  seed.  We 
once  saw  some  mice  made  of  apple-seeds  where  the 
ears  were  placed  at  the  big  end,  producing  the 
most  ridiculous  effect.  We  annex  enlarged  dia 
grams  of  each  style. 

It  will  be   seen   that   one   looks  like   a  mouse, 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  59 

whilst  the  other  resembles  a  pollywog,  or  a  newly- 
hatched  dragon.  . 


You  must  now  get  a  good-sized  card,  and  if  you 
wish  to  have  it  very  nice,  paint  it  to  resemble  the 
boards  of  a  floor.  On  this  you  sew  your  sack,  and 
one  or  two  stray  mice  who  are  supposed  to  be  run 
ning  round  loose.  Then  having  provided  yourself 
with  a  couple  of  those  delicate  little  glass  bottles  of 
about  an  inch  and  a  half  in  length,  which  are  to  be 
found  in  most  toy-stores,  you  fill  them  with  otto  of 
roses  or  any  other  perfume  ;  and  with  a  little  strong 
glue  or  gum,  stick  them  to  the  card  in  the  position 
represented.  If  glass  bottles  are  not  to  be  obtained, 
you  may  cut  some  out  of  wood,  a  small  willow  stick 
perhaps  being  the  best  for  the  purpose ;  blacken 
them  with  ink,  and  varnish  them  with  weak  gum- 
water,  at  the  same  time  sticking  on  them  little  pieces 
of  paper  to  represent  the  labels,  and,  if  you  please, 
a  little  lead-paper  round  the  neck  and  mouth  of  the 
bottles,  to  give  the  flasks  a  champagney  flavor. 
The  boxes  and  jars  are  likewise  cut  out  of  wood, 


60  THE   ART  OF  AMUSING. 

and  easily  painted  to  produce  the  desired  appear 
ance. 

After  a  time,  while  the  young  ladies  were  still  at 
work  on  the  mice  like  so  many  kittens  at  play,  a 
practical  young  gentleman,  in  spectacles  and  livid 
hands,  came  in,  and  asked  of  what  use  were  those 
articles.  Upon  which  one  of  the  young  ladies  very 
properly  replied  that  they  did  not  waste  their  time 
in  making  anything  usefttl.  This  seemed  to  afford 
an  opportunity  to  the  young  gentleman  to  say  some 
thing  agreeable  in  connection  with  beauty ;  but  he 
put  his  foot  in  it,  and  we  heard  him  late  in  the 
evening,  as  the  party  was  breaking  up,  trying  to 
explain  his  compliment,  which,  though  well  in 
tended,  had  unfortunately  taken  the  form  of  an  in 
sult,  and  had  not  been  well  received. 

We  had  observed,  on  entering,  that  one  of  the 
young  ladies  present  wore  in  her  hair  a  very  beau 
tiful  white  rose,  and  that  another  held  in  her  hand  a 
small  bunch  of  marigolds.  As  the  season  was  mid 
winter,  this  fact  attracted  our  attention,  and  we  very 
gracefully  complimented  said  damsel  on  the  beauty 
of  her  coiffure,  at  the  same  time  expressing  our 
ardent  admiration  for  flowers  generally,  roses  par 
ticularly,  and  white  roses  above  all  other  roses. 
"  We  had  made  a  study  of  them."  We  spoke  rap 
turously  of  them  as  the  poetry  of  vegetation,  as  ves- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  6l 

tals  among  flowers,  as  the  emblems  of  purity,  the 
incarnation  of  innocence.  Then  the  young  lady 
asked  us  how  we  liked  them  boiled,  and  taking  the 
one  from  her  head  begged  us  to  wear  it  next  our 
heart  for  her  sake.  We  received  it  reverentially  at 
her  hand — it  was  heavy  as  lead.  Her  somewhat 
ambiguous  language  immediately  explained  itself  as 
she  gaily  stripped  off  the  leaves  and  revealed  a 
good-sized  turnip-stock  on  a  wooden  skewer.  We 
felt  slightly  embarrassed,  but  got  over  the  difficulty 
by  saying  that  when  we  spoke  so  poetically  we  had 
no  idea  what  would  turn-up. 

"  Ah  !  "  sighed  one  of  the  young  ladies,  "  it  is  the 
way  of  the  world  ;  the  flower  worshipped  from  afar, 
possessed,  will  ever  turn  out  a  turnip  ! " 

"  Or,"  added  we,  "  as  in  the  case  of  Cinderella's 
humble  vegetable  turn  up,  a  turnout." 

This  inoffensive  little  joke,  being  rather  far 
fetched,  perhaps,  was  immediately  set  upon  and 
almost  belabored  to  death  by  those  who  understood 
it ;  whilst  for  the  enlightenment  of  those  who  did 
not,  we  had  to  travel  all  the  way  to  fairy-land,  so 
that  it  was  some  time  before  we  got  back  to  vegeta 
ble  flowers — a  subject  on  which  we  felt  not  a  little 
anxious  to  be  enlightened,  as  we  saw  therein  some 
thing  that  might  interest  our  friends  who  meet  by 
the  fireside  and  help  us  in  our  occupation  of  un- 


62  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

bending  the  bow.  Marvellously  simple  were  the 
means  employed  in  producing  such  beautiful  results. 
A  white  turnip  neatly  peeled,  notched  all  round, 


ROSE   IN   PROCESS   OF  MAKING. 


stuck  upon  a  skewer,  and  surrounded  by  a  few 
green  leaves,  and  behold  a  most  exquisite  white 
rose,  perfect  enough  to  deceive  the  eye  in  broad 
daylight  at  three  feet  distance.  The  above  sketch 
will  explain  the  whole  mystery  at  once. 

On  the  same  principle  a  marigold  may  be  cut  out 
of  a  round  of  carrot  with  a  little  button  of  beet-root 
for  the  centre ;  a  daisy  can  be  made  from  a  round 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  63 

of  parsnip  with  a  small  button  of  carrot  for  the  cen 
tre  ;  a  dahlia  from  a  beet ;  and  several  other  flowers 


ROSE   COMPLETED. 


from  pumpkins.  It  will  be  easily  seen  that  a  beau 
tiful  bouquet  can  be  compiled  of  these  flowers 
with  the  addition  of  a  few  sprigs  of  evergreen.  In 
deed,  great  taste  and  ingenuity  may  be  displayed  in 
managing  these  simple  materials.  When  the  pro 
cess  had  been  explained  to  us,  as  above  described, 
we  expressed  our  delight,  at  the  same  time  saying 
carelessly  that  there  were  doubtless  millions  of 
ladies  in  the  country  who  would  find  pleasure  in 
learning  so  graceful  an  accomplishment.  The  gen- 


64  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

tleman  with  the  gold  spectacles  was  down  upon  us 
in  a  moment. 

"  Did  we  know  what  a  million  meant  ? " 

To  which  we  promptly  replied  that  a  million 
meant  ten  hundred  thousand. 

"  Did  we  know  what  a  billion  meant  ? " 

A  billion,  according  to  Webster,  was  a  million 
million. 

A  light  twinkled  out  of  the  gold  spectacles,  and  a 
glow  suffused  the  expansive  forehead,  as,  with  a 
certain  playful  severity,  he  propounded  the  follow 
ing: 

"  How  long  would  it  take  you  to  count  a  million 
million,  supposing  you  counted  at  the  rate  of  two 
hundred  per  minute  for  twenty-four  hours  per 
day  ? " 

We  replied,  after  a  little  reflection,  that  it  would 
take  a  long  time,  probably  over  six  months. 

With  a  triumphant  air,  the  gold  spectacles  turned 
to  our  friend  Nix.  Nix,  who  is  a  pretty  good  ac 
countant,  thought  it  would  take  nearer  six  years 
than  six  months.  One  young  lady,  who  was  not 
good  at  figures,  felt  sure  she  could  do  it  in  a  week. 
Gold  Spectacles  exhibited  that  intense  satisfaction 
which  the  mathematical  mind  experiences  when  it 
has  completely  obfuscated  the  ordinary  understand 
ing. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  65 

"  Why,  sir,"  he  said,  turning  to  us,  "  had  you  been 
born  on  the  same  day  as  Adam,  and  had  you  been 
counting  ever  since,  night  and  day,  without  stopping 
to  eat,  drink,  or  sleep,  you  would  not  have  more 
than  accomplished  half  your  task." 

This  statement  was  received  with  a  murmur  of 
incredulous  derision,  whilst  two  or  three  financial 
gentlemen,  immediately  seizing  pen  and  paper,  be 
gan  figuring  it  out,  with  the  following  result : 

200  Number  counted  per  minute. 
60  Minutes  in  an  hour. 

12000  Number  counted  per  hour. 
24  Hours  in  a  day. 


288000  Number  counted  per  day. 
365  Days  in  the  year. 


1440000 
1728000 
864000 

105120000  Number  counted  per  year. 

From  this  calculation  we  see  that  by  counting 
steadily,  night  and  day,  at  the  rate  of  two  hundred 
per  minute,  we  should  count  something  over  one 


66  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

hundred  and  five  millions  in  a  year.     Now  let  us 
proceed  with  the  calculation  : 

105, 1 2(0,000)  1,000,000,00(0,000(9,5 1 2  years. 
94,608 


9,856 

So  that  it  would  take  nine  thousand  five  hundred 
and  twelve  years,  not  to  mention  several  months,  to 
count  a  billion.  Gold  Spectacles  chuckled  visi 
bly,  and  for  the  rest  of  the  evening  gave  himself 
airs  more  worthy  of  a  conquered  Southerner  than  a 
victorious  mathematician.  He  afterwards  swooped 
down  upon  and  completely  doubled  up  a  pompous 
gentleman  bearing  the  cheerful  name  of  Peter 
Coffin,  for  making  use  of  the  very  proper  phrase, 
"  As  clear  as  a  mathematical  demonstration." 

"  That  may  not  be  very  clear,  after  all,  Mr. 
Coffin,"  said  Gold  Spectacles. 

"  How  is  that,  Mr.  Sprawl  (Gold  Specks'  proper 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  67 

name  being  Sprawl) ;  can  anything  be  clearer  than 
a  mathematical  demonstration  ?  " 

"  I  think,  sir,"  answered  Mr.  Sprawl,  "  I  could 
mathematically  demonstrate  to  you  that  one  is  equal 
to  two.  What  would  you  think  of  that,  sir  ? " 

"  I  think  you  couldn't  do  it,  sir." 

Thereupon  Mr.  Sprawl  took  a  sheet  of  paper  and 
wrote  down  the  following  equation — the  celebrated 
algebraic  paradox  : 

a—x 
a  x—x^- 

a  x — a'—x11 — a2 
(x — a)  x  a  —  (x — a)  x  (x  -f  a) 
a—x  +  a 
a  — 2  a 

1  =  2 

Mr.  Coffin  examined  it  carefully  standing  up,  and 
examined  it  carefully  sitting  down,  and  then  handed 
it  back,  saying  that  Mr.  Sprawl  had  certainly  proved 
one  to  be  equal  to  two.  The  paper  was  passed 
round,  and  those  learned  enough  scrutinized  it  care 
fully.  The  demonstration  all  allowed  to  be  positive, 
yet  no  one  could  be  made  to  admit  \hefact. 

Here  a  certain  married  lady  avowed  her  great 
delight  in  knowing  that  one  had  at  last  been  proved 
equal  to  two.  She  had  been  for  years,  she  said,  try- 


68  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

ing  to  convince  her  husband  of  this  fact,  but  he 
always  obstinately  refused  to  listen  to  the  voice  of 
reason.  She  now  trusted  he  would  not  have  the 
effrontery  to  fly  in  the  face  of  an  algebraic  para 
dox. 

Seeing  the  talk  had  taken  an  arithmetical  turn,  and 
was  moreover  getting  fearfully  abstruse,  our  friend 
Nix  thought  he  would  gently  lead  the  tide  of  con 
versation  into  some  shallower  channel,  wherein  the 
young  ladies  might  dabble  their  pretty  feet  without 
danger  of  being  swept  away  in  the  scientific  tor 
rent.  To  this  end  he  submitted  the  well  known 
problem :  "  What  is  the  difference  between  six  dozen 
dozen  and  half  a  dozen  dozen  ?  "  Strange  to  say, 
no  one  present  had  ever  before  heard  of  it,  but  the 
best  part  of  the  joke  consisted  in  Mr.  Sprawl  being 
completely  taken  by  it. 

"  Why,  they  are  both  the  same,"  he  answered 
promptly. 

All  the  rest  seemed  to  think  so  too,  and  some 
could  not  get  into  their  heads,  although  poor  Nix 
spent  half  an  hour  trying  to  convince  them,  that 
half  a  dozen  dozen  was  the  same  thing  as  six  dozen, 
or  72  ;  whilst  six  dozen  dozen  must  of  course  be 
seventy-two  dozen,  or  864. 

While  Nix  still  spoke,  a  handmaiden  appeared, 
bearing  tinkling  cups  and  vessels  of  aromatic  tea 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  69 

(not  the  weak  green  kind,  bear  in  mind),  and  plates 
of  sweet  cookies  and  toast,  and  then  bread  and  but 
ter,  and  steaming  waffles,  and  divers  and  sundry 
other  delicacies  known  to  true  housewives  and  good 
Christian  women,  who  love  their  fellow-creatures 
and  respect  their  organs  of  digestion. 

As  the  tea  is  being  served,  we  walk  up  to  a  young 
gentleman  and  ask  him  if  he  knows  why  the  blind 
man  was  restored  to  sight  when  he  drank  tea.  The 
young  gentleman  gave  it  up  precipitately. 

"  Because  he  took  his  cup  and  saucer  (saw  sir)." 
The  gentleman  in  gold  spectacles  says  something 
about  our  being  a  sorcerer,  but  we  heed  him  not, 
fearing  he  may  put  us  through  another  algebraic 
paradox.  Then  comes  a  general  demand  for  the 
answer  to  the  charade  we  published  in  our  last 
chapter,  which  commenced  : 

"  My  whole  is  the  name  of  a  school-boy's  dread." 

"  The  answer  to  this,  ladies,  is  Rattan  ;  and  you 
will  find  it,"  said  we,  "  a  most  excellent  charade  for 
children." 

Now  commenced  a  grand  festival  of  puzzles  and 
riddles.  Specimens  of  all  kinds  were  trotted  out 
for  inspection,  from  the  ponderous  construction  of 
our  ancestors,  commencing  in  some  such  style  as, 
"  All  round  the  house,  through  the  house,  and  never 


70  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

touching  the  house,"  etc.,  to  the  neatly  turned  mo 
dern  con. 

Our  friend  Nix  asked  why  Moses  and  the  Jews 
were  the  best-bred  people  in  the  world  ? 

Another  wished  to  know  why  meat  should  always 
be  served  rare  ? 

Bc5th  these  individuals,  however,  refused  to  give 
the  solution  until  the  next  meeting  of  the  assembled 
company.  Others  were  more  obliging,  but  as  their 
riddles  were  mostly  old  friends,  somebody  knew 
the  answers  and  revealed  them.  It  is  a  mistake  to 
suppose  that  a  good  thing  ought  not  to  be  repeated 
more  than  once.  There  are  certain  funny  things 
that  we  remember  for  the  last  twenty  years,  and  yet 
we  never  recall  them  without  enjoying  a  hearty 
laugh.  We  have  read  Holmes's  Autocrat  of  the 
Breakfast-Table  once  every  six  months,  ever  since 
it  was  published,  and  enjoy  it  better  each  time. 
We  have  been  working  away  at  the  Sparrowgrass 
Papers  for  years,  and  yet  we  raise  just  as  good  a 
crop  of  laughter  from  them  as  ever.  These  books 
resemble  some  of  our  rich  Western  lands  :  they  are 
inexhaustible.  So  when  one  of  the  company  asked, 
'•  When  does  a  sculptor  die  of  a  fit  ? "  we  waited 
quietly  for  the  answer,  "  When  he  makes  faces  and 
busts,"  and  laughed  as  heartily  as  though  it  were 
quite  new,  although  we  had  been  intimate  with  the 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  7 1 

old  con  ever  since  it  was  made,  some  fifteen  years 
ago.  We  even  enjoyed  the  time-honored  riddle  : 
"  What  was  Joan  of  Arc  made  of  ? "  "  Why,  she  was 
Maid  of  Orleans,  of  course."  But  then  this  was  put 
by  a  seraph  with  amber  eyes,  and  a  very  bewilder 
ing  way  of  using  them.  The  success  attending  this 
effort  seemed  to  stimulate  the  gentleman  in  gold 
spectacles,  who  rushed  into  the  arena  with  the  in 
quiry  :  "  What  was  Eve  made  for  ? "  Most  of  us 
knew  the  answer  well  enough,  but  we  waited  polite 
ly  to  let  him  deliver  it  himself.  Our  surprise  may 
be  readily  conceived  when  he  informed  us,  with  evi 
dent  glee,  that  "  she  was  made  for  Harnden's  Ex 
press  Company."  Some  looked  blank,  and  others 
tittered,  whilst  Nix  explained  to  the  ladies  the  true 
solution.  It  was  for  Adam's  Express  Company 
that  Eve  was  made.  After  this  followed  in  quick 
succession  a  shower  of  riddles,  some  of  them  so 
abominably  bad,  that  an  old  gentleman,  who  did  not 
seem  to  take  kindly  to  that  sort  of  amusement,  gave 
the  finishing-stroke  to  the  entertainment  by  the 
annexed  : 

Question.  "  Why  is  an  apple-tart  like  a  slipper  ?  " 
Answer.  "  Because  you  can  put  your  foot  in  it — 
if  you  like." 

After  that  we  all  went  home. 


CHAPTER    VI. 


A  FRIEND  of  ours,  Dudley  Wegger,  who  recently 
gave  an  extemporaneous  entertainment,  amongst 
other  things,  devised  a  new  kind  of  play,  of  such 
exceedingly  simple  construction  that  we  have 
judged  it  expedient  to  put  it  on  record.  It  must 
be  observed  that  it  is  his  method  especially  which 
we  applaud  and  recommend,  and  further  be  it  ob 
served,  that  we  applaud  and  recommend  it  on  ac 
count  of  no  other  excellence  save  that  of  simpli 
city. 

Mr.  Wegger  possessed  the  power  of  imitating 
one  or  two  popular  actors.  He  had  read  our  in 
structions  on  make-up — viz. :  curled  hair,  turn-up 
nose,  high  shoulders,  etc.,  and  from  these  slender 
materials  he  made  the  body  of  his  play.  As  soon 
as  we  arrived,  he  seized  upon  ourself,  dragged  us 
into  a  back  room,  put  a  hideous  mask  on  our  face 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  73 

(which  smelt  painfully  of  glue  and  brown  paper,  by 
the  way),  and  then  commanded  us  to  don  sundry 
articles  of  female  attire — to  wit,  a  hat  and  gown. 
To  our  earnest  appeals  as  to  what  we  were  to  do, 
he  only  replied : 

"  Oh,  nothing ;  just  come  on  the  stage,  kick 
about,  and  answer  my  questions.  You  hold  the 
stage  and  talk  to  the  audience,  whilst  I  go  off  and 
change  my  dress." 

This  we  pledged  ourself  to  do,  and  were  nearly 
suffocated  in.  the  mask  as  a  consequence. 

When  the  curtain  rose,  Wegger  marched  on  the 
stage  attired  in  blue  coat,  brass  buttons,  striped 
pantaloons,  yellow  vest,  and  stylish  hat  stuck  on 
one  side.  In  his  hand  he  held  a  small  walking- 
cane,  with  which  he  frequently  slapped  his  leg. 
This  was  the  walking-gentleman  part. 

"  Egad !  here  I  am  at  last,  after  the  fastest  run 
across  country  on  record.  Slipped  the  Billies,  took 
flying  hollow  at  a  leap,  gave  my  admirable  aunt  the 
go-by,  extracted  the  governor's  lynch-pin,  sent 
them  all  sprawling  in  the  ditch,  just  in  time  to  be 
picked  up  by  old  Hodge,  the  carrier,  jogging  along 
with  his  blind  mare  and  rumbling  old  shandrydan. 
Gad,  Mortimer,  you  are  a  sad  rogue !  I  must  turn 
over  a  new  leaf,  ecod !  become  steady,  forget  kissing 
and  claret,  go  to  church,  read  the  Times,  and  in 

4 


74  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

fa<5t,  become  a  respe6lable  member  of  society.  Ah, 
ha,  ha !  What  has  brought  me  here  ?  Gad,  I  de 
serve  success.  Heard  from  my  valet  last  night  that 
certain  lady  just  come  into  immense  fortune  ;  lovely 
as  she  is  wealthy,  Venus  and  an  heiress ;  total 
stranger,  no  means  of  procuring  introduction  ;  hired 
coach  and  four,  gave  post-boy  guinea,  told  drive 
like  devil,  and  here  I  am  in  a  strange  country, 
a  strange  house,  and  amongst  strange  people,  to 
kill  or  conquer,  vent,  vidi,  vici !  Ha !  ha !  ha ! 
first  in  the  field — fair  start  and  a  free  run ;  back 
myself  at  long  odds  to  be  in  at  the  death.  But 
gad !  here  she  comes,  the  country  Hebe,  the  pas 
toral  Venus,  the  naiad  of  turnip-tops  and  mangel- 
wurzel. 

Enter  Heiress  (ourself). 

Gad!    she  is    a    devilish  fine-looking  woman.       I1 
must  approach  her  (advances].     Have  I  the  honor 
to  address  the  Lady  Cicily  de  Rhino  ? " 
Lady  Cicily  de  Rhino.  "  You  get  eout !  " 
Mortimer  (aside).  "  Charming  !     Gad  !  I  am  over 
head  and  ears  in  love  already.     Oh,  bright  divinity, 
why  hide  those  radiant  charms   in   sylvan   shades, 
when  charms  of  fashion   and  bon-ton  beckon  you 
away  !     With  me  your  life  shall  be  one  live-long 
summer's  day,  and  you  and  I  two  butterflies  sipping 
sweet  nectar  from  the  ruby  rims  of  endless  brim- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  75 

ming  goblets.  Say  you'll  be  mine  !t  A  chaise  awaits 
us,  and  on  the  wings  of  love  we'll  fly  away !  Say, 
charmer,  say  the  word,  and  I  am  your  slave  for 
life." 

Lady  Cicily  de  Rhino.  "  Wai,  slavery's  bin  abol 
ished  even  in  New  Jersey — guess  you  forgot  that. 
However,  I  don't  keer  if  I  do  ;  jist  hold  on  till  I 
git  my  things."  [Exit. 

Mortimer.  Gad !  I  took  the  citadel  by  storm — but 
some  one  approaches  ;  I  must  withdraw  for  a  mo 
ment."  [Withdraws. 

Re-enter  Lady  C.,  with  bundle  and  umbrella. 

Lady  C.  "  Wai,  if  the  young  man  arn't  gone ; 
now  that's  mean." 

Enter  Reginald  Spooneigh  (Wegger,  in  a  new  dress). 

Reginald.  "  Kynde  fortune  has  thrown  me  in  the 
angel's  path.  The  belue  skuye  already  smyles 
more  beounteously  on  my  poor  fate.  Payer  laydee, 
turn  not  away  those  gentle  eyes,  that  e'en  the  tur 
tle-dove  might  sigh,  and  dying,  envy,  envying,  die  of 
envy." 

Lady  C.  "  Oh,  git  eout !  " 

Reginald.  "  Say  not  so,  fair  laydee.  A  wanderer 
on  this  cruel  earth,  a  lover  of  the  sweet  songs  of 
birds,  the  murmuring  of  streams,  the  gay  garb  of 
nature,  from  mighty  mountain-tops  to  rustling 


?6  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

glens.  I  bring  an  aching  spirit  seeking  sympathy 
to  thee." 

Lady  C.  "  Dew  tell !  " 

Reginald.  "  A  sympathetic  heart  within  your 
bosom  burns ;  say,  let  it  beat  in  unison  with 
mine  ? " 

Lady  C.  "  Well,  I  don't  keer  if  I  do  ;  only  hurry 
up,  there's  some  one  coming." 

Reginald.  "  Coming  ?  sayest  though  ;  then  will 
I  retire  for  a  brief  space."  [Retires. 

Lady  C.  "  He  seems  a  pretty  nice  kind  or  young 
man,  tho'  he  ain't  got  so  much  style  into  him  as 
tother  feller.  Wai,  them  folks  didn't  come  this 
way  arter  all,  so  he'd  no  call  to  be  so  scart," 
etc.,  etc. 

Enter  General  Hab-grab  email  (Wegger  again). 

General.  "Thunder  and  Mars!  I  thought  I 
should  never  have  got  here.  Road  as  dusty  as  a 
canteen  of  ashes  ;  coach  as  slow  as  a  commissary 
mule.  Had  half  a  mind  to  bivouac  on  the  road 
side — make  a  fire  of  the  axletrees,  and  roast  the 
postilion  for  dinner.  But  shells  and  rockets !  I 
must  beat  up  the  quarters  of  this  fair  one,  or  some 
jackanapes  civilian  will  be  stealing  a  march  upon 
me  (sees  Lady  C.}.  Gad  !  there  she  is !  I  must 
make  a  charge  on  her  left  wing.  Hey !  my  little 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  77 

beauty,  here's  a  battered  old  soldier,  wounded 
everywhere  except  in  his  heart,  crying  surrender 
at  your  first  fire.  He  yields  himself  prisoner-of- 
war,  and  gives  up  his  untarnished  sword  to  you  and 
you  alone." 

Lady  C.  "  Wai,  I  ain't  no  use  for  swords,  and 
there  are  summeny  solgers  straggling  round  now 
with  old  weppins — " 

General.  "  I  have  fought  for  my  king  and  coun 
try  through  many  a  burning  summer  noon,  and 
many  an  Arctic  winter  night,  and  now  I  would  plant 
my  laurels  in  the  sunshine  of  your  eyes,  that  they 
may  bring  forth  bright  blossoms." 

Lady  C.  "  Wai,  if  them's  the  case,  they  makes  a 
difference." 

General  (aside).  "  Now  for  a  bold  charge ! 
(aloud).  Share,  oh  fairest  of  your  sex,  my  niche 
in  the  Temple  of  Fame,  my  hand  and  heart  as  true 
as  steel.  Say,  will  you  accept  a  rough  old  soldier's 
hand  and  a  Major-General's  cocked  hat." 

Lady  C.  Wai,  I  don't  mind  if  I  dew,  only  don't 
you  fool  me  as  them  other  fellers  did." 

General.  What,  blood  and  ouns  !  have  any  fellers 
dared  to  fool  the  fairest  of  her  sex.  I  will  demand 
satisfaction  ;  where  are  they  ?  "  [Exit. 

Lady  C.  "  I  want  to  know  !  Ef  the  Genrl  ain't 
gone  off  to  whip  them  two  fellers  !  O  my  !  won't 


78  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

there  be  a  muss,  jest.     But  Lor  !  he'd  no  call  to  be 
so  mad  about  it,     I  didn't  keer. 

(Sings}— "  When  the  moon  is  on  the  mountain, 
My  heart  it  is  with  you, 
And  stirring  thoughts  come  stirring  up 
The  extra  oyster  stew." 

Enter  Adolphus  Tinkletop  (Wegger  again). 
Adolphus.  "  Well  I  declare,  if  here  ain't  a  femi 
nine  young  woman  of  the  female  persuasion  a-sing- 
ing  a  song.  Go  on,  most  charming  of  your  sex, 
and  I'll  jine  in  the  chorus.  But  hold  !  pause — be 
calm,  Tinkletop :  this  must  be  she,  the  lovely  heir 
ess  I  have  come  in  search  of.  The  young  and 
lovely  female  heiress,  who  has  just  dropt  into  a 
very  large  fortune  in  silver  and  gold,  sing  tooral  lol, 
looral,  lol  looral  le  day.  Tinkletop,  my  boy,  you 
are  a  lucky  fellow.  I  think  I  may  venture  to  remark, 
without  any  immediate  dread  of  contradiction,  that 
I  am  an  exceedingly  fortunate  individual.  I  must 
put  on  my  most  insinuating  manner  without  fur 
ther  procrastination,  which  is  the  thief  of  time. 
Ah  !  ahem  !  how  shall  I  begin  ?  Ahem  !  how  de 
do,  my  dear  ?  How's  the  folks  ? " 

Lady  C.  "  Purty  well ;  how's  yourself?  " 
Adolphus.  "  Oh !  I'm  exceedingly  well ;  remark- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  79 

ably  well ;  excessively  well.  I've  quite  got  over  that 
pain  in  my  chest." 

Lady  C.  "  Ye  don't  say  !  " 

Adolphus.  "  Fact !  Hembold's  Cosmos  cured  me 
immediately,  if  not  sooner.  Oh,  yes  !  I'm  all  right, 
thank  ye.  But  excuse  me,  young  woman.  I've 
come  down  here  on  a  little  matter  of  business  of 
the  highest  importance.  Your  name  is  Lady  Cici- 
ly  Rhino  ? " 

Lady  C.  "  Wai,  'taint  nothin'  else." 

Adolphus.  "  That  is  precisely  what  I  want  to  ar 
rive  at.  I  am  in  the  dry-goods  business,  than  which 
there  is  no  higher  social  position  in  the  world.  I 
am  not  rich,  but  I  expect  to  be.  Of  my  personal 
appearance  you  can  form  a  more  just  and  adequate 
opinion  than  any  language  of  mine  could  convey. 
In  other  words,  I  am  more  easily  conceived  than  de 
scribed.  Now,  the  question  is,  whether  you  will  ac 
cept  my  hand  and  heart. 

Lady  C.  "Wai,  I  don't  keer  if  I  do." 

Adolphus.  "Most  charming  little  pippetsy  pop- 
petsy  ;  let  me  embrace  those  virgin  lips." 

Lady  C.  "  Oh,  lor !  Now  wait  a  minute.  (Turns 
her  head  away  bashfully,  and  puts  up  her  umbrella. 
Both  parties  retire  behind  the  umbrella,  when  a  loud 
smack  is  heard — such  a  smack  as  has  been  compared 
to  the  noise  produced  by  a  horse  dragging  his  foot 


80  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

out  of  a  mud-hole.  Then  both  strike  an  attitude 
with  the  umbrella  between  them,  and  the  curtain 
descends  in  a  blaze  of  red  light.) 

THE    END. 

Now  if  this  is  not  a  simple  way  of  building  a 
drama,  we  are  no  judge. 

Our  adjoining  illustration  represents  the  inter 
view  between  General  Hab-grabemall  and  the  lady. 
The  General  acquires  a  gigantic  appearance  by 
tying  a  folded  shawl  or  small  pillow  on  each  shoul 
der  before  he  puts  on  his  cloak  ;  his  face  is  made  up 
chiefly  of  curled  hair  and  diachylon.  Reginald 
Spooneigh  has  long  flaxen  hair,  made  out  of  some 
rope  unravelled  for  the  purpose,  and  sewed  on  to  a 
tightly-fitting  cap,  moustache  and  beard  to  match, 
and  turn-down  collar.  The  rest  of  his  attire  may 
be  in  any  style  most  convenient. 

Mr.  Tinkletop  is  remarkable  for  •  a  red  nose, 
turned  up,  and  one  tooth  missing  (both  according 
to  our  prescription  given  in  a  previous  chapter). 
His  vest  and  cravat  are  of  bright  colors,  and  his 
coat  also,  if  possible. 


PRIVATE  THEATRICALS.— See  page  80. 


CHAPTER    VII. 


MANKIND  in  general,  and  we  modern  Americans 
in  particular,  are  perpetually  striving  to  come  a 
"  gouge  game  "  over  nature.  We  feel  that  this  ex 
pression  is  very  slangy  and  low-lived,  but  as  none 
other  seems  so  precisely  to  convey  our  idea,  we  must 
for  once  borrow  a  phrase  from  the  ring  and  the  race 
course.  So  we  repeat  that  we  are,  most  of  us,  per 
petually  striving  to  "  gouge  "  nature  ;  but  nature  is 
too  smart  for  us,  and  will  not  allow  herself  to  be  fooled 
by  any  clumsy  device  it  is  in  our  power  to  invent. 
Nature  starts  us  in  the  business  of  life  with  a  certain 
amount  of  capital  in  mental,  physical,  and  ner 
vous  power,  and  just  so  much  capacity  for  enjoy 
ment  ;  and  we,  instead  of  investing  this  in  the  best 
manner  to  produce  the  largest  legitimate  amount  of 
interest,  are  perpetually  engaged  in  trying  some 
"dodge"  whereby  we  may  spend  the  capital  and 

4* 


82  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

still  draw  the  interest.  A  young  man  starts  in  busi 
ness  with  the  resolution  that  he  will  make  a  fortune 
in  such  and  such  a  number  of  years,  and  then  he 
will  retire  while  he  is  still  young,  and  lead  the  most 
glorious  life  mortal  ever  knew.  And  so  he  pitches 
in,  buys,  sells,  wheedles,  bullies,  tricks,  cheats,  works 
night  and  day,  without  any  let-up  at  all.  There  will 
be  plenty  of  time,  he  thinks,  for  recreation  when  he  has 
made  his  fortune.  Then  he  will  go  to  Europe,  build 
himself  a  house  on  the  Hudson,  buy  the  fastest  pair 
of  horses,  cultivate  society,  purchase  pictures,  and 
be  supremely  happy.  Th^e  years  trot  on,  but  the 
hopeful  man  finds  it  is  slower  work  making  -^pile  than 
he  thought ;  or  perhaps  he  raises  his  figure,  so  he 
sets  to  work  with  renewed  vigor.  His  nerves  are 
allowed  no  rest  to  recover  their  tone ;  his  stomach 
is  allowed  no  leisure  to  perform  its  work ;  his  body 
gets  no  healthful  exercise ;  and  his  soul  no  ray  of 
light  from  the  beautiful  and  lovable.  "  There  will 
be  time  for  all  these  things  by  and  by,  when  he  has 
made  that  two  hundred  thousand  dollars."  At  last 
the  sum  is  made,  though  our  hopeful  man  is  a 
few  years  older  than  he  intended  he  should  be  on 
retiring.  Still  the  money  is  made,  and  he  is  going 
to  enjoy  it.  He  builds  himself  a  fine  house  in  the 
country,  with  "lots  of  style  into  it,"  and  plants 
around  it  a  number  of  small  trees,  which  will  be  of 


,"  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  83 

decent  size  about  twenty  years  after  he  is  buried. 
But  that  is  of  no  consequence — there  is  beautiful 
scenery  all  around.  But  what  is  this  the  rich  man 
discovers  ?  Why,  that  the  trees  and  hills  and  streams 
are  not  the  same  that  they  were  when  he  was  young. 
He  finds,  too,  that  pictures  "  don't  amount  to  much." 
He  is  rather  nervous  about  driving  fast  horses ;  and 
as  to  society,  he  has  got  quite  out  of  the  way  of  that 
whilst  making  his  fortune.  He  finds  that  collecting 
round  one  congenial  and  agreeable  people  is  a  work 
of  time  and  care,  besides  which,  there  is  no  society 
in  the  country  any  way.  Then  his  wife  hates  the 
country.  So  our  rich  man  sells  his  house  in  the 
country,  returns  to  the  city,  and  enters  into  some 
new  business  operations  just  to  pass  the  time  away  ; 
having  made  the  melancholy  discovery  that  whilst 
engaged  in  acquiring  means,  he  has  lost  the  capaci 
ty  for  enjoyment.  The  fact  is,  nature  will  not  stand 
much  nonsense.  If  you  think  you  are  going  to 
work  her  without  mercy  or  consideration  the  best 
part  of  your  life,  and  then  expect  that  she  will  gaily 
bear  you  on  her  back,  sporting  through  valleys  of 
delight,  you  are  very  much  mistaken. 

Another  man  thinks  thinks  he  will  get  the  maxi 
mum  enjoyment  out  of  life  by  aid  of  wine,  and  so  he 
mortgages  his  whole  capacity  of  enjoyment  for  a 
few  years'  excessive  excitement,  and  is  amazingly 


84  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

surprised  when  he  finds  himself  a  bankrupt.  Na 
ture  will  not  cash  his  draft  at  any  price.  He  is  not 
aware  that  every  thrill  of  pleasure  derived  from  ex 
cessive  stimulating  has  to  be  paid  for  with  usury. 
Others  again  fancy  they  will  get  ahead  of  nature  by 
forcing  the  minds  of  their  children  as  they  would 
cucumbers ;  but  after  an  incalculable  amount  of 
trouble,  expense,  and  cruelty,  the  child  comes  of  age 
a  bankrupt,  mentally  and  physically.  The  soil  has 
run  out ;  it  can  produce  no  more — and  what  won 
der  !  It  was  never  allowed  to  lie  fallow  ;  it  was 
never  renewed ;  and  now  it  is  fit  for  little  or  nothing. 

These  are  some  of  the  ways  in  which  we  attempt 
to  gouge  nature.  We  overtax  her  in  every  way, 
until  we  drive  the  willing  horse  to  death,  and  then 
our  journey  ends  ;  all  the  load  of  fine  goods  we 
have  been  to  market  for,  must  be  dumped  into  the 
mud  for  the  next  traveller  coming  along  with  a  fresh 
horse. 

Now,  one  great  aim  of  this  book  on  "Fireside 
Amusements,"  is  to  persuade  people  to  let  up  on 
nature.  We  should  all  be  so  much  healthier,  so 
much  kinder,  so  much  better  Christians,  if  we  would 
only  amuse  ourselves  and  each  other  a  good  deal 
more.  We  should  get  such  infinitely  better  work 
out  of  ourselves,  and  more  of  it,  so  that  we  should 
be  richer  into  the  bargain.  No  man  can  expect  to 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  85 

win  the  race  with  a  jaded  horse.  Suppose  you 
owned  Flora  Temple,  and  in  your  eagerness  to 
make  money,  should  oblige  her  to  run  two  or  three 
races  every  day  ;  why,  the  chances  are  you  would 
lose  every  time,  and  soon  be  a  beggar.  But  suppose 
you  only  match  her  at  proper  intervals,  when  she  is 
fresh  and  in  good  condition  ;  you  don't  run  so  many 
races,  but  you  win  every  time.  Why  should  you 
treat  yourself  so  much  worse  than  a  horse  ?  Is  it 

because  you    are   ?      No,   you    have    simply 

adopted  a  bad  national  custom. 

AUNTY    DELLUVIAN    GIVES    A    PARTY. 

We  have  a  female  relative  whom  we  have  play 
fully  christened  Aunty  Delluvian — an  old-fashioned 
person,  who  is  particularly  opposed  to  all  "  new-fan 
gled  notions,"  who  loves  the  "  good  old  times  "  and 
"  good  old  ways ;"  who  thinks  there  are  no  young 
men  nowadays  to  compare  with  those  of  her  day. 
She  tells  how  straight  they  used  to  carry  them 
selves,  and  she  draws  herself  bolt  upright  and 
throws  back  her  shoulders  to  give  effect  to  her 
words,  and  "  they  didn't  wear  those  nasty  things — 
pshaw ! — over  their  lips."  She  has  never  become 
reconciled  to  moustaches.  She  thinks,  too,  the  girls 
are  not  so  pretty  nowadays  as  they  used  to  be  ; 


86  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

\  . 

then,  their  cheeks  were  so  bright  and  red,  "just  like 
roses,"  and  their  eyes  were  so  bright  they  fairly 
snapped  and  twinkled  ;  "  but  now,  my  dear,  it's  all 
dough  and  boiled  gooseberries — dough  and  boiled 
gooseberries  ! "  She  tells  us,  too,  of  many  persons, 
long  since  gone,  among  whom  stands,  out  in  bold 
relief  and  heroic  proportions  one  'Squire  Dexter. 
Then  there  is  another  person,  Sally  Mason,  of  whom 
we  hear  repeatedly,  who  must  have  been  a  very  de 
ceitful  character,  from  what  Aunty  Delluvian  tells 
us.  But  why  does  she  take  such  pain's  to  tells  us 
so  much  about  Sally  Mason,  and  to  convince  us 
that  she  was  not  pretty  "  one  mite,"  only  "  she 
had  those  forward,  pushing  ways  with  her,  my 
dear,  which  men  find  out  sooner  or  later,  my 
dear,  and  'Squire  Dexter  found  her  out  at  last,  to 
his  sorrow."  Why  does  she  tell  us  this,  and  ask 
our  opinion  as  to  whether  getting  into  a  seat  in 
a  gig,  which  had  been  expressly  reserved  for  an 
other  person,  was  not  conduct  unworthy  of  a  girl 
of  proper  modesty  and  self-respect  ?  When  we 
answer,  as  we  invariably  do,  with  feigned  sur 
prise  that  such  conduct  "would  be  unpardon 
able,"  she  straightens  herself  up,  saying :  "  Well, 
my  dear,  Sally  Mason  did  just  that  thing!"  Why 
does  Aunty  Delluvian  consult  us  on  this  point, 
and  many  other  trivial  points  concerning  the  pro- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  8/ 

per  conduct  of  a  "  modest,  right-minded  maiden  ? " 
It  is  hard  to  say.  But,  though  we  laugh  and 
quizz  Aunty  Delluvian  about  many  things,  we  feel 
that  this  is,  somehow  or  another,  sacred  ground, 
and  tread  gently  over,  the  graves  of  her  dead 
memories. 

Aunty  Delluvian  is  a  great  favorite  in  our  cir 
cle.  She  has  many  stories  to  tell,  popular  legends 
in  her  girlhood,  of  General  George  Washington 
and  the  Hessians  and  Red-Coats ;  and  though  she 
does  not  understand  the  humor  of  the  present 
day,  she  knows  some  very  funny  verses  by  George 
Coleman  the  Younger,  and  some  riddles  of  the 
composite  order  of  architecture. 

Well,  Aunty  Delluvian  has  taken  quite  an  in 
terest  in  our  theory  on  "  Fireside  Amusements." 
She  thinks  its  tendency  good,  for,  as  she  justly 
observes,  "  young  people  are  far  too  stuck  up  nowa 
days  ;  too  stuck  up,  my  dear."  So,  in  the  goodness 
of  her  heart,  the  other  evening  she  gave  a  little 
party,  built  on  our  principle,  which  we  herewith 
beg  to  report. 

At  the  back  of  her  old-fashioned  country-house 
spreads  a  green  lawn,  surrounded  by  old  apple  and 
cherry-trees,  with  trunks  as  big  round  as  the  body 
of  a  horse.  On  this  lawn  she  gave  her  party. 
When  we  arrived  we  found  tables  spread  out  with 


88  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

a  goodly  array  of  eatables  and  drinkables,  the  aroma 
of  the  tea  mingled  with  the  songs  of  the  birds, 
whilst  the    perfume  of  the  ripe  strawberries,  the 
grape-jelly,  the  steaming  biscuits,  and  the  hundred 
other  country  delicacies,  blended  harmoniously  with 
the  chirp  of  the  crickets  and  the  drone  of  the  bees. 
It  was  a  pretty,  a  very  pretty  sight ;  the  long  rows 
of  snow-white  table-cloth,  the  old  china,  the  shining 
silver  and  steel,  the  glittering  glass,  the  mountains 
of  red  strawberries  surrounded  by  grape-leaves,  and 
the  innumerable  nosegays  of  bright  flowers.     Not 
far  off,  in  the  little  barn-yard,  we  heard  the  "  peet- 
peet,"  of  the  young  chickens,  whilst  the  occasional 
double-bass  of  the  family  cow  gave  delightful  as 
surance  of  the  freshness  of  the  milk  and  the  purity 
of  the   cream.      Aunty  Delluvian,   clad  in    brown 
silk  with  full  sleeves  and  scanty  skirt,  was  all  bustle 
and  smiles.      Her  old  handmaiden,  and  hired  boy 
from  the  farm-yard,  and  two  women  who  were  stran 
gers  in  the  land  of  Delluvian,  aided  with  enthu 
siasm. 

Between  forty  and  fifty  persons,  little  (some  very 
little)  and  big  (some  very  big),  sat  down  to  tea,  and 
did  generously  by  the  repast.  The  meal  concluded, 
dignity  received  informal  notice  to  quit,  and  all 
pitched  in  to  clear  away  the  things.  A  circle  of 
humanity  formed  itself,  and  behold  the  noble  sport 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  89 

of  "  Oats,  peas,  beans,  and  barley  grows."  Leading 
moral  philosophers,  eminent  divines,  weather-beaten 
old  vikings,  gallant  soldiers,  and  care-worn  editors, 
sowed  their  seed,  took  their  ease,  stamped  their  feet, 
clapped  their  hands,  viewed  their  lands,  and,  after 
waiting  for  a  partner,  became  united  in  the  bonds 
of  juvenile  matrimony  with  little  curly-headed  tod 
dlers,  and  seemed  to  enjoy  the  fun  just  as  much  as 
though  they  had  never  looked  into  a  Greek  lexi 
con,  heard  the  boom  of  cannon,  or  written  a  leader. 

We  would  like  to  dwell  long  upon  this  merry 
making  under  the  sky,  for  there  occurred  enough 
pretty  incidents  and  enough  funny  things  out  there 
to  bear  telling  for  a  week  ;  but  our  mission  is  to  in 
struct  our  friends  how  to  amuse  others  ;  so  we 
must  pass  from  the  romps  in  the  open  air  to  the 
amusements  which  took  place  inside,  after  darkness 
had  driven  the  merry-makers  from  the  lawn. 

First  in  order  came  a  great  duck,  chiefly  made 
out  of  a  boy  and  a  sheet.  First  of  all  we  were 
requested  to  introduce  the  bird,  and  expatiate  to 
the  company  on  its  qualities.  For  who,  they  said, 
could  speak  better  on  the  virtues  of  a  great  canard 
than  an  editor  ?  Some  one,  however,  maliciously 
mentioned  that  the  family  doctor,  Mr.  Pillules,  was 
the  best  person  to  show  up  a  quack.  Some  one 
else  argued  that  some  lady  would  be  better  qualified 


9o 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


to  speak  on  Ducks ;  but  no  lady  could  be  found 
with  courage  enough  to  attempt  the  task,  so  it  was 
finally  agreed  that  Dr.  Pillules  and  ourself  should 
deliver  a  double-barrelled  speech.  This  novel  idea 
was,  of  course,  rapturously  received,  so  the  doctor 
and  editor  were  compelled,  nolens  volens,  to  stand 
up  and  deliver,  which  we  did  something  after  the 
following  manner : 


Dottor.  "  This  bird  which  you  now  see  before 
you,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  is  one  of  those  detestable 
creatures  known  as  the  Canard.  This  specimen 
was  recently  captured  down  South  by  some  of  the 
brave  soldiers  in  General  Grant's  army  on  the  occa 
sion  of  that  gentleman's  recent  visit  to  Richmond, 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  91 

This  bird  was  formally  the  property  of  several  news 
paper  editors,  and  was  used  by  them  for  the  pur 
pose  of  raising  fowl  for  the  English  market,  where — " 

Editor.  "  They  found  a  ready  sale,  being  served 
up  in  the  columns  of  the  Times  with  peace-pudding, 
and  subsequently  rehashed  with  coal  lies  and  bully 
sauce,  to  satisfy  the  cravings  of  the  British  public. 
This  curious  bird  has,  however — " 

Doctor.  "  Fallen  into  disrepute  of  late,  and  the 
people  of  England  will  have  to  take  a  big  dose  of 
truth  (a  very  unpleasant  thing  to  an  Englishman)  to 
counteract  the  disease  which  their  gross  indulgence 
in  the  flesh  of  this  foul  bird  has  engendered ;  they 
will  likewise — " 

Editor.  "  Be  obliged  to  confine  their  diet  to  the 
wholesome  but  unsavory  humble  pie.  A  kind  of 
pie-" 

Doctor.  "  We  have  often  prescribed  for  them  be 
fore.  However,  the  cloud-capped  summits  of  the 
mountains  of  Jehoshaphat — " 

Editor  (a  little  nonplussed).  "  May  have  summit 
to  do  with  the  question,  and  then  again  they  may 
not.  We  are  inclined  to  think  that  Jehoshaphat 
was  not  half  so  fat  as  John  Bull,  and  would  have 
scorned  to  eat  a  canard  anyhow,  particularly  one 
raised  by  "  niggers,"  and  hatched  by  steam  ;  a  bird 
which  Shakspeare  justly  remarked — " 


92  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

Dottor  (a  little  puzzled  this  time).  "  Didn't  know 
beans,  or  at  all  events  did  not  care  about  that 
wholesome  and  nutritious  vegetable,  preferring  to 
pick  up  the  sentiments  falling  from  the  lips  of  Bull 
Run  Russell,  or  the  revolting  food  provided  for 
travellers  at  refreshment  saloons  on  the  Camden 
and  Amboy  Railway,  which,  as  every  one  knows — " 

Editor.  "  Are  simply  provided  by  that  com 
pany  to  kill  off  transient  citizens  of  loyal  States, 
which  they  do  as  effectually  as  the  greatest  quack, 
even  were  he  as  large  as  the  specimen  now  be 
fore  us.  I  do  not  of  course  refer  to  our  friend 
the " 

How  long  this  double-barrelled  speech  might 
have  continued,  this  chronicle  cannot  say,  had  not 
the  duck  at  this  moment  declared,  in  very  plain 
English,  that  "Oh  thunder!  he  couldn't  stand  it 
any  longer,  he  was  getting  tired,"  which  terminated 
that  part  of  the  entertainment. 

The  latent  principle,  the  motive  power,  the  core, 
the  occult  substratum  of  the  duck  is,  of  course,  as 
in  the  case  of  the  vulgaris  pueris — a  small  boy. 
The  mode  of  transforming  him  into  a  duck  needs 
scarcely  any  explanation  ;  the  illustrations  save  all 
that  trouble.  A  board  tied  on  the  youth's  back,  a 
sufficiency  of  wadding  in  the  way  of  rags,  and  a 
sheet  properly  arranged  over  all ;  then  a  ball  of 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  93 

rags,  with  a  couple  of  sticks  for  the  bill,  making  the 
head,  and  a  newspaper  cut  into  strips  representing 


the  tail,  and  web-feet  cut  out  of  brown  paper — 
and  there  is  your  duck !  The  next  thing  in 
order  for  the  evening's  entertainment  proved  to  be 
a  little  dwarf,  who  was  exhibited  on  a  table.  He 
made  a  speech,  danced  a  jig,  took  snuff,  and  alto 
gether  made  himself  very  amusing  and  entertain 
ing.  The  mode  of  manufacturing  this  lusus  nature? 
is,  as  usual,  with  the  substratum  of  small  boy.  The 
small  boy  paints  a  pair  of  moustaches  on  his  upper 
lip  and  puts  a  pair  of  boots  on  his  hands,  resting 
his  booted  hands  on  a  table,  whilst  a  taller  person 
stands  behind  him  and  reaches  his  arms  over  the 
first  one's  shoulders,  as  represented  in  the  engrav- 


94  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

ing ;  then  a  loose  cloak  or  great-coat  or  shawl  is 


arranged  about  the  dwarf  so  as  to  allow  the  arms  of 
No.  2  to  project  and  appear  as  if  they  belonged  to 
No.  i.  This  performance  should  take  place  in  a 
window  or  doorway,  where  a  curtain  can  be  so 
arranged  as  to  hide  the  head  and  body  of  No.  2. 
Then  you  have  the  dwarf  all  complete,  as  repre 
sented  in  the  annexed  sketch.  It  is  almost  impos 
sible  to  describe  this  performance  with  precision, 
as  much  of  the  arrangement  must  be  left  to  the  in 
telligence  of  the  exhibitor.  The  dwarf,  however,  we 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


95 


may  state,  is  very  easily  made  when  you  once  get 
the  idea. 


Aunty  Delluvian  was  very  much  amused  with 
the  dwarf;  it  reminded  her  of  a  trick  that  was 
played  on  her  mother's  father — who  was  once 
Governor  of  Massachusetts — and  described  by  her 
uncle  George,  who  was  such  a  droll  fellow,  he 
ahvays  had  some  of  his  puns  to  get  off.  She  did 
not  remember  the  story  exactly,  but  it  was 
something  about  a  dwarf  being  served  up  in  a 
pie  at  the  Governor's  table,  in  such  a  way  that 
the  dwarf  popped  out  when  the  Governor  was 


96  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

about  to  carve  the  pie.  "  Oh  !  it  was  such  a  funny 
story ;  if  you  could  only  have  heard  her  uncle 
George  tell  it,"  and  Aunty  Delluvian  went  into 
silent  convulsions  of  laughter  at  the  bare  memory 
of  the  exquisite  humor  of  uncle  George's  narration. 
"  But  that  was  before  your  time,  my  dear ;  and  be 
tween  you  and  me,  the  young  men  are  very  dull 
nowadays,  with  their  cigars,  and  their  moustaches, 
and  their  fiddle-faddle — but  mum,  mum,  my  dear," 
and  Aunty  Delluvian  laid  her  fingers  on  her  lips, 
as  though  she  had  been  communicating  a  most  im 
portant  secret.  As  to  the  dwarf  of  this  evening, 
having  no  control  over  his  hands,  for  the  reason 
that  they  belonged  to  the  person  behind  him,  he 
was  subject  to  the  most  grievous  annoyance  from 
those  members  ;  they  would  persist  in  pulling  his 
own  nose  to  a  fearful  extent,  and  performing  that 
manual  evolution  known  as  taking  a  sight  in  the 
middle  of  his  prettiest  speech  to  the  ladies  ;  he, 
however,  enjoyed  a  limited  revenge  on  one  of  these 
occasions  by  catching  the  extended  thumb  between 
his  teeth  and  doing  something  to  it,  the  nature  of 
which  could  only  be  inferred  from  the  howl  of 
agony  proceeding  from  the  person  immediately 
behind  him,  and  a  general  dislocation  and  disinte 
gration  of  his  various  members,  which  occurred 
amidst  the  shouts  of  the  spectators. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  97 

A  slight  pause  ensuing  on  the  completion  of  the 
dwarf  performance,  afforded  an  opportunity  to  the 
young  man  in  gold  spectacles  to  come  upon  the 
stage.  He  had  something  very  ingenious  to  show 
us.  It  was  a  trick  performed  with  four  small  seeds, 
and  was  invented  by  a  certain  poor  tutor  at  one  of 
the  English  universities.  Although  exceedingly 
simple,  no  one  had  been  able  to  discover  the  secret, 
when  finally  some  English  nobleman,  whose  name 
he  mentioned,  gave  the  poor  tutor  five  hundred 
pounds  to  reveal  the  mystery.  Having  concluded 
this  little  introduction,  the  gentleman  in  gold  spec 
tacles  turned  to  Aunty  Delluvian,  and  asked  her  if 
she  would  be  kind  enough  to  let  him  have  four 
grains  of  rice.  "  Lor'  bless  the  man  !  to  be  sure  I 
will,  as  much  as  ever  you  like !  "  exclaimed  Aunty, 
in  the  fulness  of  her  generous  heart,  as  she  turned 
round  and  called  to  the  servant  at  the  other  end  of 
the  room  :  "  Here,  Katy,  fetch  up  what  was  left  of 
that  cold  rice-pudding  we  had  yesterday."  The 
gentleman  in  gold  spectacles  hastily  explained  that 
he  did  not  wish  the  rice  to  be  boiled,  and  four 
grains  would  be  ample.  However,  Aunty  Dellu 
vian  insisted  upon  all  the  rice  in  the  establishment 
being  produced.  The  gentleman  in  gold  spectacles 
selected  four  grains,  and  throwing  them  on  the 
table,  challenged  us  to  arrange  them  in  such  a  man- 

5 


98  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

ner  that  each  grain  should  be  precisely  the  same  dis 
tance  from  every  other  grain,  and  yet  the  grains  not 
touch  each  other.  We  all  took  our  turn  till  we 
were  tired,  and  then  gave  it  up,  save  a  couple  of  de 
termined  fellows,  who  requested  they  might  have  till 
their  next  meeting  to  find  it  out,  which  respite  was 
accordingly  granted. 

We  were  now  tumultiiously  beset  with  demands 
for  the  solution  of  two  riddles  in  our  last  chapter. 
First  came  the  question  :  "  Why  were  Moses  and 
the  Jews  the  best  bred  people  in  the  world  ? " 

Answer.  "Because  they  got  their  manna  (man 
ner)  from  heaven." 

The  second  was  :  "  Why  meat  should  always  be 
cooked  rare  ? " 

Answer.  "  Because  what  is  done  cannot  be 
helped? 

After  this  came  cakes  and  nuts  and  cider.  Aunty 
Delluvian  thought  nuts  and  cider  could  never  come 
amiss,  and  we  agree  with  her  when  the  cider  is  such 
as  she  produced,  clear,  fruity,  sparkling,  which,  as  it 
courses  down  your  gullet,  seems  like  health  incar 
nate,  and  as  far  superior  to  that  bedevilled  liquid 
which  city  boobies  call  champagne,  and  pay  three 
dollars  a  bottle  for,  as  faith  is  to  smartness.  So 
ended  our  evening  at  Aunty  Delluvian's. 


CHAPTER    VIII. 

THE  Highlanders  are  a  hardy  race,  inhabiting  the 
north  of  Scotland.  They  are  brave,  hospitable,  and 
exceedingly  fond  of  dancing. 

When  you  reflect  that  a  very  moderate  nigger 
used  to  fetch  one  thousand  dollars,  it  will  be  ex 
hilarating  to  know  that  you  can  have  a  Highlander, 
with  all  his  natural  characteristics,  for  nothing.  Yet 
such  is  our  proposition  to  you  on  the  present  occa 
sion. 

Will  you  have  him  for  nothing  ? 

We  assume,  of  course,  that  you  have  at  least  one 
hand.  A  foot  will  not  answer. 

You  have  a  hand  ? 

Well! 

Get  an  old  glove  and  cut  off  the  thumb  and  fin 
gers  to  about  the  extent  represented  in  the  an 
nexed  diagram. 


100 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


Place  the   glove    on  your  hand,  and  then  hold 
your  hand  in  the  position  represented  below.     You 


will  now  have  a  general  idea  of  what  is  to  consti 
tute  the  substratum  of  the  Highlander. 

Now  make  a  pair  of  little  socks  to  fit  your  first 
and  second  fingers.  Here  is  a 
picture  of  the  style  in  which 
they  should  be  gotten  up. 
These  socks  can  be  made  of 
white  linen  or  calico,  and  paint 
ed  with  water-colors  of  the  de 
sired  pattern — the  shoes  black 
and  the  socks  plaid.  *If  the  colors  are  mixed  with 
very  little  water  they  will  not  run  on  the  cloth. 


THE  HIGHLANDER  TRICK  —See  page  101. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  IOI 

We  suggest  water-colors  because  the  plaid  can  be 
very  neatly  represented  by  cross  lines  of  red  and 
green.  If,  however,  you  have  no  water-colors,  you 
can  stitch  the  stockings  across  with  red  and  green 
thread.  It  will  be  well  to  bear  in  mind  that  as 
your  second  finger  is  longer  than  the  first,  the 
stocking  for  the  first  must  be  stuffed  out  with  cot 
ton  or  wool  to  make  it  equal  in  length  to  the  se 
cond. 

Now  make  a  careful  copy  of  our  full-page  picture 


opposite  ;     stitch  it  on  to  the  back  of  the  glove  ; 
put  the  socks  on  your  fingers,  and  your  Highlander 
is  ready  to  dance,  as  represented  in  the  above  cut. 
You  move  about  the  fingers,  simulating  a  man 


102 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


dancing  the  Highland-fling  or  double-shuffle,  and 
the  result  will  be  very  curious  and  eminently  satis 
factory. 

Another  variation  of  the  same  performance  can 
be  made,  which  will  save  the  trouble  of  drawing  a 
Highlander.  It  is  done  thus  :  You  procure  a  kid 
glove,  and  cut  it  down  as  before.  You  will  see  by 
the  subjoined  cut  how  the  hand  looks  with  the  glove 
on  before  it  has  been  fixed  up.  A  white  kid  glove 


is  best,  because  on  the  white  kid  you  can  paint 
almost  the  entire  dress  with  water-colors — blue 
vest,  red  sash,  and  black  pantaloons.  A  little  piece 
of  some  gay  rag  must,  however,  be  stitched  on  each 
side  to  represent  the  jacket ;  the  chief  object  of 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  103 

the  jacket  being  to  hide  the  knuckles  of  the  third 
and  fourth  fingers. 

Now,  having  fixed  your  glove  and  put  it  on, 
paint  on  your  hand  a  face  in  the  style  of  the  follow 
ing  sketch,  and  your  dancing  Spaniard,  or  Terpsi- 


chorean  Matadore,  is  ready  for  action.  The  glove 
forms  a  complete  suit  (barring  the  boots),  which 
you  can  slip  off  and  on  with  the  greatest  ease  at 
pleasure. 

If  you  have  not  a  white  kid  glove  wherewith  to 
make  the  dress  of  the  above-mentioned  gentleman, 
you  will  have  to  sew  a  small  piece  of  calico  or 
paper  in  the  proper  place,  for  the  shirt.  You  will 


104 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


also  be  obliged  to  make  him  a  vest  out  of  some 
little  scrap  of  red  or  blue  silk ;  in  short,  you  must 
use  your  needle  instead  of  your  paint-brush.  But 
this  is  plain  enough  and  needs  no  further  explana 
tion. 

There  is  one  more  item,  however,  which  we  must 
mention.  It  will  be  found  rather  difficult  to  paint 
moustaches  on  the  hand  so  as  to  give  them  the 
right  merry  expression.  The  teeth,  which  lend  so 
much  life  to  the  face,  are  troublesomely  small  to 
represent.  We  therefore  think  it  best  to  draw  a 
pair  of  moustaches  exactly  similar  to  the  ones  we 


subjoin,  which  can  be  made  to  stick  in  their  place 
by  the  aid  of  a  little  diaclon  or  shoemaker's  wax. 


CHAPTER   IX. 

THE  scientific  gentleman  at  our  last  meeting 
bewildered  us  all  with  four  grains  of  rice.  It  will 
be  remembered  that  he  challenged  us  to  arrange 
those  four  seeds  in  such  a  manner  that  each  should 
be  an  equal  distance  from  each,  and  yet  not  touch 
each  other.  Did  we  belong  to  the  betting  class,  we 
would  be  willing  to  wager  a  moderately-sized  cob 
ble-stone  that  not  one  of  our  readers  has  yet  solved 
the  problem.  It  is  explained  thus  :  You  lay  three 
of  the  seeds  on  the  table  in  the  form  of  an  equi 
lateral  triangle ;  then  taking  the  fourth  seed  be 
tween  the  finger  and  thumb,  you  hold  it  above  the 
other  three,  in  the  position  represented  in  diagram 
on  page  106.  In  this  way,  and  this  alone,  can 
the  objects  be  so  arranged  as  to  be  each  equidis 
tant  from  each.  It  is  a  very  simple  matter  when 
once  explained,  but  we  never  yet  knew  any  one  to 

find  it  out. 

5* 


106  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

Our  friend  Nix  is  in  very  fervid  condition  con 


cerning  a  new  picturesque  trick  he  has  learned.  It 
is  an  old  affair,  but  very  funny,  and  consists  in 
making  an  old  woman's  face  with  your  fist,  and  is 
done  as  follows :  You  double  your  fist,  as  repre 


sented   in  the   above  diagram,  arid   draw  on  it  a 
face  as  also  represented. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  107 

Then  you  make  a  species  of  hood  something  like 
a  mitten,  with  a  hole  in  the  side,  around  which  hole 
you  sew  a  frill,  to  make  it  look  like  a  cap,  which  we 
also  illustrate  with  a  diagram.  The  mitten  is 


placed  on  the  hand,  and  a  shawl  pinned  carefully 
round  it,  as  shown  in  our  diagram  on  page  108,  and 
you  have  the  old  woman  complete. 

Now,  in  order  to  make  the  old  woman  appear  to 
speak,  you  must  move  the  knuckle  of  the  thumb  up 
and  down,  at  the  same  time  simulate  a  cracked, 
squeaky  old  voice.  By  moving  your  thumb  in 
time  to  your  voice,  the  illusion  becomes  perfect. 
You  can,  of  course,  make  the  old  woman  say  what 
ever  you  please ;  but  the  more  emphatic  the  style 


io8 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


of  her  conversation  the  better,  as  you  can  make  the 
jaw  more  energetic,  and  the  pauses  more  marked. 


The  conversation  might  commence  something   in 
this   style    (you    in   your   natural    tone    of  voice) 
"  Well,  aunty,  how  are  you  to-day  ?  " 

Aunty  Grummidge  :  "  How  am  I  ?  Ah  !  Hum 
I'm  well  enough  if  it  warn't  for  them  plaguey  boys 
Drat  the  boys  !  Heavin'  stones  at  my  geese  !  II 
geese  them,  if  I  ketch  'em  !  Drat  'em  !  and  tram 
plin'  all  over  my  string-beans !  Drat  'em !  I'] 
string-bean  'em,  if  I  ketch  hold  of  'em  !  And  then 
the  pesky  young  warmints  callin'  me  old  Dot-and 


THE   ART  OF  AMUSING.  109 

go-one !     I'll  old  Dot-and-go-one  them,  if  I   ketch 
hold  of  'em." 

It  will  require  a  little  practice  to  keep  time  be 
tween  the  thumb  and  the  voice ;  but  by  making 
the  phrases  short  and  emphatic,  it  will  be  soon 
learned.  When  the  old  woman  has  done  talking, 
you  can  stick  a  pipe  in  her  mouth,  and  make  her 
look  quite  comfortable. 


CHAPTER    X. 


"  In  those  days  there  were  giants"     Those  days 
were  the  days  when  our  mother  was  a  young  lady, 
and,  as    we    devoutly  believe,   the    most  beautiful 
woman  of  her  period  ;  when  our  father's  side-whis 
kers  were  glossy  black ;  when  he  wore  his  hat  just 
a  leetle  bit  on  one  side,  and  when  they  twain  used 
now  and  then  to  go  forth    magnificently  arrayed 
after  the  lamps  were  lit,  to  balls  and  parties,  whilst 
we  little  ones  sat  up  in  our  white  beds  to  receive 
the  parting  kiss  and  injunction  flavored  with  bless 
ings  and  eau  de  cologne.     In  those  days,  we  repeat, 
there   were    giants.     Giants    in    our    story-books, 
giants  in  our   young    imaginations,   mere   suckers 
from  the  parent  stem  of  the  story-books,  but  terri 
ble  in  their  proportions.     There  were  giants,  too, 
in  our  narrow  path,  springing  out  of  our  wayward 
ness  and  evil  passions,  and  the  evil  passions  of 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  1 1 1 

others  ;    there   were   giants,   too,    on    the   road   to 
knowledge  ;  oh,  such  monstrous  giants  all  of  them, 
far  bigger  and  fiercer  than  any  we  ever  met  in  after 
life.     But  there  was  another  giant  of  a  far  different 
sort,  who  used  to  make  his  appearance  at  our  little 
parties   about    Christmas-time,    and    in    sustaining 
whose  character  we  have  over  and  over  again  swel 
tered  and  staggered  and  suffered   martyrdom   the 
most  terrible.     Still  he  was  a  pleasant  giant  (par 
ticularly  to  the  upper-story  boy),  and  welcome  to 
the  whole  company.     He  had  a  very  youthful  look, 
in  spite  of  his  ferocious  moustache  ;  his  hat  had  a 
tendency  to  drop  over  his  eyes  and  his  gait  was  erra 
tic  ;  though  his  proportions  inspired  awe  in  the  hearts 
of  the  tiny  portion  of  the  audience.     We  have  but 
rarely  met  this  gentleman  in  later  days,  partially, 
we  fancy,  from  a  difficulty  in  procuring  legs  ;  we 
have  observed  a  growing  disinclination  in  persons 
to  perform  these  members  ;  indeed,  we  have  ourself 
shrunk  several  times  from  the  task.     It  is,  indeed, 
an  ordeal  rather  severe,  after  partaking  heartily  of 
Christmas  dinner,  and,  perhaps,  generously  of  wine, 
to  walk  about  a  hot  room  with  a  warm  boy  on  your 
shoulders,  and  your  entire  person — head,  face,  and  all 
— enveloped  in  a  heavy  cloak  or  overcoat,  and  not  a 
breath  of  fresh  air  to  be  taken    under  penalty  of 
spoiling  the  giant. 


112  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

A  small  and  cool  boy  is  placed  on  the  shoulders 
of  a  man  or  boy  who  is  stout  in  the  legs  ;  a  long 
military  cloak  or  overcoat  is  thrown  over  the  two, 
and  the  monster  is  made.  You  can  embelish  him 
with  moustaches,  a  hat,  and  a  long  walking-cane, 
and  then  you  will  have  the  creature  complete,  as 
represented  in  the  picture  opposite. 


HOW  TO  MAKE  A  GIANT.— See  page  112. 


CHAPTER    XI. 


FOLLY  is  better  than  physic.  If  no  one  ever 
made  this  aphorism  before,  we  at  once  lay  claim  to 
and  include  it  in  our  copyright ;  entered  according 
to  a6l  of  Congress  in  the  clerk's  office,  and  all  the 
rest  of  it.  A  good  old-fashioned  time  we  had 
of  it  last  Christmas  evening  at  the  house'  of  our 


114  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

friend  Nix.  What  a  happy,  merry,  jolly  crowd  of 
noodles,  ninnies,  judies,  tomfools,  and  undignified 
people  we  were  to  be  sure  !  Nix  gave  himself  un 
heard-of  moustaches  and  eyebrows  with  India-ink, 
and  then  washed  himself  into  the  likeness  of  a  boss 
chimney-sweep,  in  which  condition  he  remained 
the  whole  evening,  and  came  to  business  the  next 
day  with  a  faint  tinge  of  the  dusty  pigment  under 
his  left  ear,  although  he  averred  that  he  had  par 
boiled  himself  over  night  with  scalding  soap  and 
water  in  honest  efforts  to  remove  the  oriental 
stain. 

At  this  distance  of  time  it  would  be  hard  to  re 
call  who  were  the  guests  at  this  tomfool's  festival, 
even  had  we  ever  known  them  all ;  but  a  fluttering 
of  little  faces  and  pink  sashes,  and  very  bunchy 
frocks  suggestive  of  new  crinoline — indeed,  now  we 
think  of  it,  one  wee  thing  told  us  emphatically  she 
had  on  a  "  noo  hoop-stirt,"  and  raised  her  short  red 
frock  to  show  us  the  inestimable  treasure ;  and 
that  again  reminds  us  of  another  toddler,  of  the 
masculine  persuasion,  who  thrice  called  our  atten 
tion  to  his  new  boots,  and  once  requested  us  to 
feel  the  soles  where  his  mother  had  scratched  them 
with  her  scissors  to  prevent  his  slipping  on  the 
carpets.  But,  as  we  were  saying,  a  certain  confused 
picture  of  fluttering  pink  sashes,  bunchy  crinoline, 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  1 1  5 

blue  eyes,  and  flushed  cheeks,  is  one  of  the  chefs- 
cTceuvre  in  the  private  gallery  of  our  memory,  and 
was  nearly  all  we  carried  away  from  that  foolish 
Christmas  carnival.  We  remember,  though,  Aunty 
Delluvian,  in  all  the  pomp,  pride,  and  circumstance 
of  a  dress  which  might  have  been  described  by 
some  fashionable  modiste  of  fifty  years  ago,  but 
before  which  the  steel  nibs  of  a  modern  pen  grow 
parched  and  gape  inkless  in  their  course  over  the 
cream  laid.  We  can  state  that  it  was  of  silk,  and  very 
thick,  and  rustled,  and  had  an  odor,  not  of  myrrh — for 
that  we  have  purchased  at  the  drug  stores  as  being 
good  for  the  gums — though  perhaps  of  frankincense, 
but  certainly  of  some  Eastern  perfume  ;  and  there 
our  descriptive  capacity  ends.  Concerning  certain 
gems  and  trinkets,  also  worn  by  that  worthy  lady, 
we  are  equally  humble  and  bewildered ;  but  if  our 
memory  serves  us  rightly,  they  were  chiefly  of  pale 
and  yellow  stones  surrounded  by  pearls,  and  of  oval 
and  slender  forms,  save  one  sombre  brooch  (she 
wore  in  the  neck  of  her  dress  under  a  bow  of  rib 
bon),  which  has  hair  in  it,  and  was  shown  us  as  a  rare 
piece  of  workmanship  and  a  great  relic  ;  indeed, 
Aunty  Delluvian  informed  us,  very  confidentially, 
that  a  person  by  the  name  of  Sally  Mason  would 
have  given  her  ears  to  possess  it  once — from  which 
we  judged  it  to  be  of  great  value. 


Il6  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

The  scientific  gentleman  was  there ;  and  others 
"  too  numerous  to  mention,"  as  the  advertisements 
say.  One  of  the  company,  whom  we  had  never  met 
before,  left  a  particular  impression  on  our  mind,  part 
ly  because  he  came  from  a  far-off  land,  with  a  large 
budget  of  strange  knowledge  and  exotic  ideas,  and 
partly  because  he  showed  us  a  quite  curious  and 
simple  little  toy.  Among  other  things  he  expa 
tiated  on  the  dexterity  of  the  Australasian  savages 
in  the  use  of  the  boomerang,  which  they  would 
throw  in  such  a  way  as  to  make  it  skim  entirely 
around  a  house  and  return  to  their  feet.  He  told 
us  that  one  of  these  savages  would  seize  his  boome 
rang  and  send  it  whirling  into  a  flock  of  parrots, 
bringing  down  half  a  dozen  of  the  birds,  and  then 
return  to  his  feet.  He  added  that  parrot-pie 
was  excellent  eating ;  a  statement  which  sent  a 
thrill  of  indignation  through  the  juvenile  portion  of 
the  company.  The  idea  of  cooking  birds  that  say 
"  Pretty  Poll !  "  While  the  young  were  indignant, 
many  of  the  elders  felt  incredulous,  touching  the 
boomerang  ;•  one  person,  indeed,  delicately  hinting 
that  "  throwing  the  boomerang  "  must  be  the  Aus 
tralasian  equivalent  of  our  expression  "pulling 
the  long  bow  ;"  but  Aunty  Delluvian,  who  had  just 
heard  the  latter  part  of  the  discourse,  came  gallantly 
to  the  rescue  (she  had  taken  rather  a  notion  to  the 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  II? 

young  Australian).  She  assured  the  company  that 
there  could  be  no  doubt  of  the  existence  of  the  boom 
erang,  for  an  uncle  of  hers  had  on  a  certain  occasion 
brought  one  from  China,  and  that  it  grew  so  tame 
that  it  would  come  and  feed  out  of  your  hand.  This 
statement,  as  may  be  supposed,  produced  a  profound 
sensation,  which  good  breeding  alone  prevented 
from  being  an  explosion.  Several  persons  present 
tried  to  hush  the  matter  up  by  suggesting  that  the 
good  lady  probably  confounded  the  instrument  in 
question  with  a  baboon  or  orang-outang.  But 
Aunty  Delluvian  would  listen  to  nothing  of  the 
kind;  no  compromises  for  her.  "Bless  the  child, 
she  had  seen  it  with  her  own  eyes,  and  it  went  all 
round  the  house  and  came  back  to  her  feet,  and 
caught  the  pigeon,  and  killed  the  parrot,  just  as  the 
gentleman  described."  However,  the  young  antipo 
dean  asserted  his  own  veracity  very  effectively  by 
offering  to  manufacture  a  model  of  the  weapon  then 
and  there. 

"  If  you  will  only  provide  me,"  he  said,  "  with  a 
good  stiff  card — an  old  playing-card  will  do  as  well 
as  anything — I  will  soon  satisfy  you  that  what  I 
described  can  be  done." 

The  card  was  produced,  and  in  a  couple  of  min 
utes  he  had  with  a  pair  of  scissors  clipped  out  a 
piece  of  the  size  and  shape  of  the  subjoined  dia- 


Il8  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

gram.  He  then  borrowed  a  book  and  a  lead  pencil, 
and  placed  the  miniature  boomerang  on  the  former, 
with  one  end  projecting  over  the  edge  of  the  book 
about  an  inch.  He  then  took  the  book  in  his  left 
hand,  and  holding  it  at  a  slight  angle  as  represented 


in  the  diagram,  page  119,  struck  the  projecting  end 
a  smart  blow  with  the  pencil.  This  sent  it  whirl 
ing  through  the  air  towards  the  opposite  corner  of 
the  ceiling,  which  it  nearly  though  not  quite 
reached — then  it  came  fluttering  back  to  the  very 
feet  of  the  performer.  This  operation  was  repeated 
several  times  with  almost  universal  applause,  the 
only  dissentient  voice  being  that  of  a  little  shaver 
of  five,  who  wanted  to  see  the  parrots  come  down. 
About  this  time  it  became  evident  that  some 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  1 19 

mysterious  preparations  were  being  made  outside. 
A  good  deal  of  whispering  occurred,  and  Nix,  with 
one  or  two  others,  disappeared  from  the  apartment. 


We,  in  the  meantime,  amused  ourselves  with  sun 
dry  time-honored  experiments.  First  came  an  op 
tical  illusion-trick,  the  fun  of  which  consisted  in  the 
futile  efforts  of  several  persons  to  knock  a  cork  off 
a  fork  with  the  fore-finger  ;  and  is  performed  thus  : 
A  steel  fork,  or  some  other  sharp  instrument,  is  stuck 
in  the  door,  and  a  cork  placed  on  the  end  of  it. 

The  person  wishing  to  test  his  skill  places  him 
self  in  front  of  it ;  fixing  his  eyes  on  the  cork,  he 
then  walks  slowly  backwards  ten  or  twelve  feet,  his 
eyes  still  fixed  on  the  cork  ;  having  done  which,  he 
extends  his  right  hand,  closes  an  eye,  and  advances 


120 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


towards    the    cork,  till  he  thinks   he   has    reached 
near  enough  to  knock  the    cork  from  its  position 


with  one  blow  of  the  finger.  Nine  times  out  of  ten 
the  performers  fail,  as  they  did  on  the  occasion  in 
question.  This  experiment  seemed  to  afford  a 
good  excuse  to  a  certain  little  witch,  with  black  eyes, 
to  propose  the  performance  of  pinning  a  thimbleful 
of  water  to  the  wall.  The  thimble  was  filled  with 
water,  a  pin  borrowed,  and  mademoiselle,  escorted 
by  her  cavalier — a  young  gentleman  in  patent- 
leather  boots,  and  breathing  incense  from  every 
curl  of  his  hair,  and  from  every  part  of  his  dress,  to 
a  degree  calculated  to  drive  Phalon  mad  and  ruin 
the  reputation  of  Arabia.  Escorted  by  this  exqui- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  12  l 

site  being,  the  young  lady  repaired  to  the  spot 
selected  for  the  experiment ;  but,  alas  !  just  as  she 
was  about  to  fix  the  thimble  to  the  wall  the  pin 
dropped  to  the  floor.  In  an  instant  the  perfumed 
gallant  was  on  his  knees  searching  for  the  lost  arti 
cle,  and  with  equal  promptitude  the  treacherous 
belle  had  emptied  the  water  on  his  fragrant  pate, 
amid  the  roars  of  laughter  of  those  around — for  in 
this  consisted  the  trick. 

While  we  were  still  laughing  the  door  opened, 
and  Nix  entered,  somewhat  flushed,  and  with  a 
comical  frown  on  his  brow. 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,"  he  began,  "  I  have  a 
serious  complaint  to  make — really  it  is  too  bad. 
Upon  my  life  it  is.  I  think  Miss  Mary  Fenn  and 
Miss  Julia  Farley,  and  several  of  the  other  young 
ladies,  ought  to  be  spoken  to  "  (the  ladies  mentioned 
and  several  others  here  colored  up  and  looked  rather 
scared).  "  I  think  they  ought  to  be  very  seriously 
spoken  to,  going  round  in  this  reckless  way.  Why, 
upon  my  life,  there's  no  knowing  what  may  happen 
— and  they  don't  care  one  bit.  They  care  no  more 
for  a  fellow-creature  than  I  do  for  a  fly.  Ah  !  (with 
a  sigh)  there  is  one  feller-creature  which  I  wish 
they  would  think  a  little  more  of.  In  common 
honesty  they  ought  to  do  something  to  their  eyes — 

wear  spectacles,  or  something  of  that  sort ;  and  for 

6 


122  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

their  lips,  since  nature  has  seen  fit  not  to  provide 
them  with  moustaches,  they  might  use  respirators 
or — or — or — well,  something  has  to  be  done,  or 
there  won't  be  a  sane  man  in  the  neighborhood.  I 
myself  have  a  severe  pain  in  my  left  side  ;  and  here, 
when  I  go  outside — I  don't  mean  the  left  side,  but 
outside  the  room — for  a  little  temporary  relief,  I 
find  a  poor  fellow  maimed,  probably  for  life — his 
head  completely  turned." 

At  this  point  a  figure  resembling  the  opposite 
sketch  walks  in,  and  declares  that  he  would  not 
have  his  head  turned  back  for  the  world  ;  on  the 
contrary,  he  finds  his  present  position  far  more 
comfortable  than  any  other,  etc.,  etc.,  etc. 

The  construction  of  this  figure  is  so  simple  that 
it  seems  almost  superfluous  to  explain  it.  The 
person  performing  it  puts  on  a  loose  coat  and  vest, 
wrong  side  foremost,  fastens  a  false  face  to  the  back 
of  his  head,  and  a  wig  over  his  face,  and  the  whole 
is  complete.  The  wig  may  be  made  of  curled  hair 
from  an  old  mattress,  sewed  on  to  a  black  silk  cap. 
By  the  way,  while  we  are  on  the  subject,  we  may  as 
well  say  a  word  or  two  more  concerning  this  curled 
hair,  which  will  be  found  very  useful  for  amateur 
theatricals.  With  a  handful  of  this  cheap  material 
(the  imitation  or  grass  substitute  will  answer  just 
as  well),  you  can  make  beards,  whiskers,  and  mous- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


123 


taches  of  any  desired  shape.     All  that  is  required 
is  to  twist,  stretch,  or  mould  the  tangled  mass  into 


the  desired  shape,  and  then,  in  the  proper  place, 
stick  on  a  small  piece  of  diachylon,  and  the  appen 
dage  is  ready  for  use.  The  diachylon  can  be  pur 
chased  in  lump  form  of  any  druggist.  In  order  to 
adhere  it  to  the  face,  it  should  be  slightly  warmed 
before  the  fire. 


124  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

"  Why,  bless  my  soul  alive,  if  the  poor  fellow's 
head  isn't  turned ! "  exclaimed  Aunty  Delluvian, 
in  unfeigned  surprise.  "  Well,  some  foolish  fel 
lows  do  get  their  heads  turned  by  the  girls," 
and  the  good  old  lady  laughed  heartily,  honestly 
believing  she  had  made  a  joke.  Indeed,  she  patted 
us  on  the  knee  to  draw  our  attention,  as  she 
added,  in  an  explanatory  way : 

"  You  know,  when  I  was  a  girl,  and  any  young 
fellow  fell  in  love  with  one  of  the  girls,  we  used 
to  say  his  head  was  turned  ;  so  I  say  that  young 
man's  head  is  turned — don't  you  see ! "  and  again 
the  old  lady  went  off  in  a  transport  of  merriment 
at  her  own  wit.  But  in  a  moment  it  was  over, 
and  when  we  turned  there  was  something  glis 
tening  in  her  eye,  as  she  looked  dreamily  before 
her  out  of  that  Christmas-day  away  off,  doubtless, 
to-  some  other  Christmas-day  when  young  men  had 
their  heads  turned  by  designing  young  women. 
But  there  was  no  time  for  reverie;  for  Nix,  who 
had  assumed  the  position  of  showman,  now  made 
himself  heard,  bellowing  through  his  nose  : 

"  Now,  ladies  and  gentleman,  I  will  proceed  to 
show  you  a  highly  moral  exhibition,  some  of  the 
four-footed  works  of  nature,  or,  as  they  are  com 
monly  called,  quadrupedals.  This  exhibition,  by 
calling  the  mind  to  contemplate  the  works  of  na- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


12' 


ture,  elevates  the  soul  to  things  above,  and  makes 
us  all  better  fathers,  husbands,  wives,  sweethearts, 
sons,  and  girls  to  do  general  housework.  Now, 
ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  would  ask  you  who,  after 
contemplating  the  rhinoceros,  would  fail  to  return 
home  a  more  dutiful  parent  or  respectful  sweet 
heart  ?  But,  to  step  from  the  realms  of  fancy  to 
the  practical  regions  of  fact,  I  will  proceed  to  inter- 
dooce  to  you  that  splendid  anumile  Saladin,  the 
royal  Bengal  tiger,  from  Botteny  Bay,  in  the  West 
Injees.  This  wonderful  creature  measures  sixteen 
feet  from  the  tip  of  the  tail  to  the  tip  of  the  snout, 
and  sixteen  feet  from  the  tip  of  the  snout  to  the  tip 
of  the  tail,  making  in  all  thirty-two  feet." 

At  this  point  of  his  oration  the  showman  paused, 
opened  the  door,  and  gave  a  loud  whistle,  when  in 
scampered  a  creature  more  easily  sketched  than  de- 


126  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

scribed.  At  first  we  did  not  recognise  the  stub- 
tailed  bull-terrier  Snap,  so  completely  was  he  dis 
guised  and  bestriped  with  black  paint,  more  to 
resemble  a  zebra,  however,  than  a  tiger.  Snap,  all 
unconscious  of  his  new  character,  began  frisking  and 
capering  round,  wagging  his  tail  vociferously,  as 
Nix  expressed  it. 

"This  beautiful  but  terrible  creature,"  continued 
Nix,  "  is  exquisitely  marked  by  nature.  His,  how 
ever,  are  not  good-conduct  marks,  for,  in  his  native 
wilds,  his  behavior  is  anything  but  proper.  He 
will  devour  anything  that  comes  in  his  way,  having 
been  known,  when  pressed  by  hunger,  to  eat  even 
an  alderman.  Such  being  the  nature  of  the  beast, 
I  will  now  proceed  to  show  you  a  more  amiable 
specimen  of  this  moral  exhibition.  This,  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  is  the  largest  of  all  animals.  It  belongs 
to  Asia  and  Africa.  We  have  no  elephants,  natu 
rally,  in  America,  any  more  than  we  have  Irishmen. 
They  are  all  imported  at  great  expense,  two  ships 
being  required  to  bring  over  each  creature,  one  for 
himself,  and  one  for  his  trunk,  I  believe." 

Enter  elephant  (adjoining  page). 

"  The  elephant  lives  chiefly  on  ginger-snaps,  su 
gar,  rice,  and  cayenne  pepper,  which,  at  the  present 
price  of  groceries,  makes  his  board  come  rather 
heavy.  You  have  all  heard  of  the  sagacity  of  the 


HOW  TO  MAKE   AX   ELEPHANT      SM  /**-r  126, 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  I2/ 

elephant — how  he  squirted  the  dirty  water  over 
that  injudicious  tailor  who  ran  his  needle  into  the 
elephant's  trunk.  But,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  was 
witness  to  a  more  singular  instance  of  intelligence 
on  the  part  of  this  elephant  here,  which  is,  perhaps, 
the  largest  of  its  kind  ever  imported  to  this 
country.  While  passing  through  the  streets  of  one 
of  our  inland  towns  during  the  late  election, 
this  very  anumile  seized  a  slip  of  paper  from  one  of 
the  crowd,  rushed  up  to  the  polls,  and  actually 
voted  the  Union  ticket  before  we  knew  what  he 
was  about." 

In  this  strain  Nix  continued  for  some  time,  while 
the  elephant  walked  round  the  room.  Little  boys 
were  mounted  on  his  back  for  a  ride,  and  enjoyed 
the  fun  hugely. 

The  scientific  gentleman  with  gold  spectacles 
threw  a  temporary  damper  on  the  merriment  by 
asking,  in  a  sombre  voice,  whether  we  knew  how 
many  times  round  the  elephant's  foot  was  equal  to 
his  height,  and  then  equally  solemnly  informing  us 
that  it  was  "  Twice."  Having  said  "  twice  !  "  very 
emphatically,  he  became  silent,  and  the  fun  went 
on. 

Now  comes  the  question — How  was  the  elephant 
made  ?  A  glance  at  the  annexed  picture  will  throw 
considerable  light  on  the  subject  at  once. 


128  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

Here  we  have  the  usual  human  substratum.  Two 
gentlemen,  wearing  rubbers,  place  themselves  in 
the  position  represented,  while  the  foremost  one 
holds  something  in  his  hands.  This  is  a  grey 
shawl  or  table-cover,  rolled  up  to  represent  the 
elephant's  trunk,  which  the  performer  swings  about 
to  produce  a  life-like  effec~t.  All  that  now  remains 
to  be  done  is  to  procure  another  grey  shawl  and 
spread  it  over  the  united  operators,  fastening  two 
pieces  of  round  paper,  with  black  dots  on  them,  in 
the  proper  places,  for  eyes,  and  a  couple  of  rags  or 
old  gloves  for  ears.  The  elephant  is  now  complete, 
save  the  tusks.  These  can  be  made  out  of  long 
pieces  of  twisted  white  paper,  pinned  to  the  inside  of 
the  shawl,  and  there  you  have  a  first-rate  elephant 
for  a  small  tea-party.  Dish,  and  serve  up  with 
lots  of  sass,  as  the"  cookery  books  say.  But  let  us 
listen  to  Nix  ;  he  is  spouting  some  more  nonsense  : 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen  :  This  elephant  was  cap 
tured  and  imported  into  this  country  by  a  Bengal 
officer,  Colonel  Gurramuchy,  whom  I  shall  have 
much  pleasure  in  introducing  to  you.  You  have  all 
heard  of  Gumming — well,  he  is  coming." 

Here  entered  the  most  extraordinary  being  we 
had  ever  beheld  ;  a  very  military-looking  person, 
with  a  very  small  head  and  an  exceedingly  long 
neck.  However,  refer  to  the  illustration,  where 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  129 

you  see  him  faithfully  portrayed.     Following  him 


was  an  equally  singular  person,  who  was  presented 
to  us  as  Captain  Dawk,  a  particular  friend  of  the 
Colonel'-s,  whose  portrait  we  likewise  subjoin. 
These  gentlemen  chatted  with  Nix,  and  told  us  one 
or  two  of  their  hunting  adventures — the  most  ex 
travagant  yarns.  We  have  only  sjpace  for  one, 
which  we  shall  condense  as  much  as  possible. 
Captain  Dawk  once,  while  hunting  the  wild  boar 
in  India,  had  the  misfortune  to  have  his  horse 
ripped  open  by  the  tusks  of  the  infuriated  beast. 
His  horse  of  course  fell  heavily,  and  died  almost 
immediately.  While  he  was  standing  at  the  side  of 

the  poor  creature,  deploring  his  loss,  and  wondering 
6* 


130 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


how  he  should  ever  reach  home,  he  beheld  at  some 
distance  from  him,  on  the  open  plain,  a  huge  tiger 


approaching.  There  was  no  tree  within  miles  ;  to 
run  away  would  have  been  useless  ;  he  at  once  be 
thought  himself  of  an  idea.  Seizing  his  hunting- 
knife,  he  rapidly  removed  the  internals  of  the  horse, 
and  crept  into  the  cavity  himself.  The  tiger,  on 
coming  up,  seized  the  horse  by  the  neck,  and 
dragged  it  several  miles  to  its  den  in  the  jungle, 
where  it  commenced  at  once  to  feast  upon  the  car 
cass.  Watching  a  favorable  opportunity,  when  the 
tiger  had  eaten  a  hole  in  the  horse's  side,  Captain 
Dawk  drew  a  small  revolver  from  his  pocket,  and 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  131 

shot  the  animal  dead.  He  was  just  in  the  act  of 
crawling  from  his  place  of  concealment  when  he 
beheld  five  more  tigers  approaching.  Four  of  these 
he  shot  one  after  the  other  from  inside  the  horse, 
and  then  all  his  ammunition  was  exhausted,  and  one 
tiger  was  left  alive ;  but,  drawing  his  knife,  he  re 
solved  to  sell  his  life  dearly.  Here  the  Captain  gave 
us  a  most  harrowing  account  of  his  encounter  with 
the  last  tiger,  which  was  larger  than  any  of  the 
others.  First  it  broke  both  his  legs,  then  his  arms, 
then  his  back,  and  finally  the  ferocious  beast  got 
the  officer's  head  into  its  mouth — but  to  conclude 
in  his  own  words  :  "  I  felt  the  hot  breath  in  my 
face,  the  sharp  teeth  pressing  both  sides  of  my 
skull.  In  another  instant  I  felt  all  would  be  over, 
and  my  worst  fears  were  realized.  With  one  gripe 
the  wretched  brute  bit  off  my  head,  and  then  tear 
ing  me  limb  from  limb,  devoured  me  on  the  spot." 
This  story  was  pronounced  a  stunner. 

But  how  were  these  extraordinary  faces  pro 
duced  ?  First,  we  will  refer  our  readers  to  the 
diagram,  which  will  explain  a  good  deal,  and  then 
throw  what  light  we  can  on  the  subject  with  words. 

The  face  of  the  Colonel  was  made  by  painting  an 
entire  set  of  features  on  the  forehead  with  India- 
ink.  The  white  of  the  eyes  in  both  cases  was 
effected  by  wetting  the  finger  and  rubbing  it  on  an 


132 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


enamelled  visiting-card ;  by  this  means  you  take  a 
good  deal  of  the  white  from  the  card  which  can  be 


transferred  to  the  proper  place  on  the  forehead. 
In  the  case  of  the  Colonel,  if  the  performer  moves 
his  eyebrows  up  and  down  as  he  is  speaking,  it  will 
communicate  a  motion  to  the  pointed  moustaches, 
and  a  most  comical  expression  to  the  entire  face. 

To  make  the  second  face,  you  must,  if  possible, 
get  some  one  with  very  light  eyebrows  and  no 
moustaches  ;  then  paint  eyes  and  eyebrows  on  the 
forehead,  which  must  be  done  artistically,  shadows 
and  all,  and  connect  them,  as  represented,  with  the 
bridge  of  the  nose,  paint  heavy  black  moustaches, 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  133 

and  your  performer  will  have  the  appearance  of  pos 
sessing  an  immensely  long  face  ;  he  must,  however, 
keep  his  eyes  shut,  or  the  illusion  will  be  dispelled. 

After  this  performance,  the  scene,  as  painted  on 
our  memory,  resolves  itself  into  blue  eyes,  pink 
ribbons,  bunchy  skirts,  oranges,  candies,  lemonades, 
wax-lights,  Christmas-trees,  Aunty  Delluvian,  and 
endless  smiling  faces. 

May  all  good  people  have  as  foolish,  merry  a 
Christmas  as  we  had  at  Aunty  Delluvian's  ! 


CHAPTER    XII. 


HANKY-PANKY  is  the  name  of  a  certain  art  prac 
tised  by  pantomimists  of  the  clown  and  harlequin 
school,  and  is  the  subject  of  no  little  study  and 
practice.  We  do  not  think  it  within  our  power  to 
define  hanky-panky,  composed  as  it  is  of  fictitious 
whackings  and  kickings  and  smackings,  unless,  in 
deed,  that  be  a  definition.  We  can,  however,  give 
a  couple  of  illustrations  of  the  art  as  it  may  be 
practised  in  the  family  circle.  We  may  look  fur 
ther  into  the  matter  at  some  future  day,  and  possi 
bly  issue  a  volume  of  Parlor  hanky-panky,  beauti 
fully  illustrated  by  the  author. 

The  first  example  we  shall  now  give  is  how  to 
knock  your  knuckles  on  the  edge  of  a  marble  man 
tel-piece  or  other  hard  substance  without  hurting 
them.  It  is  done  thus  :  You  raise  your  clenched 
fist  high  in  the  air,  hold  it  poised  there  some 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


135 


seconds  for  all  the  audience  to  see,  and  then  bring 
it  swiftly  down  ;  but  just  before  your  hand  reaches 
the  object,  open  your  fingers  quickly,  so  they  will 


strike  the  object  with  a  sharp  slap,  then  close  them 
quickly ;  if  this  is  neatly  done,  it  will  appear  as  if 
you  had  struck  your  knuckles  a  violent  blow.  This 
will  make  the  ladies  scream,  and  every  one  else 
thrill  of  horror. 

The  second  feat  of  hanky-panky  consists  in 
knocking  your  head  against  the  edge  of  a  door  with 
such  apparent  force  as  to  break  your  skull,  pro 
vided  it  be  anything  under  an  inch  thick. 

This  you  do  by  holding  your  hand  which  is  far 
thest  from  the  audience  on  a  level  with  your  face, 


136 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


as  represented  in  the  annexed  picture.  At  the 
moment  your  forehead  touches  the  edge  you  must 
give  the  side  of  the  door  a  good  smart  bang  with 
the  palm  of  your  hand.  To  the  audience  on  the 
other  side  of  the  door,  who  do  not  see  this  motion 


of  the  hand,  you  appear,  to  have   given  your  poor 
head  a  terrific  blow. 

Another  piece  of  hanky-panky  frequently  prac- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  137 

tised  on  the  stage  requires  two  performers.  No.  I 
aims  a  blow  at  the  head  of  No.  2  ;  No.  2,  just  as 
the  blow  reaches  him,  raises  both  hands  as  though 
to  guard  the  blow,  managing,  however,  as  he  does 
so  to  slap  them  smartly  together  so  as  to  produce  a 
loud  report.  If  the  blow  and  the  report  occur 
simultaneously,  No.  I  will  appear  to  have  given 
No.  2  a  most  vicious  box  on  the  ear. 

This  is  all  we  have  to  say  about  hanky-panky. 


CHAPTER    XIII. 


BEING  in  a  tranquil  mood  the  other  evening,  and 
indisposed  for  the  rollicking  fun  and  tomfoolery  in 
which,  we  are  glad  to  say,  we  have  so  often  in 
dulged,  we  called  upon  our  friend  Nix  to  pass  a 
quiet  hour  or  two.  When  we  had  explained  the 
object  of  our  visit,  Nix  replied  that  it  was  well,  for 
although  he  could  not  entertain  us  himself  in  the 
character  of  host,  he  could  introduce  us  to  a  family 
to  whom  he  happened  to  be  engaged  himself  that 
evening. 

"  They  are,"  said  he,  "  the  most  charming  people 
in  the  world — all  ladies,  excepting  a  little  pickle 
of  a  boy,  a  child  after  your  own  heart,  by  the  way ; 
not  one  of  your  impulsive,  high-spirited  humbugs, 
who  does  all  sorts  of  vicious  things  for  twelve  hours, 
and  is  sorry  for  them  for  five  minutes  ;  not  one 
of  your  easy  penitents,  who  is  never  ashamed  of 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  139 

owning  himself  in  the  wrong,  and  at  the  same  time 
never  too  proud  to  do  wrong ;  but  a  stubborn,  sen 
sitive,  ingenuous,  affe6lionate,  fun-loving  little  fellow. 
Do  you  know  I  like  people  who,  when  they  are 
mad,  get  sulky  ?  I  have  found  they  make  the  best 
of  friends,  the  best  servants,  and  the  best  members 
of  society  generally.  I  wonder  who  started  the 
admiration  of  impulsive  people  ?  '  Oh  ! '  you  hear 
a  young  lady  say,  who  never  really  gave  the  sub 
ject  five  minutes'  thought  in  her  life,  and  is  quite 
unconscious  that  she  is  repeating  a  hackneyed  sen 
timent  which  has  been  knocking  about  the  world 
for  the  last  fifty  years  ;  '  oh ! '  you  hear  her  say, 
'  I  like  quick-tempered  people,  who  get  into  a  pas 
sion  and  are  over  it  in  a  minute.'  Then  you  hoar 
some  one  else :  '  Oh,  yes,  he  does  wrong,  but  he  is 
full  of  fine  impulses  ! '  For  my  part,  I  think  these 
impulsive  folks  are  the  greatest  humbugs  in  the 
world.  In  the  first  place,  there  is  scarcely  any 
villany  which  cannot  be  perpetrated  in  a  moment, 
if  you  have  only  the  necessary  impulse ;  but  then, 
to  look  into  the  origin  of  this  impulsiveness,  it 
arises  altogether  from  a  lack  of  self-control,  a  vio 
lent,  self-indulgent  spirit.  Then,  as  to  ready  re 
pentance  and  confession,  that,  to  my  mind,  is  the 
worst  sign  man,  woman,  or  child  can  show  ;  it  sim 
ply  shows  they  do  not  fully  appreciate  the  serious- 


140  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

ness  of  their  offence,  or  are  so  devoid  of  pride  that 
they  do  not  care  in  what  estimation  they  are  held 
by  others  ;  or,  as  is  often  the  case,  it  is  a  cheap 
way  of  squaring  accounts  and  starting  afresh,  per 
haps  on  better  terms  than  before,  with  people  who 
like  impulsive  characters.  Bah !  Confession  and 
repentance  ought  to  come  out  of  a  man  with  tears 
of  blood,  and " 

"  But  about  the  ladies  ?  "  we  broke  in.  "  Your 
dissertation  on  character  is  very  good,  but  I  think 
you  made  use  of  the  adjective  charming  in  con 
nection  with  the  noun  ladies." 

"  Oh,  yes,"  answered  Nix,  suddenly  changing  his 
manner,  for  he  had  grown  quite  fierce  and  enthusi 
astic  in  his  tirade  against  impulsive  persons.  "  The 
ladies — '  that  man  who  would  lay  his  hand  on  a  lady 
in  aught  save  kindness,  is  unworthy  the  name  of  a 
British  officer  and  a  gentleman.' 

"  '  A  wife,  a  dog,  and  a  walnut-tree, 

The  more  you  lick  'em,  the  better  they  be.' 

Arguments  pro  and  con.  But  you  said  something 
about  the  ladies.  Well,  this  family  comprises  a 
widow,  three  daughters,  and  little  pickle  aforemen 
tioned.  These  ladies,  I  may  tell  you,  are  not  only 
ladies,  but  gentlewomen — a  very,  very  rare  article, 
I  can  assure  you." 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  141 

"  True,"  we  responded  ;  "  painfully  true." 

"  These  ladies  have  found  out — »no,  there  I  am 
wrong ;  they  never  gave  the  subject  a  thought. 
But  they  are  illustrations  of  the  fact,  though  they 
are  ignorant  of  it,  for  their  good-breeding  came  to 
them  partly  by  nature  and  partly  by  careful,  mo 
therly,  Christian  training.  They  are  illustrations  of 
the  fact,  that  to  be*  gentlewomen  it  is  necessary  to 
be  gentle  women." 

"  Women  do  not  appear  to  be  generally  aware  of 
that  fact,"  we  chimed  in. 

"  These  ladies,  although  full  of  intelligence  and 
esprit,  besides  being  highly  educated  and  accom 
plished,  could  not,  I  believe,  give  a  smart  retort  to 
— to — to  save  their  eyes  ;  and  when  you  see  their 
eyes  you  will  be  able  to  judge  of  the  value  of  the 
stake.  If  any  one  were  to  make  a  rude  or  imperti 
nent  speech  to  them  they  would  not  understand 
him.  As  they  never  wound  the  feelings  of  others, 
they  cannot  imagine  any  one  else  doing  so." 

"  But,"  said  we,  "  there  are  certain  forms  of  words 
which  no  one  could  possibly  mistake — not  even  the 
simplest  of  human  beings." 

"Oh,»of  course,  I  don't  refer  to  such  cases  as 
those  !  Under  such  circumstances,  my  friends 
would  feel  deeply  grieved,  and  even  rebuke  the 
offender.  But  as  to  making  one  of  those  sharp  re- 


142  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

torts  in  which  underbred  young  women  so  greatly 
delight,  why,  they  could  no  more  do  it  than  fly ! " 

Fortunately,  at  this  point  in  Nix's  harangue,  we 
reached  the  door  of  the  ladies  under  discussion  ;  for 
be  it  understood  that  most  of  our  conversation  had 
occurred  on  our  way  thither. 

We  doubt  whether  it  is  a  good  plan  to  praise  one's 
friends  too  highly  before  an  introduction  ;  it  is  cal 
culated  to  produce  a  reaction.  At  least,  we  felt 
just  the  least  shade  of  .disappointment  on  being 
ushered  into  the  presence  of  the  subject  of  our 
companion's  eulogy.  Four  plainly-dressed,  oval- 
faced,  soft-eyed  ladies,  seated  round  a  large  centre- 
table,  on  which  were  strewn  water-colors,  albums, 
scissors,  and  scraps  of  paper. 

"  Mr.  Nix  has  told  us  all  so  much  about  you," 
said  the  eldest,  "  that  I  feel  as  though  we  were 
old  friends.  My  daughters  are  now  enthusiastic  on 
the  subject  of  transparencies,  and  I've  no  doubt 
your  ingenuity  will  enable  them  to  solve  many 
knotty  points  beyond  their  amateur  capacity." 

We  soon  found,  however,  that  we  were  the  one 
to  learn,  for  the  work  on  which  the  white  fingers 
were  engaged  was  something  entirely  new  to  us. 
There  were  beautiful  transparencies,  mostly  repre 
senting  landscapes,  and  cut  out  of  writing-paper. 
We  immediately  became  a  devoted  student  of  the 


PAPKR   TRANSPAKKNC1KS.— See  page  14?. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.    .    ,          143 

art  of  transparent  picture-making,  with  a  single 
eye,  of  course,  to  the  amusement  of  our  readers. 
The  soft,  brown  eyes,  the  taper  fingers,  and  the 
gentle  manners,  had  nothing  to  do  with  our  assi 
duity,  upon  which  we  pledge  our  sacred  honor,  as 
a  Calmuc  Tartar. 

We  will  now  proceed  to  explain,  if  those  white 
fingers  do  not  get  in  the  way,  how  these  pictures 
are  produced ;  and  first,  according  to  our  custom, 
we  refer  the  reader  to  the  annexed  diagram  (No.  i) 
— a  diagram  is  a  good  basis  to  start  upon.  Be 
fore  you  look  at  the  diagram,  it  would  be  well  to 
collect  the  necessary  materials,  which  are  as  fol 
lows  : 

Several  sheets  of  writing-paper. 

One  piece,  say  four  inches  square,  of  thick  paper 
or  card. 

A  pair  of  small  fine-pointed  scissors. 

A  sharp-pointed  penknife. 

A  small  piece  of  charcoal.  Burnt  grape-vine  or 
cedar  makes  the  best. 

A  piece  of  transparent  tracing-paper. 

A  black  lead-pencil. 

Pen  and  ink. 

A  thick  pasteboard,  or  thin  pine  board,  about 
the  thickness  of  an  ordinary  book-cover,  and  at 
least  two  inches  longer  and  wider  than  the  picture 


144  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

you  are  about  to  make.  A  sheet  of  glass  will  an 
swer  as  well,  perhaps  better. 

A  small  quantity  of  thin,  fine  paste,  free  from 
lumps,  made  ,of  flour  and  water  boiled.  Mind  that 
it  is  boiled  and  free  from  lumps. 

Now  see  the  diagram  No.  i.  This  is  the 
picture  you  wish  to  produce  in  the  transpa 
rency.  Take  your  tracing-paper,  and  with  a  pen 
and  ink  make  an  outline  of  this  picture,  having 
done  which,  rub  the  charcoal  over  the  back  of  the 
tracing,  then  lay  the  tracing-paper  on  a  sheet  of  let 
ter-paper,  take  your  lead-pencil  in  your  hand  ;  now, 
every  mark  you  make  on  the  tracing-paper  with  the 
pencil  will  leave  a  corresponding  charcoal  mark  on 
the  paper  beneath  it.  Bearing  this  in  mind,  you 
will  draw  your  pencil  carefully  round  the  outline  of 
the  moon,  the  window  of  the  old  castle,  and  the 
bright  light  in  the  water.  Now  carefully  remove 
the  tracing-paper,  and  you  will  find  the  forms  of 
these  objects  faintly  marked  in  charcoal  lines  on 
the  writing-paper.  Now,  with  the  fine  point  (it 
must  have  a  fine  point)  of  your  lead-pencil,  travel 
over  the  charcoal  lines,  so  as  to  make  them  distinct 
and  permanent.  You  do  so  because  the  charcoal 
easily  brushes  off.  You  will  then  proceed  to  brush 
off  the  charcoal  with  a  soft  rag  as  soon  as  you  have 
made  your  pencil  outline.  You  will  now,  with  the 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  I45 

scissors  or  penknife,  whichever  is  most  convenient 
for  the  purpose,  cut  out  the  parts  you  have  traced 
— that  is  to  say,  a  round  hole  for  the  moon,  a  small 
square  patch  for  the  castle  window,  ^id  a  few 
irregular  slits  for  the  water.  Then  you  will  have  a 
piece  of  paper  like  diagram  No.  2  (page  152). 

There  now,  we  think  we  managed  to  keep  the 
white  fingers  out  of  that  pretty  well,  though  it  was 
pretty  hard  work,  rest  assured.  So  far  so  good. 
Now  you  want  to  cut  a  piece  of  paper,  which  shall 
be  your  second  tint,  to  represent  the  clouds  and 
water.  To  this  end  you  again  lay  your  outline 
tracing  on  the  white  paper,  and  trace  the  shape  of 
the  clouds,  the  castle  window,  and  the  lights  on  the 
water,  which  will  give  you  a  form  similar  to  that 
represented  in  diagram  No.  3  (page  153).  This 
you  will  cut  out  as  before. 

Now  you  wish  for  a  tint  to  represent  the  distant 
mountains  and  the  reflection  of  the  old  castle ; 
therefore,  trace  and  cut  out  as  before  directed  a 
piece  of  paper  corresponding  with  the  outlines  of 
these  forms,  which  piece  will  correspond  exactly 
with  diagram  No.  4  (page  154).  Now  you  will  cut 
out  a  piece  of  paper  to  represent  the  nearer  moun 
tains  and  the  castle,  which  will  correspond  with 
diagram  No.  5  (page  155).  After  which  you  will 
cut  a  piece  to  represent  the  castle  alone ;  and 
7 


146  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

lastly,  you  cut  out  of  your  card  the  form  of  the  fir- 
tree  and  old  railing  in  the  foreground,  and  the 
chief  part  of  your  labor  is  done. 

Again  we  must  congratulate  ourself  on  keeping 
those  little  fingers  out  of  our  description,  though 
they  have  been  playing  about  like  white  mice 
among  our  ideas  all  the  time.  We  only  trust  we 
have  made  the  process  clear  to  our  readers. 

We  will  now  presume  you  wish  to  mount  your 
transparency  on  a  sheet  of  glass.  First  take  the 
piece  of  white  paper  corresponding  with  diagram  No. 
2,  and  cover  it  with  a  thin  coat  of  paste,  being  careful 
that  it  is  free  from  lumps,  and  lay  it  on  the  glass, 
pressing  it  evenly  all  over  with  a  soft  handkerchief. 
Over  this,  in  its  proper  place,  paste  No.  3,  over  that 
No.  4,  and  so  on,  one  over  the  other,  till  they  are 
all  on.  You  can  now  hold  it  up  to  the  light  to  see 
if  the  reflected  lights  in  the  water  are  correct ;  if 
not,  wait  till  the  transparency  is  dry,  and  brighten 
them  up  by  cutting  the  necessary  pieces  out  with 
the  sharp  point  of  a  penknife.  All  that  needs 
doing  now  is  to  paste  over  all  a  thin  sheet  of  white 
paper.  This  need  only  be  pasted  round  the  edges 
just  enough  to  make  it  keep  its  place.  To  give 
the  picture  a  finish,  it  should  either  be  put  in  a  frame 
or  have  a  border  of  gilt  paper  or  other  untranslucent 
material  pasted  round  it  to  conceal  the  ragged 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  147 

edges  of  the  picture.  Now  your  picture  is  com 
plete.  Hold  it  once  more  up  to  the  light,  and  you 
will  be  surprised  what  a  beautiful  effect  is  pro 
duced. 

If  the  transparency  be  not  to  be  mounted  in  glass, 
the  process  is  as  follows  :  Cut  a  square  hole,  a  trifle 
smaller  than  the  picture,  in  the  board  you  have 
provided ;  cut,  a  piece  of  white  paper  of  the  same 
shape  as  the  hole,  only  about  one  inch  larger  each 
way ;  moisten  it  slightly  with  a  wet  rag,  then  put 
some  paste  all  round  the  edges  of  the  paper,  and 
paste  it  over  the  square  hole  in  the  board ;  keep 
the  paper  slightly  moistened  till  the  paste  has 
thoroughly  dried  ;  then  you  can  allow  the  paper  to 
dry,  when  it  will  become  smooth  and  tight  like  the 
head  of  a  drum.  On  this  you  can  paste  the  trans 
parency  in  the  same  way  you  did  on  the  glass. 

Our  young  lady  friends  had  a  number  of  wonder 
ful  things  produced  in  this  way,  into  some  of  which 
they  had  introduced  color  with  remarkable  effect. 
In  the  design  we  have  given  as  an  example,  being 
one  of  the  simplest  in  their  collection,  the  light  in 
the  castle  window  was  red,  and  threw  long  rays  of 
'red  light  across  the  rocks,  with  a  red  reflection  in 
the  water.  This  was  easily  done  with  a  little  water- 
color  (crimson  lake)  ;  but  we  refrained  from  intro 
ducing  it  into  our  description,  for  fear  of  compli- 


148  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

eating  the  matter  and  puzzling  the  reader.  How 
ever,  when  you  have  made  the  one  we  have 
described,  you  will  soon  see  a  number  of  other 
effects  which  can  be  produced — sunsets  with  a 
moving  sun,  rain-storms,  floating  clouds ;  skies 
and  water  painted  blue,  and  trees  green,  etc.,  etc. 

Little  Pickle  did  not  take  any  active  part  in  the 
transparency  business,  though  he  looked  on  ad 
miringly,  occasionally  throwing  in  a  few  words  of 
applause  or  advice,  something  in  this  style  : 

"  Oh  !  I  say,  Lucy,  couldn't  you  put  a  cow  in 
there ;  it  would  look  fust-rate.  I  can  draw  a  cow, 
all  but  the  feet,  and  you  can  hide  them  behind  the 
rocks,  you  know." 

Or: 

"Yes — ah — yes — that  snow  is  pretty  good,  only 
that  feller  has  only  got  one  runner  to  his  sled ! " 

It  is  strange  that  boys  will  always  say  feller  and 
fust-rate. 

Little  Pickle  was  not,  however,  idle  in  his  way. 
While  we  were  studying  white  fingers,  brown  eyes, 
and  transparencies,  he  had  cut  out  a  sled,  a  wheel 
barrow,  and  manufactured  a  dancing-pea.  The 
latter  he  made  by  running  a  pin  half  way  through  a 
pea,  one  end  of  which  he  stuck  into  a  broken  piece 
of  tobacco-pipe.  He  then  threw  his  head  back  till 
the  tobacco-pipe  attained  a  perpendicular  position, 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


149 


when  he  commenced  blowing,  which  made  the  pea 
dance  in  the  air  in  the  most  amusing  manner  for 
nearly  a  minute.  The  mode  of  arranging  the  pea, 
as  well  as  of  using  it,  is  illustrated  in  the  accom 
panying  sketch. 


He  likewise  horrified  us  all  by  suddenly  appear 
ing  with  a  hideous  double  row  of  protruding  yellow 
teeth,  which  he  coolly  dropped  into  the  palm  of  his 
hand,  when  he  thought  our  feelings  had  been  suffi 
ciently  outraged. 

"  They  are  only  made  of  orange-peel,"  he  ex 
plained.  "  You  just  cut  a  slit  there,  and  notch 
them  along  like  that,  and  then  put  them  into  your 
mouth." 


ISO 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


Now,   in   order   to   convey  to   your   mind,  dear 
reader,  the  method  of  constructing  this  ornament, 


shall  we  tell  you  to  cut  an  elliptical  piece  of  orange, 
and  then  make  a  longitudinal  incision  here,  with 
transverse  incisions  there,  etc.,  etc.  ?  No,  we  will 
not ;  we  will  fall  back  to  our  old  friend  the  diagram, 
and  if  you  cannot  make  yourself  a  set  of  false  teeth 
after  that,  then  remain  in  heathen  darkness  on  all 
matters  of  dentistry,  as  you  deserve.  Cut  a  piece 
of  orange-peel  in  the  shape  represented,  and  at 
the  foot  of  the  preceding  diagram  you  will  see  how 
they  look  when  you  put  them  on. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


152 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


153 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


155 


156 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


CHAPTER   XIV. 


A  FRIEND  of  ours,  who  is  an  ardent  admirer  of 
that  great  humorist  of  the  plains,  Artemus  Ward, 
has  recently  been  edifying  a  large  circle  of  private 
friends  with  imitations  of  the  celebrated  showman. 
He  has  had  a  wig  and  false  nose  made  expressly  for 
this  entertainment,  by  the  aid  of  which  adjuncts  he 
succeeds  in  establishing  quite  a  respectable  resem 
blance  to  the  grand  original,  as  may  be  seen  by  his 
portrait,  which  we  have  taken  the  trouble  to  get 
engraved. 

Most  of  the  jokes  are  those  of  Artemus  repeated 
from  memory.  The  more  sober  ones,  we  fancy,  are 
original.  The  lecture  runs  thus  : 

"  LADIES  AND  GENTLEMEN  : — Having  recently 
paid  a  visit  to  Salt  Lake  City,  the  great  Mormon 
capital,  I  think  a  short  lecture  on  the  subject  may 
prove  instructive  as  well  as  amusing.  Although  I 


i58 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


appear  before  you  with  the  cap  and  bells,  I  would 
have  you  understand  that  when  I  speak  of  matters 


of  fa6l  I  shall  confine  myself  strictly  to  the  truth. 
You  may,  therefore,  rely  upon  all  I  shall  tell  you 
concerning  the  Mormons  as  being  strictly  true. 

"  When  on  the  dock  preparatory  to  start  on  my 
voyage,  I  found  myself  surrounded  by  a  large  con 
course  of  people,  who  seemed  perfectly  willing  that 
I  should  go.  '  Go  along,'  they  said,  '  old  feller,  and 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  159 

stay  as  long  as  you  please.'  I  would  like  you  to 
take  a  good  look  at  the  noble  vessel  in  which  I 
sailed  (pointing  to  a  crude  delineation  of  a  steam 
ship),  because,  if  you  ever  go  to  California,  travel 
by  some  other  boat. 

"  When  we  were  fairly  out  at  sea,  I  observed  that 
many  of  the  passengers  ran  frequently  to  look  over 
the  side  of  the  vessel — to  see  if  there  were  any  dol 
phins  alongside,  I  presume.  One  young  couple 
sitting  near  me,  newly  married  and  very  haggard, 
talked  earnestly  together.  I  could  not  avoid  hear 
ing  a  part  of  their  conversation. 

"'Oh,  Julia,'  said  the  gentleman, 'you  are  very 
noble ;  you  have  thrown  up  society,  friends,  every 
thing  for  me/ 

" '  Do  not  say  a  word,  Alfred,'  replied  the  young 
lady ;  'you  have  thrown  up  more  than  I  have.' 

"  It  was  very  touching,  for  they  certainly  threw 
up  a  great  deal  between  them. 

"  In  San  Francisco  I  delivered  an  oration.  It 
was  not,  perhaps,  equal  to  Cicero's,  but  still  I  think 
— I  don't  know — but  I  think  if  old  Cis  had  heard 
it  he  would  have  been  astonished.  I  delivered  an 
oration  to  the  soldiers  once.  They  were  much  de 
lighted — very  much  delighted  indeed — so  delighted, 
in  fact,  that  they  come  dooced  near  shooting  me. 

"  The  hotels  on  the  road  to  Salt  Lake  City  are, 


160  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

as  a  rule,  inferior  to  our  leading  ones  in  New  York. 
At  one  of  them  they  gave  me  a  sack  of  oats  for  a 
pillow.  That  night  I  had  nightmares.  I  suppose 
they  were  attracted  by  the  oats.  The  next  morning 
the  landlord  asked  me  how  I  was,  old  hoss  !  I  re 
plied  that  I  felt  my  oats  ! 

"  After  travelling  several  days,  more  or  less,  we 
reached  Utah,  and  put  up  at  this  hotel  (here  a  rude 
picture  is  produced).  It  is  a  temperance  hotel. 
The  only  objection  I  have  to  temperance  hotels  is 
that — that — they  keep  such  dooced  poor  ticker.  In 
the  front  of  the  hotel  may  be  seen  the  coach  in 
which  we  had  been  confined  for  the  last  eight  days. 
Those  among  my  audience  who  have  served  a  term 
in  the  State  prison  will  understand  our  feeling 
when  we  escaped  from  that  vehicle. 

"  Utah  is  a  beautiful  city,  laid  out  in  broad  streets, 
with  avenues  of  fine  trees.  Brigham  Young  is  the 
big  injun  of  the  place,  next  to  whom  comes  Heber 
Kimball.  Brigham  has  the  largest  number  of  wives 
— two  hundred  in  all.  He  says  his  only  hope  now 
is  to  have  his  dying  pillow  smoothed  by  the  hands 
of  his  family.  Under  the  circumstances,  it  strikes 
me  he'd  have  to  go  out  of  doors  to  die  if  he  wishes 
to  accomplish  it. 

"  The  number  of  his  children  is  unknown,  though, 
if  you  multiply  two  hundred  wives  by  fifteen,  you 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  l6l 

will  get  a  rough  estimate.  We  mentioned  this  to 
Briggy,  and  he  seemed  to  think  it  rather  rough. 
Perhaps  so.  Brig  is  very  exact  in  his  calculations  ; 
he  knows  to  a  ton  of  beef  what  is  consumed  in  his 
household  daily.  As  an  illustration  of  his  exceed 
ing  accuracy  in  little  matters,  we  may  mention  a 
fact.  On  one  occasion  one  of  his  wives  was  miss 
ing.  Five  weeks  had  not  elapsed  before  Brigham 
had  discovered  the  fact.  Those  of  my  audience  who 
have  mothers-in-law  will  appreciate  the  advantage 
of  two  hundred  wives.  There  must  be  a  good  deal 
of  mother-in-law  to  that  number  ;  an  amount  high 
ly  calculated  to  keep  things  lively.  Possibly  Brig- 
ham  is  fond  of  excitement. 

"  On  one  occasion  Briggy  took  a  fancy  to  a 
certain  young  lady,  and  proposed  for  her  hand. 
She  replied  that  she  could  not  accept  his  offer 
unless  he  also  married  her  elder  sister.  To  this  he 
readily  assented — went  to  her — the  proposition  was 
made — the  sister  said  she  should  be  obliged  to  de 
cline  unless  he  married  her  mother  also.  After 
some  deliberation  he  proposed  to  the  mother,  but 
she  refused  unless  he  would  also  propose  to  her 
old  grandmother.  Finally  he  married  the  whole 
crowd. 

"  Of  course  Brigham  cannot  attend  personally  to 
the  amount  of  courting  necessary — that  is  to  say, 


162  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

in  our  old-fashioned  style.  No,  he  has  his  form  of 
love  done  up  in  pamphlet  form,  which  he  sends  to 
any  lady  to  whom  he  wishes  to  be  united.  This 
saves  trouble. 

"  Though  the  Mormons  generally  are  a  very 
steady  people,  they  still  have  loose  fish  among 
them.  On  one  occasion  a  gay  Mormon  Lothario 
gained  access  to  a  young  ladies'  seminary.  In  the 
morning  it  was  found  he  had  eloped  with  the  entire 
establishment. 

"  I,  even  I  did  not  escape  without  some  difficulty. 
Just  before  my  departure,  a  worthy  gentleman  in 
the  pickle  business  died,  leaving  fourteen  wives. 
They  sent  for  me.  When  I  called  I  found  them  all 
in  tears. 

"  '  Why  is  this  thus  ? '  I  inquired. 

"  '  Art  going  ? '  inquired  they. 

" '  I  1st,'  I  replied. 

"  '  Oh,  why  !  oh,  why  goest  thou  ? ' 

" '  Because  when  I  gettest  ready  to  doest  a  thing, 
I  generally  doest  it,'  replied  I. 

" '  Wilt  marry  us  ? '  said  they. 

" '  I  rather  think  not,'  I  replied. 

"  '  Oh,  this  is  too  much  ! '  cried  they. 

"  '  That's  where  it  is,'  rejoined  myself.  '  It's  pre 
cisely  on  account  of  its  being  too  much  that  I 
object  to  it.' 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  163 

"  My  lectures  were  very  popular  at  Salt  Lake, 
and  always  well  attended.  On  one  occasion  I  in 
cautiously  gave  a  family  ticket  to  a  certain  Elder. 
That  night  my  house  was  crowded  to  overflowing. 
It  was  entirely  filled  with  the  Elder's  family.  There 
was  not  room  for  a  single  paying  visitor  to  come  in. 
The  next  day  they  called  to  say  they  were  very 
much  pleased,  and  gave  me  their  photograph  in  a 
very  pretty  pocket-case,  something  like  a  wallet 
Subsequently  it  was  taken  out  of  my  pocket  by  a 
young  man  on  Broadway,  but  I  detected  him  in  the 
act  and  seized  him  by  the  collar.  He  at  once 
acknowledged  the  deed,  but  said  he  did  it  in  the 
name  of  the  Confederate  government  in  retaliation 
for  outrages  committed  by  our  troops  in  the  She- 
nandoah  Valley." 

Here  the  lecture  ended.  It  generally  received 
nearly  as  much  applause  as  that  of  the  great  origi 
nal,  for  my  friend  had  studied  Ward's  peculiar  man 
ner  and  quaint  enunciation  till  he  had  got  it  to  a 
nicety. 


CHAPTER   XV. 


THIS  chapter  we  shall  devote  exclusively  to  a 
little  play,  written  expressly  for  parlor  performance. 
The  characters  are  so  few,  and  the  materials — in 
the  way  of  dress  and  scenery — so  simple,  that  it  can 
be  easily  gotten  up  in  any  household.  In  the  full- 
page  picture  you  will  see  our  idea  of  the  "  make 
up  "  of  the  Artist,  but  as  Mr.  Bullywingle  does  not 
come  out  so  well  on  so  small  a  scale,  we  annex  a 
picture  of  his  head  and  shoulders  as  a  guide  to  the 
reader.  We  feel  disposed,  however,  to  allow  the 
largest  latitude  to  the  performers  as  to  make-up. 
They  can  modify  the  dress  of  the  characters  accord 
ing  to  circumstances.  Another  reason  we  have  for 
giving  the  portrait  of  Mr.  Bullywingle  is,  that  a 
large  copy  of  it  is  required  in  the  performance  of  the 
piece.  In  copying  this  it  is  no  matter  how  ludi 
crously  inaccurate  your  performance  is,  provided 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  165 

you  make  the  face  fiery  red,  the  hair  white,  and 
the  spe6lacles  green.  Indeed,  the  worse  the  pic 
ture  the  funnier  the  effect. 


Mr.  Bullywingle. — Hat — white,  with  black  band. 
Face  very  red,  culminating  in  a  bright  crimson  on 
the  nose.  The  face  should  be  colored  with  ver 
milion,  which  can  be  procured  in  a  powdered  state 
at  any  color  store.  If  you  get  it  in  this  state  mix 
it  with  water,  to  which  add  a  very  small  quantity 
of  gum  or  glue.  The  best  plan,  however,  is,  if  con 
venient,  to  purchase  a  cake  of  vermilion  such  as  is 
used  for  water-colors. 

Hair,  eyebrows,  and  moustache  must  be  very 
white.  The  hair  and  moustache  can  be  made  white 


166  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

by  dressing  with  plenty  of  pomatum,  and  then 
sprinkling  them  liberally  with  flour  from  the  flour 
dredger.  The  imperial  and  eyebrows  should  be 
painted  on  the  face  with  flake-white.  Procure  two 
ounces  of  flake-white  (in  powder)  in  any  paint  store  ; 
mix  it  carefully  with  water  till  it  is  about  as  thick 
as  molasses.  A  small  piece  of  glue,  about  the 
weight  of  two  beans,  should  be  dissolved  in  the 
water  before  it  is  added  to  the  flake-white. 

Spectacles — green,  which  you  can  either  borrow 
from  a  friend,  buy  at  a  store,  or  steal  anywhere. 
If,  however,  you  are  too  proud  to  steal,  and  you  can 
not  get  the  specs  any  other  way,  you  may  cut  them 
out  of  card-board  and  paint  the  proper  color.  As 
Mr.  Bullywingle  wears  his  specs  on  the  end  of  his 
nose,  never  using  them  to  look  through,  it  is  of 
little  consequence  whether  they  be  transparent  or 
not. 

Cravat — large  and  white. 

Shirt  collar— large  ;  can  be  cut  out  of  writing- 
paper. 

Coat — blue,  with  gilt  buttons. 

Vest  and  pants — light ;  the  latter  short  in  the 
legs. 

Shoes — low. 

Mr.  Putty  blow  (the  artist). — Nose  red  ;  eyebrows 
black,  and  painted  above  the  natural  eyebrows. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  167 

This  gives  the  eyebrows  a  continued  elevated  ap 
pearance,  which  is  very  comical  in  effect. 

The  moustache  and  beard  can  either  be  painted 
with  burnt  cork  or  India-ink,  or,  which  is  far  better, 
made  out  of  curled  hair  and  a  little  diachylon,  as 
described  in  a  previous  chapter.  If  you  wish  to 
make  the  character  very  comic,  you  can  turn  up 
the  nose  with  a  piece  of  thread  and  stick  a  patch 
of  court-plaster  over  one  of  your  teeth,  all  of  which 
has  been  described  in  earlier  chapters. 

Cap — something  fancy,  of  bright  color  if  possible. 

Coat — anything  comical  and  shabby.  The  young 
man  is  poor. 

Pants — short  in  the  legs. 

Miss  MacSlasher  must  be  attired  in  walking  cos 
tume,  and  make  herself  look  as  elegant  and  pretty 
as  possible.  Or  in  case  the  ladies  won't  act,  or  you 
happen  to  be  out  of  pretty  girls,  you  can  get  Miss 
MacSlasher  up  as  an  old  lady,  and  make  her  look 
as  comical  as  you  can.  You  see  our  play  is  on  a 
compensating,  self-adjusting  principle.  Now  we 
will  give  you  a  list  of  all  the  things  you  will  re 
quire  in  the  way  of  "  properties,"  as  they  are  called 
in  stage  parlance.  Before  doing  so,  however,  we 
must  impress  upon  you  the  necessity  of  having  a 
stage  manager,  otherwise  you  will  surely  get  into  a 
state  of  confusion  and  spoil  the  play.  It  is  the 


1 68  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

duty  of  the  stage-manager  to  colle6l  the  properties 
together  and  see  that  they  are  all  in  their  right 
places.  He  will  arrange  the  stage,  and,  if  desirable, 
act  as  prompter. 

Vermilion — To  be  procured  at  a  paint  store. 

Flake-white  and  green  paint — paint  store. 

Card-board  for  imitation  spectacles,  and  glue — 
paint  store. 

Three  or  four  camel's-hair  pencils — paint  store. 

India-ink  or  burnt  cork. 

Pomatum,  butter  or  lard  for  hair. 

Ten  cents'  worth  of  diachylon  (in  lump  form,  not 
plaster — remember  this  ;  also  remember  that  the 
diachylon  must  be  warmed  before  the  fire  to  make 
it  stick),  which  can  be  had  at  any  drug  store. 

Flour  for  hair  can  be  procured  from  the  kitchen, 
if  the  barrel  ain't  gin'  out. 

Green  spectacles. 

White  cravat  and  large  shirt-collar. 

Blue  or  green  coat,  with  bright  buttons. 

Vest  and  pantaloons,  light  in  color. 

Small  piece  of  court-plaster  or  black  silk,  foi 
tooth. 

Curled  hair  from  stuffing  of  mattresses. 

Cap  for  artist,  of  bright  color. 

Coat  for  artist. 

Pants  for  ditto,  legs  short. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  169 

Slippers  for  ditto. 

Large  portrait  of  Mr.  Bullywingle. 

Easel  or  stand  for  portrait. 

Palette  (the  palette  should  be  cut  out  of  paste 
board,  the  cover  of  a  large  book,  or  something  of 
that  kind — a  wooden  palette  would  break  when  sat 
upon)  ;  a  maul-stick  and  brushes,  pictures,  casts, 
etc.,  to  give  the  artist's  studio  an  artistic  ap 
pearance. 

Stale  hard  loaf  of  bread. 

Knife — palette  knife  if  possible. 

Tray  with  two  cups. 

Tea-pot  containing  very  weak  tea. 

Plates,  butter,  and  pieces  of  crockery,  to  make  a 
clatter. 

Sheets,  comfortable,  shawls,  or  Turkey-red,  to 
make  proscenium  and  drop-curtain. 

Several  sheets  of  tissue-paper,  red  and  blue,  to 
ornament  proscenium. 

Lamps  to  light  the  stage. 

Deeds  and  legal  documents  for  Mr.  Bullywingle. 

Umbrella  for  Mrs.  Bullywingle. 

White  hat  with  black  band. 

Towels,  or  rags,  to  cover  and  conceal  artist's 
breakfast  on  a  chair. 

Slice  of  bread  prepared  with  diachylon  or  hooked 
pins  to  stick  to  Mr.  Bullywingle's  coat-tail. 


I/O  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

BULLYWINGLE  THE   BELOVED; 

A   DRAMA    IN   ONE   ACT. 

Dramatis  Persona. 

Mr.  Puttyblow,  an  artist. 

Mr.  Bullywingle,  a  bachelor  who  is  beloved  by 
women,  or  thinks  himself  so. 
Miss  MacSlasher. 

SCENE. — An  artist's  studio. 

Curtain  rises,  or  is  pulled  down,  and  discovers 
Mr.  Puttyblow  seated  at  an  easel  opposite  a  picture 
which  is  so  placed  that  the  audience  cannot  see  the 
face  of  it. 

Mr.  Puttyblow  (yawning).  Oh — on — on — awe- — 
awe — oo — oo  !  Oh,  thunder  !  Oh,  pickled  thun 
der,  turnip-tops,  trust,  tick,  and  tomatoes !  I  wish 
to  goodness,  goose-pies,  and  the  goddess  of  fame, 
some  one  would  give  me  a  commission  to  paint 
a  picture — one  thousand  dollars — half  cash  in 
advance,  and  the  balance  on  completion  of 
the  work — some  grand  heroic  subject,  which  would 
send  my  name  and  fame  resounding  through 
the  nations  of  the  earth  like  the  mighty  ava 
lanche  of  the  Alps,  till  the  human  race  with  one 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  I?I 

voice    should    stand    back    and    exclaim — "  That's 
him ! " 

Now,  I  think  I  could  paint  a  picture  of  Washing 
ton  Crossing  the  Delaware  in  a  style  of  art  equally 
creditable  to  my  feelings  as  an  artist  and  an  Ameri 
can  citizen.  I'd  make  Washington — yes — I  would 
not  make  him  as  they  generally  do,  in  a  great,  big, 
comfortable  boat,  with  a  new  suit  of  clothes,  look 
ing  up  to  heaven,  while  a  lot  of  other  fellows  are 
shoving  the  boat  through  lumps  of  ice  with  hooks 
and  pikes,  and  things  of  that  kind.  No  !  I'd  make 
him  swimming  across,  with  the  stars  and  stripes 
between  his  teeth  and  a  horse-pistol  of  the  period 
behind  each  ear.  That's  what^  should  call  some 
thing  like  a  picture.  But  all  this  is  vain ;  instead 
of  painting  big  pictures,  and  building  my  palatial 
villa  on  the  Hudson,  I  am  stuck  and  starved  in  this 
miserable  chamber — a  poor  artist  with  scarcely 
anything  to  feed  upon  but  tobacco-smoke  and  my 
own  ideas.  Talking  about  feed  reminds  me  that  I 
have  had  no  breakfast  yet.  Now  breakfast  is  one 
of  those  ideas  about  which  I  have  my  own  ideas — 
namely,  to  wit :  that  you  can't  continually  do  with- 
*out  it — that's  to  say,  not  as  a  steady  thing.  It  grows 
monotonous  after  a  time.  That  tea  has  been  stand 
ing  three-quarters  of  an  hour,  and  ought  to  be  now 
fit  for  human  nourishment  (pours  out  tea,  which  is 


1 72  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

quite  colorless).  Rather  weak — I  may  even  go  so 
far  as  to  say  exceedingly  weak.  It  is  like  Han 
cock's  veterans,  will  stand  any  amount  of  fire  for 
any  length  of  time  without  changing  color.  But 
you  are  very  weak,  poor  tea ;  like  women,  let  us 
respect  your  weakness.  The  butter  is  strong 
enough  to  take  care  of  you  (smells  butter).  I  won 
der  whether  this  butter  is  not  manufactured  near 
Forty-second  street,  N.  Y.  It  strikes  me  I  have 
smelt  something  very  like  it  near  the  soap  factory 
on  the  Hudson  River  Railroad.  Where's  the  knife 
(takes  knife  and  loaf)  ?  Ah  !  here  it  is  (tries  to  cut 
loaf,  which  resists  all  his  efforts).  This  loaf  is  be 
ginning  to  get  slightly  obstinate.  Most  extraordi 
nary  thing  how  hard  a  loaf  becomes  after  you  have 
kept  it  for  a  week  or  two.  However,  I  ain't  the 
kind  of  man  to  let  any  darned  baker's  bread — ever 
baked — get  the  best  of  me.  No !  (Takes  up 

hatchet  at  one  side,  places  bread  on  floor,  and  be- 

/ 

gins  chopping  it.  Cuts  off  a  piece  which  he  butters, 
and  lays  upon  a  chair.)  Now,  Puttyblow,  my  boy  ; 
you  shall  have  bread  and  chops  for  breakfast. 
C-h-e-o-p-s — chops !  Chops  with  a  large  C.  (A 
loud  knocking  is  heard  at  the  door.)  Oh,  thunder  ! 
there's  some  one  at  the  door — it  will  never  do  to 
let  them  see  these  things  around  (piles  up  cups 
and  saucers  on  tray  and  covers  them  with  towels. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  1/3 

He  leaves  the  slice  of  bread  and  butter,  however,  on 
the  chair).  It  doesn't  look  prosperous  ;  and  no 
body  ever  thinks  anything  of  any  one  who  isn't 
prosperous.  (Seats  himself  at  easel,  and  pretends 
to  be  busy  painting.)  Come  in  ! 

Enter  Mr.  Bullywingle. 

Mr.  B.  Ha  !  I've  found  a  refuge  at  last,  thank 
goodness !  I'm  all  in  a  flutter — she  nearly  caught 
me.  It  was  a  dooced  close  shave.  Here  am  I  tor 
mented  to  death  by  women  who  will  insist  upon 
marrying  me.  Ton  my  soul  it  is  rather  too  bad  that 
a  man,  because  he  is  rather  nice-looking  and  has  a 
little  money  saved  up,  cannot  leave  his  house  with 
out  being  pursued  by  all  the  women  in  creation 
wanting  to  marry  him.  I  don't  want  to  marry  them. 
I  don't  see  any  particular  fun  in  dividing  all  my  pro 
perty,  my  time,  my  comfort,  my  amusement,  with 
another  individual,  besides  giving  that  individual 
the  life-long  privilege  of — the  life-long  right  to  dic 
tate  the  temperature  of  the  apartment  in  which  I 
sit,  the  amount  of  light  which  shall  illuminate  my 
chamber ;  who  shall  be  my  associates ;  where  I 
shall  live  ;  what  I  shall  eat  ;  what  I  shall  drink — 
there's  the  rub !  actually  putting  the  power  into  the 
hands  of  a  mortal  like  yourself  to  come  between 
you  and  your  social  tod.  Oh,  it's  horrible  to  think 


1/4  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

of!  Marriage  is  a  humbug.  I  wouldn't  marry  the 
Bearded  Lady  herself.  But  I  wonder  what  kind  of 
an  office  this  is  I've  rushed  into — not  a  lawyer's  ; 
no — doesn't  smell  of  Russia  leather.  Not  a  Govern 
ment  office ;  no — don't  smell  any  whiskey.  Not 
p-e-t — yes,  r-o — 1-e-u-m  ;  there's  certainly  a  smell 
of  oil  around.  Ah,  oh — yes,  I  see  ;  it's  some  kind 
of  a  paint  shop.  I  must  trump  up  some  business 
with  the  proprietor  as  an  excuse  for  coming  in. 
Wonder,  by  the  way,  whether  there's  anybody 
about,  after  all  ?  Ah  !  yes,  to  be  sure  ;  bless  my 
soul,  there  he  is.  (Takes  a  step  towards  artist,  and 
coughs.  Artist  pretends  to  be  deeply  engaged  in 
his  art,  and  does  not  hear  him.)  Ahem !  ahem ! 
wonder  whether  the  poor  creature  is  deef  and  dumb. 
Ahem  !  ah,  excuse  me,  sir,  but — ah,  that  is  fine  day 
— ahem  !  good-morning,  sir. 

Artist.  Good-morning,  sir. 

Mr.  B.  You  are  a  painter,  are  you  not,  sir  ? 

Artist.  That  is  my  name — ah,  that  is  to  say,  that 
is  my  profession. 

Mr.  B.  I  want  you  to  paint  me  a  sign  for  my 
store. 

Attist.  A  what,  sir  ? 

Mr.  B.  A  sign.  Jothan  H.  Bullywingle,  whole 
sale 

Artist.  Wholesale  fiddlestick ! 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  17$ 


Mr.  B.  Wholesale  dealer  in- 


Artist.  Sir,  I  would  have  you  to  understand  that 
I  don't  paint  signs,  sir.  I  am  an  artist — historical 
and  portrait  delineator. 

Mr.  B.  Oh,  ah  !  yes,  exalcly  ;  that's  what  I  mean. 
I  want  you  to  paint  my  portrait — Jothan  H.  Bully- 
wingle,  wholesale — no,  exactly  as  you  were  saying, 
my  portrait.  (Aside) — By  Jove,  I — I'm  in  for  it. 

Artist.  Would  you  like  a  full  face  ? 

M.  B.  (thoughtfully).  Why,  pretty  full. 

Artist.  Or  a  side  face  ? 

Mr.  B.  Oh,  yes — a  side  face. 

Artist.  Or  a  three-quarter  face  ? 

Mr.  B.  Yes,  a  three-quarter  face.  Yes,  she  was 
a  blue  one,  I  think,  this  last  one. 

Artist  (prepares  seat).  Will  you  take  a  seat,  Mr. 
Bully— Bully 

Mr.  B.  Wingle. 

Artist.  Will  you  take  a  seat,  Mr.  Wingle  ? 

Mr.  B.  Bully,  sir. 

Artist.  Take  a  seat,  Mr.  Winglebully. 

Mr.  B.  Yes,  yes,  certainly.  (Aside — I'm  regu 
larly  stuck  for  a  portrait.)  Certainly,  sir ;  though 
you  haven't  got  my  name  exactly  right — not  quite 
correct,  my  young  friend.  My  name  is  Bullywin- 
gle.  (Aside — The  first  one  was  purple  and  dia 
monds.) 


1 76  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

[Mr.  B.  seats  himself  at  opposite  side  of  stage  to 
artist,  who  sits  down  and  prepares  to  paint.] 

Artist.  Will  you  smile,  sir  ? 

Mr.  B.  (aside.)  Really,  a  very  polite  young  man. 
Thank  you,  I  don't  mind  if  I  do — the  least  drop  in 
the  world  ;  Bourbon,  or  anything  that's  handy. 

Artist.  I  mean,  sir,  will  you  be  pleased  to  smile 
with  your  mouth  ? 

Mr.  B.  (aside.)  With  my  mouth  ?  Of  course, 
with  my  mouth.  Does  the  young  man  fancy  that  I 
propose  to  drink  through  my  nose,  like  an  ele 
phant  ?  (Aloud.)  Oh,  yes,  I'll  smile  with  my 
mouth,  of  course. 

Artist.  I  perceive  you  do  not  understand  me,  sir. 
I  allude  to  the  expression. 

Mr.  B.  Oh !  I'm  perfectly  familiar  with  the  ex 
pression — perfectly  familiar  with  the  expression. 

Artist.  Mr.  Winglebully,  I  wish  you  to  assume 
an  agreeable  expression  of  countenance  in  order 
that  I  may  transfer  your  beautiful  features  to  my 
canvas  in  a  manner  satisfactory  to  yourself,  myself, 
and  mankind  generally. 

M.  B.  Oh,  ah  !  yes,  certainly — exactly — to  be 
sure — bless  my  soul — yes.  (Mr.  B.  grins  in  an  ex 
aggerated  manner). 

Artist.  Ah — yes  ;  that's  it — that's  it — just  so. 
A  little  to  the  left.  I'm  afraid — keep  your  head  up 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

— I  cannot  give  you  a  very  long  sitting  to-day — I'm 
so  crowded  with  sitters.  (Mr.  B.  forgets  that  he  is 
sitting  for  his  portrait  and  begins  to  look  very 
melancholy  and  miserable.)  I  am  obliged  to — 
smile,  if  you  please.  (Mr.  B.  starts  and  resumes 
his  exaggerated  grin.)  I'm  obliged  to  fix  certain 
days  and  hours  to  receive  my  friends  and  patrons, 
otherwise  they — will  you  smile,  if  you  please  ? — 
otherwise  they  would  not  leave  me  a — will  you 
smile,  if  you  please,  sir  ?  Look  at  me  and  think 
of  something  pleasant.  Think  of  a  lady  (Mr.  B. 
looks  miserable  and  frightened).  (Aside  —  He 
doesn't  look  as  if  he  were  thinking  of  a  lady,  does 
he  ?)  Think  of  something  pleasant,  now — some 
thing  pleasing.  Think  of  Hash  (Mr.  B.  brightens 
up).  Yes,  hash.  Keep  on  thinking  of  hash,  hash, 
hash  !  Good  gracious  !  will  you  smile,  sir  ?  Hash 
— hash — hash  !  Keep  smiling — hash — that's  it ; 
hash !  There,  sir,  will  you  be  kind  enough  to  look 
at  that  ?  You  are  a  little  rough  and  raw  (Mr.  B. 
starts),  but,  of  course,  I  have  only  rubbed  you  in. 
You  will  come  out  better  at  the  second  painting. 

Mr.  B.  (rising  and  advancing  towards  the  pic 
ture).  Oh,  yes — yes,  very  good.  The  shirt-collar 
and  the  cravat  are  extremely  like ;  but  don't  you 
think  you  might  alter  the  rest  ? 

Artist.    Well — ah — umph  !       I    don't    know.      I 


178  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

think  I  have  hit  your  eye  exactly.  (Mr.  B.  starts 
slightly.)  The  hair  is  very  fair,  and  I've  got  hold 
of  your  nose  very  satisfactorily.  (Mr.  B.  rubs  his 
nose.)  The  mouth  might  look  all  the  better,  per 
haps,  for  a  little  madder,  but 

Mr.  B.  Oh,  dear,  no,  it's  quite  mad  enough.  I 
don't  wish  to  have  a  severe  expression  of  counte 
nance. 

Artist.  I  refer  to  the  color — the  pigment. 

Mr.  B.  The  color  the  pig  meant.  The  pig — the 
pig.  I  meant  what  I  said,  sir  ;  and  if  you  think  to 
call  me  a  pig  with  impunity  you  are  very  much  mis 
taken. 

Artist.  Oh,  no — no — no,  my  dear  sir ;  you  mis 
take  me.  We  artists  use  a  beautiful  pink  color 
called  madder,  and  I  spoke  of  this  as  a  pigment — 
no  offence,  not  for  the  world.  But  allow  me  to 
place  the  picture  in  a  better  light ;  you  can  hardly 
judge  of 'it  in  its  present  position.  (Turns  easel 
and  picture  round  facing  the  audience.)  (Aside.) — 
Now  won't  he  be  an  unreasonable  old  polypus  to 
object  to  that  as  a  likeness  ?  (Aloud.) — There,  sir, 
now  you  can  see  it  better.  (They  both  sit  down  in 
chairs,  the  artist  on  his  own  palette  and  Mr.  B.  on 
the  slice  of  bread  and  butter  left  by  the  artist.) 

Artist.  Now,  sir,  I  think  I  have  caught  the  ex 
pression  of  your  eyes  and  spectacles  ;  and  as  for 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  179 

the  nose,  it  literally  speaks,  while    the  chin  and 
mouth 

Mr.  B.  Yes — yes,  but  I  don't  think  you  have 
stuck  quite  closely  enough  to  nature.  There  is 
nothing  like  sticking  to  a  thing.  (Rises  and  moves 
towards  picture,  showing  slice  of  bread  sticking  to 
his  coat-tails.  Advances  and  examines  picture 
critically.) 

Artist.  I  declare,  if  the  idiotic  old  grampus  has 
not  been  sitting  down  on  my  bread  and  butter.  It 
is  most  extraordinary  that  some  people  will  never 
look  where  they  sit  down.  (Rises  to  remove  bread 
and  butter,  and  shows  palette  sticking  to  his  dress 
ing-gown  behind.)  The  carelessness  of  some  peo 
ple  is  marvellous — really  astonishing. 

Mr.  B.  The  shirt-collar  is  certainly  very  like  ; 
but  don't  you  think  the  complexion  is  a  little  high  ? 
because  I  am  really  rather  pale,  you  know. 

Artist  (making  futile  endeavors  to  remove  the 
bread  and  butter  with  one  hand).  Ah,  yes,  perhaps 
that  might  be  toned  down  a  little.  (Aside.)  I'll 
whitewash  the  old  brute  if  he  likes.  (Aloud,)  If 
you  will  be  kind  enough  to  take  a  seat  for  two 
minutes  I  will  try  to  avail  myself  of  your  valuable 
suggestion  (looks  around  for  his  palette).  Now, 
where  on  earth  can  be  my  palette  ?  (Looks  suspi 
ciously  at  old  Mr.  B.)  He  can't  have  been  sitting 


l8o  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

down  on  that  too — and  yet  I  do  believe  he's  stupid 
enough  for  anything.  (Looks  for  palette  again.) 
No.  (At  this  moment  Mr.  B.  sits  down  on  the 
chair  where  Mr.  P.  has  concealed  his  breakfast,  and 
everything  goes  with  a  crash.) 

Artist.  There  goes  that  old  porpoise  again  !  All 
my  breakfast  gone — my  beautiful  tea  and  my  ele 
gant  bread  and  butter.  (To  Mr.  B.,  who  apolo 
gizes.)  Ah,  never  mind,  sir — no  consequence  ; 
only  a  few  paint  saucers,  that's  all.  No  conse 
quence  ;  take  a  seat  over  here.  (Seats  old  gent  in 
the  chair  which  Mr.  B.  first  occupied,  and  which 
artist  has  since  used.)  But  my  palette — where  can 

it  have  gone  ?  Where's  that  d d  palette  ?  Let 

me  see  ;  I  think  I  laid  it  on  that  chair.  Will  you 
kindly  rise  for  one  moment,  Mr.  Winglebully  ? 
(Looks  at  Mr.  B.'s  back.)  No  !  strange — let  me 
see — oh  !  ah  !  yes — I — he  sat  over  there.  (A 
thought  seems  to  have  struck  him.  He  begins  to 
feel  behind  his  own  coat,  where  he  finds  the  palette. 
Produces  it — his  own  fingers  covered  with  paint.) 
There  it  is — I  knew  I'd  put  it  somewhere.  (Here 
a  knocking  is  heard  at  the  door.  Mr.  B.  jumps  up 
and  grasps  the  artist  by  the  hand,  getting  his  own 
covered  with  paint  in  the  operation.) 

Mr.  B.  Here  she  is  !  For  heaven's  sake,  conceal 
me ! 


THE  DRAMA  OF  "  BULLYWINGLE."—  See 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  l8l 

Artist.  Here  is  who  ? 

Mr.  B.  The  blue  woman. 

Artist.  The  blue  woman  ? 

Mr.  B.  Yes — they  pursue  me  wherever  I  go. 
It's  a  blue  woman  now.  Yesterday  it  was  a  red 
woman.  Oh,  all  sorts  of  women — black  women — 
green  women — white  women — for  pity's  sake,  con 
ceal  me  !  They'd  make  a  Mormon  or  polygamist 
of  me.  (Wipes  his  painted  fingers  over  his  face.) 
Oh,  my  dear  sir,  you  would  not  have  me  commit 
trigamy — you  would  not — but  hide  me  somewhere 
— hide  me ! 

Artist.  Here — here,  behind  the  curtain. 

Lady  enters. 

Lady.  Is  there  a  gentleman  here  ? 

Artist.  Em — ah  !  gentleman  ?  no — no  ;  that  is 
to  say,  not  exactly. 

Lady.  This  is  an  artist's  studio,  is  it  not  ? 

Artist.  Yes,  madam  ;  this  is  an  artist's  studio. 

Lady.  There  is  no  other  studio  in  this  build 
ing? 

Artist.  This  is  the  only  studio  in  this  building. 
Will  you  take  a  seat,  madam  ? 

Lady.  I  was  to  meet  an  elderly  gentleman  here 
— my  father — who  was  going  to  have  his  portrait 
taken. 


1 82  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

Mr.  B.  (aside.)  Her  father — that's  a  deep  dodge. 
Pretends  to  be  after  her  father,  the  artful  thing. 

Artist.  Yes,  madam. 

Lady.  He  should  have  been  here  some  time 
ago — that  is  to  say,  if  I  have  come  to  the  right 
place. 

Artist.  Ah,  yes  ;  this  is  the  right  place.  (Aside.) 
Hooray  !  here's  another  job. 

Mr.  B.  (aside.)  Send  her  away !  send  her  away  ! 
Ah,  you  villain,  are  you  going  to  betray  me  ? 

Lady.  You  seem  to  have  a  great  many  pretty 
pictures  here. 

Artist.  Ah — oh — well,  a  few  little  trifles.  Are 
you  fond  of  art  ? 

Lady.  Oh,  yes — very. 

Artist.  I  shall  be  happy  to  show  you  some  of  my 
sketches.  If  you  will  excuse  me  for  a  moment,  I 
will  bring  them  from  the  other  room. 

Lady.  Certainly.  It  will  give  me  great  pleasure 
to  look  at  anything  in  the  shape  of  pictures.  I 
once  studied  Poonah  Painting  and  Potichomanie  my 
self  ;  and  mamma's  uncle,  who  was  a  great  artist, 
and  used  to  draw  things  with  a  red-hot  poker,  said 
he  couldn't  tell  my  pictures  from  life,  almost — only 
I  could  never  learn  to  do  trees.  Don't  you  find 
trees  very  difficult  ?  Mamma's  uncle  used  to  say 
the  only  fault  with  my  trees  was  that  they  looked 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  183 

like  cabbages.     I  can  paint  cabbages  very  well ;  but 
then  they  don't  look  pretty  in  a  picture,  you  know. 

Artist.  Indeed,  I  doubt  not  your  delicate  hand 
would  lend  a  charm  to  any  object  it  might  portray. 
Nature  is  full  of  beauties,  and  there  is  a  world  of 
loveliness  even  in  a  cabbage. 

Mr.  B.  (aside.)  In  a  cabbage-head. 

Artist.  But  I  will  bring  you  my  portfolio — a  few 
unworthy  sketches  which  may  serve  to  while  away 
the  moments  till  the  arrival  of  your  estimable 
father.  [Exit. 

Mr.  B.  (aside,)  Good  heaven  !  He  is  going  to 
keep  me  here  all  day  while  he  makes  a  fool  of  him 
self  to  that  young  woman.  This  will  never  do  !  I 
must  escape.  I  must  throw  myself  on  her  mercy. 
She  has  an  awful  vicious  expression  of  countenance, 
though.  However,  she  must  have  the  heart  of  a 
woman.  Perhaps  she  •  has  a  brother ;  and  how 
would  she  like  to  have  him  married  against  his  will 
by  fifteen  women  in  blue  ?  I  will — yes,  I  will 
throw  myself  on  her  mercy.  I  will  implore  her  to 
spare  me.  Poor  thing  !  I  shall  be  sorry  to  break  her 

heart — but   it    must    be    done. Courage,  Bully- 

wingle — courage  !      (Rushes  out  and  throws  him 
self  at  her  feet.)     My  good  young  woman,  spare 
me  !     Think  of  your  own  brother,  and  spare  me  ! 
[Lady  screams  and  rushes  off. 


1 84  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

I  cannot  marry  you  all.  If  I  did  marry  you  I 
should  make  the  red  lady  miserable  for  life,  and 
the  green  lady  would  die  of  jealousy,  and  the  yel 
low  lady  might  commit  suicide. 

Enter  Artist,  with  portfolio,  which  falls  on  the  floor. 

Artist.  You  venerable  reptile,  what  are  you 
about !  What  do  you  mean,  sir  ?  Get  up,  sir ! 
I'll  knock  you  down,  sir  !  You've  driven  away  one 
of  my  best  customers.  (They  scuffle.) 

Mr.  B.  But  my  dear  sir — my  good  young  friend, 
what  was  I  to  do  ?  Hear  me — listen — leave  go — 
you'll  tear  my  coat — let  go,  or  she'll  be  back,  and 
then  I'm  lost !  Do  you  hear,  you  rascal !  You'll 
tear  my  coat — there  go  my  suspenders — there  goes 
something  else !  I'll  have  you  arrested  for  intent 
to  do  grievous  bodily  battery  and  commit  violent 
matrimony — let  go  ! 

Artist.  You  old  rascal — you  old  polypus — you  old 
humbug — you  are  ruining  me  !  (Rushes  to  one 
side  and  returns  with  club  or  stick.  A  fight  en 
sues.  Old  gent  strikes  an  attitude  with  umbrella.) 

Mr.  B.  Come  on,  Mac  what's  your  name !  and 
damned  be  he  who  first  cries  hold — enough ! 

Artist  (aside).  I'll  be  hanged  if  the  old  buffer 
ain't  swearing  !  (Aloud.)  By  all  the  powers  I'll  be 
revenged!  As  sure  as  my  name  is  Puttyblow  I 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  185 

will  be  re-ve-n-ged  !  (Is  about  to  rush  at  old 
gent.) 

Mr,  B.  Pause,  rash  man !  Did  you  say  Putty- 
blow  ? 

Artist.  I  did. 

Mr.  B.  Have  you  a  strawberry  mark  on  your  left 
arm  ? 

Artist.  Nature  has  ornamented  me  in  the  man 
ner  you  describe. 

Mr.  B.  Are  you  short-sighted  in  your  left  eye  ? 

Artist.  Such  is  my  affliction. 

Mr.  B.  Do  you  snore  at  nights  ? 

Artist.  So  I  have  been  informed  by  the  people 
over  the  way,  who  have  sent  over  several  times  to 
expostulate  with  me  in  the  most  offensive  terms 
possible. 

Mr.  B.  And  sleep  late  in  the  morning  ? 

Artist.  I  do. 

Mr.  B.  (rushing  forward.)  My  long-lost  son  ! 

Artist.  Excuse  me  for  one  moment.  Have  you 
a  gooseberry  bush  on  your  left  arm  ? 

Mr.  B.  Gooseberry  ?     No — no — not  specially. 

Artist.  Do  you  wear  corns  or  paper  collars  ? 

Mr.  B.  Well,  I've  had  chilblains. 

Artist.  Are  you  subject  to  hydrophobia  ? 

Mr.  B.  Well,  not  precisely ;  but  I've  been  run 
over  by  a  Broadway  omnibus. 


186  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

Artist.  Are  you  in  the  habit  of  committing  sui 
cide  ? 

Mr.  B.  Well— I — I — don't  know— I  travel  on  the 
Hudson  River  Railroad  sometimes. 

Artist.  Come  to  my  arms,  my  long-lost  father ! 

[They  embrace. 

Mr.  B.  Bless  you,  my  boy — bless  you !  bless 
you ! 

Enter  Lady.      Artist   sees  her,  and    struggles  to 
escape  from  Mr.  B.'s  grasp. 

Artist.  Let  go — let  me  go — drat  it  all,  let  go. 

Mr.  B.  Bless  you,  my  boy — bless  you  ! 

Lady.  I  have  left  my  portemonnaie  in  your  studio 
— will  you  be  kind  enough  to  let  me  have  it  ? 

Mr.  B.  Young  woman,  spare  me  ! 

Lady  (to  Artist).  Pray  protect  me  from  this  vene 
rable  ruffian. 

Mr.  B.  (aside.)  Venerable  ruffian !  Come,  now, 
that  is  what  the  boys  call  rather  rough.  (Aloud.) 
Then  you  don't  love  me  ? 

Lady.  If  you  insult  me  further,  I  shall  inform  my 
father. 

Mr.  B.  Then  you  have  a  father  ? — wonderful ! 
Are  you  sure  of  it — no  deception  ?  What  is  his 
name  ?  Where  does  he  live  ?  Tell  me  quick — 
quick — do  not  deceive  me  ! 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  1 87 

Lady.  My  father,  sir,  is  General  Mac  Slasher,  who 
will  not  allow  his  daughter  to  be  insulted  with  im 
punity. 

Mr.  B.  MacSlasher!  The  brave  MacSlasher, 
who  married  my  half-cousin  Columbia  Ann,  of 
Pickleville,  Indiana  ? 

Lady.  Indeed,  it  is  true. 

Mr.  B.  Come  to  my  arms,  my  long-lost  niece  ! 
No,  not  niece ;  cousin — second  cousin — oh,  hang  the 
relationship  !  Come  to  my  arms,  any  way  !  But  hold 
— you  are  the  richest  heiress  in  New  York.  I  have  the 
deeds  in  my  pocket  to  prove  it.  By  the  will  of  your 
late  grandfather  Grampus  you  are  the  sole  possessor 
of  six  blocks  on  Broadway,  Trinity  Church,  Erie 
Railroad,  two  steamboats  on  the  Hudson  River  that 
won't  burst,  and  vast  territories  on  Coney  Island. 

Artist.  Good  gracious ! 

Mr.  B.  Happy  hour — auspicious  moment !  to 
have  thus  met  my  son  and  niece  on  the  same  day. 
Putty  blow,  my  son — no  longer  Putty  blow,  but  Bully- 
wingle — this  is  the  lady  I  have  destined  for  you  for 
ten  long  years,  if  I  could  only  have  found  you.  She 
is  rich  and  beautiful.  I  know  you  love  each  other  ; 
and  if  you  don't,  make  believe  you  do,  or  you'll 
spoil  the  play.  Bully wingle,  junior,  embrace  your 
bride  !  Take  her  and  be  happy  !  Bless  you,  my 
children — bless  you  ! 


1 88  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

Grand  tableau.  Mr.  Puttyblow  and  Miss  Mac- 
Slasher  embrace.  Mr.  Bullywingle  opens  his 
umbrella,  and,  standing  on  one  leg,  holds  it  over 
them. 


CHAPTER   XVI. 


IT  may  be  remembered  that  in  a  recent  chapter 
we  mentioned  being  in  a  tranquil  mood,  and,  while 
in  that  condition,  calling  on  our  friend  Nix,  and 
further,  that  Nix  introduced  us  that  same  evening 
to  some  ladies  with  brown  eyes. 

Since  that  event  the  tranquil  moods  have  come 
over  us  periodically,  with  rapidly  increasing  viru 
lence.  So  much  so  that  latterly  we  have  found  it 
desirable  to  dispense  with  the  cumbrous  ceremony 
of  going  round  to  call  for  Nix.  The  fact  is  we  have 
taken  a  great  fancy  to  that  boy  Little  Pickle  ;  he  is 
certainly  a  very  fine  boy. 

It  occurs  to  us  at  this  moment  that  we  have  not 
yet  given  a  name  to  this  family.  Their  real  name 
is  one  of  those  which  recall  old  revolutionary  times 
directly  it  is  uttered.  One  of  those  names  which, 
to  ourself  at  least,  at  once  summons  up  a  picture  of 


190  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

marching  ranks  of  men  in  three-cornered  hats  and 
yellow  breeches,  toiling  forward  with  glistening 
muskets  over  their  shoulders,  past  rows  of  quaint 
gabled  houses.  We  cannot  give  the  real  name,  of 
course — that  is  out  of  the  question — so  we  will 
call  them  Adams,  because  that  is  not  their  name. 
Then  we  will  subdivide  them  as  follows :  Mrs. 
Adams,  Bud,  Blossom,  and  Berry.  We  christen 
them  thus  because  these  were  the  titles  they  re 
ceived  in  a  little  floral  and  pomological  game  we 
once  played. 

The  Adams  family  were  going  to  give  a  party. 
We  were  called  in  as  consulting  engineer,  to  sug 
gest  attractions.  We  readily  accepted  the  office. 
The  reader  knows  our  system  and  will  easily  guess 
our  first  order.  Objects  to  provoke  conversation  ! 

Pig  made  out  of  lemon.  Good !  The  pig  was 
made  and  applauded. 

"But,"  suggested  Bud,  "why  confine  ourselves 
to  a  pig  ;  surely  we  can  make  something  else." 

"  Surely,"  we  assented.  So  all  of  us  set  our  wits 
to  work  at  zoology. 

Bud  made  the  first  discovery.  "  Oh ! "  she  ex 
claimed,  "I  have  found  out  something  beautiful — 
a  whole  litter  of  little  pigs  to  go  with  the  lemon  ! " 

And,  indeed,  'twas  true.  In  a  few  seconds  she 
had  some  almonds  soaking  in  a  cup  of  boiling 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


191 


water.  In  a  few  seconds  more  she  was  peeling  off 
their  brown  jackets,  revealing  the  smooth  white 
nut,  as  white  as  the  tips  of  her  own  taper  fingers. 
The  almonds  were  soon  converted  into  sucking- 
pigs,  and  were  admitted  on  all  hands  to  look  quite 
cunning,  and  as  natural  as  nature,  with  their  lit 
tle  white  bod 
ies  grouped 
round  the 
maternal  lem 
on — some  running,  some  standing,  and  some  seated 
on  their  haunches. 

We  need  not  explain  to  the  gifted  reader  the 
modus  operandi.  It  is  much  the  same  as  with  the 
lemon,  only  the  eyes  are  dotted  with  a  black  lead 
pencil  and  the 
ears  are  made 
from  small 
slips  of  wood. 

Stimulated 
by  the  success 
of  Bud,  Blos 
som  dived 
down  into  the 

depths  of  her  imagination,  and  fished  out  a  goat. 
The  goat  was  unquestionably  a  triumph.  The 
body  consisted  of  a  pear,  the  head  of  an  unbleached 


192 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


almond,    the     legs,    horns,    and    beard    of    raisin 
stalks. 

On  the  same  principle,  and  with  wonderful 
celerity,  Berry  took  up  the  idea,  gracefully  ac 
knowledged  her  indebtedness  to  the  original  in 
ventor,  and  produced  a  deer — a  deer  with  wide- 
spreading  antlers  made  of  raisin  stalks, 
and  legs  of  the  same  material,  which 
counterfeited  nature  even  to  the  knee- 
joints.  The  neck  cost  some  little  men 
tal  exertion,  but  was  finally  triumphed 
over  in  the  following  shape,  neatly  cut  out  of  wood. 
The  deer  now  appeared  truly  a  monarch  of  the 

forest ;  a  little 
weak  i  n  the 
shoulders  per 
haps,  and  ra 
ther  full-chest 
ed  behind,  but 
still  a  noble 
animal. 

Not  to  be 
outdone  with 
her  own  idea, 
Blossom  wrestled  vigorously  with  her  subject,  and 
ere  we  had  ceased  admiring  the  deer,  had  very 
nearly  completed  a  sheep — a  sheep  so  fleecy  and 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


short  in  the  legs  that  it  was  at  once  voted  the 
greatest  triumph  of  all,  though  WE  personally 
and  privately 
thought,  and 
still  think, 
that,  for  true 
genius,  Bud's 
idea  of  the 
pigs  far  ex 
ceeded  any  of 
them.  The  white  almond  certainly  made  a  most 
admirable  sheep's  head,  but  then  apple,  of  which 
the  body  was  made,  grew  rapidly  rusty  when  once 
peeled — so  much  so  that  we  had  to  scrape  our 
sheep  once  or  twice  in  the  course  of  the  evening 
to  restore  its  fleeciness. 

Having  made  large  herds  of  deer,  flocks  of  goats 
and  sheep,  not  to  mention  litters  of  pigs,  we  dis 
posed  some  of  them  on  the  mantel-piece  and  what 
nots,  while  others  were  reserved  to  make  a  grand 
pastoral  scene  on  the  supper  table.  Having  fin 
ished  these,  we  devoted  our  energies  to  constructing 
scent-bags  and 
mice,  the  latter 
made  out  of  ap 
ple-seeds,  as  described  in  a  previous  chapter. 
Here  the  transcendent  genius  of  Bud  again  as- 

9 


IllllHUW— 


194  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

serted  itself— she  invented  a  rat ;  a  rat  made  out 
of  an  unbleached  almond.  When  grouped  with  the 
mice  and  flour-sacks  the  effect  was  truly  grand. 

What  now  ? 

"  What  shall  we  make  next  ? "  was  the  general 
inquiry. 

"  Oh,  can't  you  make  something  that  will  jump 
up  ?  "  eagerly  suggested  Little  Pickle,  who  had  kept 
pretty  quiet  during  our  zoological  researches. 

"  Can't  you  make  something  that  will  jump  up  ? " 
This  was  so  vague  that  we  were  fain  to  demand 
further  light. 

"  Oh,  you  know  at  our  school  one  of  the  boys 
made  a  kind  of  thing  with  a  bit  of  wax  that  jumped 
up  and  frightened  you." 

This  was  still  far  from  clear,  but  whatever  it 
might  be,  it  was  evidently  calculated  to  frighten 
somebody,  and  so  was  immediately  voted  down  by 
the  ladies. 

"  Oh,  make  that  gorilla  portrait,  you  know," 
again  entreated  Little  Pickle ;  "  that  makes  such 
fun." 

This  proposition,  though  received  coolly,  was, 
nevertheless,  discussed  at  some  length,  till  Blossom 
called  her  sister's  attention  to  the  fact  that  one  of 
their  invited  guests  would  be  a  certain  Dr.  O'Tang, 
who  really  did  resemble  a  gorilla,  and  should  the 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  1 95 

glass  fall  into  his  hands,  he  would  feel  hurt  at  the 
joke  ;  so  Little  Pickle's  second  proposition  was 
voted  down. 

We  now  felt  a  heavy  weight  of  responsibility 
hanging  on  our  shoulders.  Six  brown  eyes  were 
resting  upon  us,  each  as  deep  and  brown  as  a 
mountain  pool. 

"  Can  we  not  do  something  with  paper  ? "  sug 
gested  Bud,  her  exquisite  genius  again  coming  to 
our  aid.  This  suggestion  gave  us  the  cue. 

"  I  have  it,"  we  exclaimed ;  "  I  will  teach  you 
to  make  stained  glass.  To  be  sure,  it  is  only  a  va 
riation  of  your  own  beautiful  art  of  making  trans 
parencies  ;  still,  if  you  have  never  heard  of  the 
process,  it  may  afford  some  amusement,  and  help 
you  to  decorate  your  rooms." 

One  apartment  in  the  house  of  Adams  was  of 
the  kind  known  as  extension  room.  The  two  win 
dows  which  separated  this  apartment  from  the  back 
parlor  served  admirably  to  exhibit  the  new  art. 
The  object  of  the  process  is  to  produce  an  effect 
somewhat  similar  to  the  heraldic  painting  on  the 
casements  of  old  European  houses,  and  is  done 
^thus  : 

You  procure  several  sheets  of  tissue  paper  of 
various  colors,  a  pair  of  scissors,  and  some  fine 
boiled  paste.  You  fold  a  sheet  of  the  paper  twice, 


196  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

then  cut  out  of  the  folded  paper  a  form — say,,  for 
example,  like  the 
one  on  the  left : 
so  that  when 
the  sheet  is 
open  there  will 
be  two  pieces 
like  the  one  on 
the  right. 

Paste  one  of 
these  in  the  centre  of  the  window-pane  you  wish  to 
decorate,  then  paste  the  other  over  it,  only  lap 
ping  over  a  little  on  one 
side  and  below,  as  repre 
sented  in  this  diagram. 

When  this  is  dry  it  will 
have  a  very  pretty  effect. 
Of  course  you  can  cut  the 
papers  in  any  form  you 
choose  and  have  them  in 
different  colors — red  over 
green,  or  yellow  over  blue.  You  may  also  stitch 
one  pattern  of  a  smaller  size  right  in  the  centre  of 
another,  or  paste  three  or  four  different  patterns 
one  above  the  other,  as  illustrated  by  our  subjoined 
cuts. 

Having   delivered  our    short  ledlure  (illustrated 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  |I97 

with  examples)  to  the  six  brown  eyes,  and  also  to 
the  six  white  ears — like  quaint  sea-shells  from  the 
shores  of  Elysium — we  all  proceeded  to  operate  on 
the  windows  before  mentioned,  and 
we  are  glad  to  say  with  the  most 
pleasing  results. 

Our   scissorings  with    the    colored 
paper  brought  to  light  an  accomplish 
ment  of  Little   Pickle,  which  set  us 
all  to  work  anew  with  scissors  and  pen  and  ink  for 
some  time. 

Master  Adams's  system  was  this  :  he  took  a  small 
piece  of  writing  paper,  and  dropping  a  minute 
quantity  of  ink  in  the  centre,  then  folded  it  right 
across  the  blot  and  rubbed  it  over  with  his  finger. 
When  the  paper  was  opened  it  displayed  some 
curious  form  or  another.  This,  with 
a  few  touches  of  the  pen,  we  generally 
made  to  resemble  some  object  in  na 
ture.  Bud  made  an  excellent  stag's 
head  on  one  occasion,  which  we  sub 
join. 

But  Little  Pickle's  course  of  instruction  did  not 
stop  with  blots.  He  folded  bits  of  paper  and  cut 
them  into  grotesque  patterns,  and  set  us  all  to 
filling  them  up  with  pictures.  The  great  art  con 
sisted  in  making  your  design  conform  to  the  outline 


198 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


of  the  paper.  One  of  these,  which  we  happened 
to  have  brought  away  by  accident,  we  have  here 
engraved.  It  was  drawn  by  Bud,  and  is  really  very 
clever. 

That  was  a  very  delightful  evening  we  passed 
with  the  Adams's.  Little 
Pickle  is  a  very  fine  boy ; 
guess  we  will  call  for  him 
on  our  road  up  in  the 
afternoon — to  go  skating. 

That  night,  when  we 
reached  home,  we  found 
Nix  had  called  and  left  us 
a  very  curious  work — The 
Veda,  or  the  Sacred  Writ 
ings  of  the  Hindoos.  We 
slept  sweetly,  and  dreamed  we  were  reclining  on 
the  banks  of  the  Ganges  conversing  pleasantly 
with  Brahma.  Singular  dream,  was  it  not  ? 


CHAPTER    XVII. 


BLUE  and  white  Christmas,  with  his  henchman, 
Santa  Claus,  having  come  and  gone,  leaving  behind 
him,  however,  for  a  while,  his  raiment  of  white  and 
blue,  with  a  host  of  dear  memories  for  our  hearts' 
nourishment  through  the  next  twelvemonth's  stage 
in  this  journey  of  life,  we  think  we  cannot  better 
show  our  appreciation  of  his  goodness  than  by 
painting  a  portrait  of  that  small  fraction  of  the  uni 
versal  jollity  which  fell  to  our  individual  lot. 

We  have  some  friends  who  live  in  the  country,  a 
long  way  from  sidewalks  and  gas  and  railroads,  or 
at  least  far  enough  off  to  debar  the  dear  souls  from 
many  tastes  of  city  pleasures.  So,  as  these  friends 
cannot  well  go  to  town  for  amusement,  and  as  they 
have  a  large  love  of  fun  and  several  small  children, 
they  try  to  bring  amusements  home  on  all  festive 
occasions. 


200  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

To  this  house,  with  a  small  party  of  mutual  ac 
quaintances,  we  went  our  way  on  the  twenty-fifth 
of  December  last.  Before  starting  there  were  great 
business  operations  to  be  performed,  and  such  a 
time  as  we  had  of  it  !  One  item  was  easily 
managed,  and  caused  no  mental  anxiety.  We  went 
en  masse  to  Ridley's,  and,  after  waiting  in  a  crowd 
of  crinoline  for  some  time,  came  away  each  with  his 
dexter  coat-pocket  swelled  out  with  a  pound  pack 
age  of  mixed  candies.  That,  of  course,  was  simple 
enough  ;  but  when  it  came  to  buying  something 
else — something  of  a  more  durable  nature — then 
our  ingenuity  was,  indeed,  put  to  the  test.  It  will 
be  seen  that  our  task  was  no  ordinary  one.  There 
were  three  of  us,  and  we  each  wished,  according  to 
our  annual  custom,  to  present  each  member  of  the 
family  with  some  appropriate  gift ;  and  as  there 
were  five  in  the  family,  namely — papa,  mamma, 
daughter  aged  eleven,  son  aged  four,  and  another 
daughter  aged  two,  and  assuming  that  we  each  only 
gave  one  object  to  each  of  the  individuals  in  the 
country  house,  it  would  make — three  fives  are  fif 
teen — fifteen  different  objects  to  be  purchased, 
every  one  of  which  ought  to  differ  from  the  other, 
besides  being  unlike  anything  they  would  be  al 
ready  likely  to  possess.  When  we  came  to  com 
pare  notes,  we  found  that  we  had,  to  a  man,  privately 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  2OI 

and  separately  resolved  to  present  papa  with  a 
meerschaum  pipe  ;  two  out  of  the  three  had  thoughts 
of  giving  mamma  a  dressing-case  ;  while  the  unani 
mity  on  the  subject  of  work-boxes,  dolls,  and  jump- 
ing-jacks  was  really  marvellous. 

But  we  must  not  linger  around  fancy-stores,  and 
over  candy  counters,  and  in  city  streets.  We  have 
a  long  evening  before  us  away  off  in  the  country, 
over  miles  of  snowy  roads.  It  is  enough  that,  by 
the  aid  of  a  steaming  locomotive,  which  whizzed 
and  buzzed  and  thundered  us  through  the  lonely 
snow-clad  cuttings,  as  though  it  were  saying : 
"  Come  along  !  come  along  !  come  along !  Hurry 
up  !  Pish  !  phew  !  Here's  another  stoppage  ! 
Clear  the  track !  Don't  keep  us  waiting  !  "  stop 
ping  only  now  and  then,  stock  still,  to  brighten  up 
the  mean  way-station  into  a  glow  of  mysterious 
grandeur,  with  fitful  flashes  of  light,  as  though  it 
were  some  monster  fire-fly  of  the  season.  By 
means  of  this  lusty  bug  at  first,  and  afterwards  by 
a  rickety,  ramshackle,  old  shandradan  of  a  hack, 
tortured  along  by  two  horses,  one  of  which  was 
balky,  we  reached  the  house  of  our  entertainers, 
where  the  light  streamed  out  through  the  red  cur 
tains  to  meet  us,  and  glorified  the  snow  in  our 
path  long  before  we  pulled  up  at  the  hospitable 
door. 

9* 


202  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Merryweather  both  greeted  us 
heartily  before  we  had  kicked  the  snow  from  our 
boots  ;  while  the  former,  with  a  celerity  equally 
creditable  to  his  head  and  legs,  dashed  into  the 
kitchen,  and  reappeared  with  three  smoking  glasses 
of  hot  brandy-punch. 

"  Here,  boys,"  he  cried,  "  take  this.  It  will  keep 
the  cold  out.  Come,  I  insist  upon  it." 

Mr.  Greeley  and  other  good  people  tell  us  that  it 
is  all  wrong  to  drink  spirituous  liquors,  and  we  are 
not  quite  clear  ourself  as  to  the  propriety  of  the 
practice.  But  there  was  something  genial  in  the 
thoughtful  attention  of  our  friend  Merryweather, 
and  something  else  grateful  in  the  aroma  of  the 
brandy-punch,  that  certainly  made  us  all  feel  more 
truly  welcome  and  happy  than  had  we  been  politely 
shown  up-stairs  to  wash  our  hands  in  a  cold  bed 
room,  with  the  prospect  of  two  doughnuts  and  a 
cup  of  weak  tea  to  follow. 

Aunty  Delluvian  was  of  the  party,  being  a  very 
old  friend  of  the  family.  With  regard  to  the  com 
pany  generally,  it  may  be  defined  as  mixed.  Some 
of  the  children,  whose  parents  were  neighbors,  be 
trayed  their  status  by  the  excess  of  starch  and 
bright  colors  which  characterized  their  dresses ; 
while  others  from  the  city  displayed  all  the  osten 
tatious  simplicity  of  cultivated  taste. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  203 

Mr.  Merryvveather  opened  the  entertainment  with 
an  exceedingly  well  intentioned,  though  rather 
transparent,  display  of  prestidigitation  (if  that  is  the 
way  to  spell  the  abominable  word) ;  but  as  most  of 
his  tricks  depended  upon  the  use  of  a  new  and  com 
plete  set  of  conjuring  apparatus  he  had  purchased 
for  the  occasion,  we  will  not  linger  over  his  magic 
rings  and  dice  and  cups.  Two  items,  however,  in 
his  performance  being  attainable  by  very  simple 
means,  we  will  describe. 

At  one  stage  in  the  entertainment  it  seemed  ab 
solutely  necessary  that  he  should  have  the  aid  of  a 
small  boy,  in  order  to  make  six  copper  cents  pass 
from  under  a  hat  to  the  top  of  a  bird-cage.  Making 
known  his  want,  a  red-faced  youth  with  black  curly 
hair  volunteered  his  services.  The  juvenile,  be  it 
observed,  had  rendered  himself  somewhat  con 
spicuous  by  declaring  at  the  end  of  every  trick 
that  he  knew  how  it  was  done,  and  by  inquisi 
tively  desiring  to  inspect  the  interior  of  goblets 
and  the  bottoms  of  boxes.  Merryweather's  eyes 
twinkled  as  this  gentleman  tendered  his  assist 
ance. 

"  Here,"  he  said,  producing  a  small  trumpet, 
"  this  is  my  magic  horn.  Take  it  in  your  right 
hand,  till  I  say  :  '  Heigh  !  presto  !  pass  ! '  Then,  if 
your  lungs  are  strong  enough,  and  you  blow  with 


204  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

sufficient  force,  those  six  cents  will  pass  from  under 
the  hat  to  the  top  of  that  cage  yonder." 

The  youth  took  his  stand  firmly,  looked  know 
ingly,  and  placed  the  trumpet  to  his  lips  confi 
dently. 

"  Are  you  ready  ? "  asked  Mr.  Merryweather. 
"  Then,  heigh  !  presto  !  pass  !  " 

In  an  instant  the  face  of  the  bold  volunteer,  black 
hair,  red  cheeks,  and  all,  were  white  as  the  driven 
snow ;  and  comic  enough  he  looked,  as  he  gaped 
round  with  a  chap-fallen  expression,  puzzled  be 
yond  measure  to  know  into  what  condition  he  had 
blown  himself.  He  had,  in  truth,  blown  himself  all 
over  flour,  the  trumpet  being  constructed  for  that 
special  purpose. 

This  instrument  is  very  simple.  You  first  pro 
cure  a  tube  of  tin,  or  wood,  or  card-board,  of  about 
two  inches  in  diameter.  A  box  of  the  desired 
shape  can  be  found  in  the  store  of  almost  any  drug 
gist,  or  in  default  of  that,  a  wide-mouthed  vial  can 
be  made  to  answer.  The  next  thing  required  is  a 
thin  tube,  for  which  a  piece  of  elder  or  a  stick  of 
maccaroni  will  answer.  These,  with  a  large  cork 
or  bung,  are  all  the  materials  that  are  required. 
Having  cut  a  slice  off  the  cork  of  about  half  an  inch 
in  thickness,  you  fit  it  tightly  into  the  centre  of  the 
large  tube  ;  then  cut  another  slice  of  the  cork  to  fit 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


205 


into  one  end  of  the  tube  ;  but,  before  fixing  it,  cut 
some  notches  round  the  edge,  and  make  a  hole  in 
the  centre  large  enough  to  hold  firmly  the  smaller 
tube.  Now  fix  the  smaller  tube  in  the  second  cork, 


so  that  it  will  extend  about  two-thirds  of  the  way 
down  one  of  the  compartments  in  the  larger  tube  ; 


fix  the  second  cork  (the  one  with  the  notches  in  it) 


206  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

in  the  mouth  of  the  large  tube,  and  the  trumpet  is 
made.  By  referring  to  the  diagram,  you  will  proba 
bly  get  a  better  idea  of  the  construction  of  this 
weapon  than  from  our  description. 

When  you  wish  to  use  the  instrument,  pour  flour 
through  the  notches  you  have  cut  in  the  cork,  and 
it  is  ready.  Any  one  blowing  sharply  through  the 
small  tube  will,  of  course,  blow  all  the  flour  in  his 
own  face. 

The  second  item  in  Mr.  Merryweather's  enter 
tainment  we  propose  to  describe  is  still  more  sim 
ple.  One  of  his  feats  consisted  in  burning  a  hole 
in  a  pocket-handkerchief.  To  do  this  he  required  fire, 
so  he  ordered  his  assistant  to  bring  in  a  candle,  which 
was  accordingly  done,  the  candle  being  already 
lighted.  As  soon  as  Mr.  Merryweather  cast  his 
eyes  upon  the  luminary,  he  feigned  to  fly  into  a 
terrible  passion,  roundly  rating  the  unfortunate 
attendant  for  presenting  him  with  such  a  miserable 
fag-end  of  an  old  kitchen  dip.  Then  taking  the 
candle  from  the  candlestick,  he  held  the  wretched 
stump  up  to  the  audience,  and  appealed  to  them 
whether  it  was  not  disgraceful  that  he,  the  great 
Wizard  of  the  Western  World,  should  be  presented 
with  such  a  paltry  luminary. 

"  Why,"  he  exclaimed,  "  I  could  eat  a  dozen  such 
for  lunch  ! " 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  207 

And,  suiting  the  action  to  the  word,  blew  out  the 
light,  and  popped  the  offending  morsel  in  his  mouth, 
and  quietly  munched  it  up. 

A  subdued  cry  of  horror  echoed  through  the 
apartments,  above  which  was  heard  the  exclamation 
of  Aunty  Delluvian  : 

"  If  the  man  isn't  crunching  his  candle  !  " 

To  those  not  familiar  with  it,  this  trick  is  cer 
tainly  startling.  The  truth  is  that  the  candle  in 
question  is  made  out  of  a  piece  of  apple,  with  a 
small  peg  cut  from  a  nut  or  almond  for  a  wick. 
The  almond  wick  will  light  readily,  and  burn  bright 
ly  for  some  time,  so  that  the  deception  is  perfect. 


These  diagrams  will  show  the  form  in  which  to 


208  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

cut  the  candle  and  the  wick,  No.  I  representing  the 
candle  in  its  completed  state,  and  No.  2  the  wick 
before  it  is  inserted. 

The  great  wizard  having  completed  his  perfor 
mances  and  retired  into  private  life,  even  to  the 
extent  of  handing  cake  round  to  the  ladies  and 
drinking  a  glass  of  wine  himself,  he  mingled  freely 
with  the  throng,  but  did  not,  however,  unbend  im 
mediately,  but  smiled  condescendingly  when  the 
ladies  expressed  admiration  and  surprise  at  the 
supernatural  powers  he  had  just  displayed. 

Aunty  Delluvian  continued  to  evince  considera 
ble  disgust  at  our  friend  for  eating  the  tallow  candle, 
a  feeling  which  found  vent  in  utterance  of  the  mono 
syllables  : 

"  Finn  !     The  Finn  !     The  Finn  ! " 

This  good  Aunty  favored  us  with  a  narrative 
concerning  an  uncle  of  hers,  who  was  a  sea-cap 
tain,  and  once  made  a  voyage  to  "  Moscow ! "  It 
was  a  peculiarity,  be  it  observed,  of  Aunty  Dellu 
vian,  that  she  appeared  to  have  uncles  ready  at 
hand  for  all  emergencies.  She  told  us  that  this 
uncle,  when  at  the  Sclavonic  capital,  invited  some 
Russian  officers  on  board  his  ship  to  dine.  The 
dinner  was  of  the  most  sumptuous  description,  but 
the  Muscovites  seemed  to  take  but  little  interest  in 
the  repast,  until  something  on  deck  happened  to 


THE  HEADLESS 


0     THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  209 

call  the  host  up-stairs  ;  on  his  return  he  found  all  the 
guests  looking  more  cheerful.  They  chatted  plea 
santly  until  the  party  broke  up ;  and  then,  and  not 
till  then,  he  discovered  that  his  friends,  during  his 
absence,  had  drunk  all  the  oil  out  of  the  lamps, 
eaten  six  boxes  of  candles  stowed  away  under  the 
table,  and  had  even  devoured  the  shaving-soap  off 
his  dressing-table. 

We  had  a  faint  recollection  of  having  heard  this 
story  before,  and  quite  pleased  Aunty  Delluvian  by 
telling  her  so  ;  she  considered  it  quite  a  tribute  to 
her  uncle's  popularity. 

The  second  feature  of  the  evening's  programme 
was  of  a  less  cheerful  character  than  the  first, 
consisting  of  the  display  of  a  no  more  pleasing 
object  than  a  bodyless  head.  Our  illustration  on 
next  page  will  at  once  place  the  scene  before  our 
readers,  bereft,  however,  of  some  of  the  grim  fea 
tures  of  the  real  spectacle  ;  for,  as  we  beheld  it, 
there  was  the  real  flesh  tint,  and  the  eyes  rolled 
fearfully. 

Startling  and  complete  as  is  the  illusion  in  this 
case,  it  is  very  simply  managed.  Get  some  person 
with  a  high  forehead  and  tolerably  long  hair,  and 
paint  under  the  eyes  a  pair  of  eyebrows,  and  on  the 
forehead  a  nose  and  pair  of  moustaches,  as  repre 
sented  in  the  annexed  cut.  Then  make  the  person 


210  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

lie  down  on  his  back  under  a  table,  in  such  a  way 
that  you  can  arrange  a  curtain  so  as  to  conceal  all 


the  body  and  half  the  face.  Brush  the  hair  out  to 
resemble  a  beard,  and  you  have  a  perfect  represen 
tation  of  a  bodyless  head. 

For  painting  the  moustaches  and  eyebrows,  In 
dian-ink  or  burnt  cork  will  answer. 

There  is  one  advantage  which  the  spectacle  can 
boast  of:  it  affords  the  ladies  an  opportunity  for 
giving  those  sweet  little  musical  shrieks  which  are 
so  charming,  and  of  being  frightened  generally — 
some  ladies  look  very  bewitching  when  they  are 
frightened — besides  giving  ladies  an  excuse  for 
clinging  to  gentlemen's  arms,  which  is  very  plea 
sant  for  the  gentlemen. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  21 1 

Mr.  Merryweather  now  introduced  to  our  notice 
a  young  gentleman  who  was  detailed  to  amuse  us 
with  some  specimens  of  ventriloquism.  We  had  no 
notion  before  this  time,  when  our  attention  was 
particularly  drawn  to  the  subject,  how  much  suita 
ble  action  has  to  do  with  ventriloquial  illusions.  As 
performed  before  us  by  the  young  gentleman  in 
question,  whose  name  was  Noddles,  the  deception 
was  capital  ;  but  when  the  sounds  were  reproduced 
in  a  private  room,  without  action,  for  our  special 
instruction,  we  marvelled  that  any  one  could  have 
been  deluded  by  them.  First  of  all,  Mr.  Noddles 
imitated  the  drawing  of  a  cork.  To  give  effect  to 
this,  he  turned  his  back  to  the  audience,  and  feigned 
to  have  a  bottle  between  his  knees.  The  method 
of  doing  this  is  so  simple  that  we  think  we  can 
almost  describe  it  in  words.  First  you  make  three 
or  four  chirps  in  succession,  such  as  people  are  in 
the  habit  of  making  to  birds  ;  this  sounds  like  dri 
ving  in  the  corkscrew.  Then  you  place  your  fore 
finger  in  your  mouth,  and  force  it  out  so  as  to  make 
a  loud  pop,  which  signifies  that  the  cork  is  drawn. 
Then  you  smack  your  lips  together,  producing  a 
sound  something  like  "  Pop — pop — pop — pop — pop 
— pop  "  rapidly,  to  imitate  the  wine  bubbling  from 
the  bottle.  Voila  tout ! 

After  that,  Mr.   Noddles  pretended  to  call  to  a 


212  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

mason  up  the  chimney,  the  mason  answering  in  a 
husky  voice  from  above,  and  finally  proceeding  with 
his  work  of  knocking  out  a  brick.  The  knocking 
was  produced  much  in  the  same  way  as  the  pouring 
out  the  wine,  by  parting  the  lips  suddenly  ;  only,  in 
the  case  of  the  brick,  the  note  was  in  a  deeper  key, 
more  resembling  "  Bubp — bubp — bubp — bubp."  We 
noticed  particularly  that  when  the  performer  address 
ed  the  person  up  the  chimney,  he  spoke  with  especial 
clearness,  delivering  the  words,  as  much  as  possible, 
from  the  lips.  This  was  in  order  to  produce  a 
strong  contrast  to  the  tones  of  the  man  up  the 
chimney,  which  were  produced  far  down  in  his  own 
throat. 

Another  of  his  performances  was  to  pretend  that 
a  dog  was  under  the  lounge,  which  refused  to  come 
out,  and  finally  bit  him  when  he  tried  to  drag  it  out 
by  the  leg. 

Still  another  consisted  in  imitating  a  man  out 
side  the  door  trying  to  force  it  open.  Sometimes 
the  supposed  man  would  succeed  in  forcing  the 
door  a  short  way,  when  a  gush  of  his  loud  voice 
would  rush  in,  to  be  immediately  cut  short  by  the 
sudden  closing  of  the  door. 

Mr.  Noddles  concluded  his  part  of  the  entertain 
ment  by  the  performance  of  the  jumping  rabbit — 
the  rabbit  on  this  occasion  being  made  out  of  a 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


213 


lady's  fur  cuff  tied  up  with  a  piece  of  string.  This 
crude  counterfeit  of  bunny  he  laid  on  the  palm  of 
his  left  hand,  with  one  end  resting  against  his  fin 
gers,  as  represented  in  the  cut,  while  with  the 


other  hand  he  stroked  and  caressed  it,  saying  at  the 
same  time,  "  Be  still,  bunny — don't  run  away  ;  if 
you  run  away  the  dogs  will  catch  you,  and  you  will 
be  made  into  chicken-pie,  and  your  skin  will  be 
made  into  a  fur  cap  and  sold  in  the  Bowery  to — 
hallo  !  hold  on  !  hi !  "  the  latter  exclamations  being 
elicited  by  the  rabbit  jumping  up  his  arm,  while  he 
struggled  to  capture  it  and  bring  it  back  with  his 
right  hand.  The  first  jump  made  by  the  rabbit  was 


214  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

produced  by  a  sharp  jerk  of  the  fingers,  which 
sometimes  sends  him  flying  into  the  middle  of  the 
room  with  a  most  lifelike  effect. 

But  now  a  more  imposing  portion  of  the  pro 
gramme  claims  our  attention.  A  subdued  jingling  of 
bells  is  heard  at  the  door,  a  few  spasmodic  bumps, 
and  in  trots  the  patron  saint  of  the  day — good 
Santa  Claus,  sleigh,  reindeer,  red  cap,  and  all.  (See 
next  page.)  It  may  not  have  been  polite,  but  we 
could  not  help  it,  and  greeted  the  good  saint  with 
an  unrestrained  roar  of  laughter.  Surely  never  be 
fore  was  seen  out  of  Noah's  Ark  such  a  comical 
steed,  such  legs,  such  proportions,  and  such  a  dis 
located  style  of  locomotion.  No  matter,  he  amused 
us  more  than  a  whole  troop  of  the  veritable  article 
from  Spitzbergen ;  and,  as  a  simple  act  of  justice 
between  man  and  beast,  we  must  admit  that  he 
propelled  Santa  Claus  and  his  turn-out  in  a  most 
efficient,  not  to  say  intelligent,  style  around  the 
room.  This  was  the  Merryweather  substitute  for  a 
Christmas-tree.  Santa  Claus  came  to  distribute 
the  Christmas-gifts — a  task  he  performed  with  a 
discretion  beyond  his  years.  It  is  pleasing  to 
record  that  no  one,  not  even  the  dullest  in  the 
company,  recognised  Master  Georgy  in  his  dis 
guise  ;  but  one  and  all,  with  admirable  tact,  feigned 
to  be  completely  taken  in,  and  fully  believed  that 


THE  ARRIVAL  OF  SANTA  CLAU S.—Stt  fitfe  214. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


21$ 


they  were  receiving   a  visit  from  the  good  saint 
himself. 

After  the  vtdgaris  pueris,  the  elephant,  and  other 
specimens  of  zoology,  it  is  almost  needless  to  ex 
plain  how  the  reindeer  was  constructed.  Our  illus 


tration  seems  almost  superfluous  ;  still,  something 
may  be  made  a  little  clearer  by  them  ;  and  to  them 
we  refer  the  reader  who  wishes  to  learn  how  to 
build  a  reindeer.  In  the  case  before  us,  the  hide  of 
the  deer  was  made  out  of  a  pair  of  army  blankets, 
purchased  by  Merryweather  for  five  dollars  in 
Chambers  street — about  the  best  material  that 
could  possibly  be  selected  for  the  purpose.  These 
he  cut  out  and  fitted  himself,  and  had  them  sewed 


216 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


on  his  wife's  sewing-machine.  The  head  and  horns 
were  made  of  thick  brown  paper,  and  here  is  the 
most  difficult  part  of  the  animal  to  describe — not 
the  most  difficult  to  make,  bear  in  mind.  We  hate 
long  explanations,  and  yet  we  feel  puzzled  now,  as 
we  have  often  been  before,  to  tell  you  how  to  make 
this  reindeer  mask.  However,  here  goes :  You 
require  two  or  three  sheets  of  thick  brown  paper,  a 
bowl  of  paste  (flour  and  water  boiled),  and  a  block 
of  wood,  from  the  wood-pile,  of  about  six  or  seven 
inches  in  diameter.  (See  annexed  cut.)  You  mois 


ten  one  sheet  of  the  paper  slightly,  and  then  mould 
it  over  the  block  ;  having  done  this,  you  smear  the 
entire  surface  with  paste,  and  mould  another  sheet 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  2i; 

of  paper  over  that ;  then  you  smear  the  second 
sheet  over  with  paste,  and  mould  a  third  sheet  over 
all ;  then  let  them  stand  till  dry.  This,  when  dry, 
can  be  removed  from  the  block,  and  will  give  you  a 
hollow  cone  on  which  you  can  paint  the  eyes  and 


mouth  of  the  deer,  and  to  which  you  can  likewise 

paste  the  horns,  as  indicated  in   this  diagram.      It 

10 


2l8  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

may  strike  you  that  the  diagram  looks  more  like  a 
bottle-nosed  shark  than  the  face  of  any  denizen  of 
the  forest.  You  must  not,  however,  be  discouraged 
on  this  account ;  it  will  look  all  right  when  you  get 
it  in  its  proper  place. 

Need  we  add,  that  after  this  we  had  supper ; 
when  good-humor  culminated  in  the  grand  old 
song  of  "  Auld  Lang  Syne,"  all  singing  and  joining 
hands  round  the  table,  down  even  to  the  little  two 
and  a  half  year  old  Dolly,  whose  auld  lang  syne  dated 
no  further  back  than  two  strawberry  seasons.  The 
idea  of  taking  a  "  richt  gude  wully  wut "  with  such 
a  wee  mite  of  a  thing  was  so  very  comic  that  we  all 
laughed  right  merrily,  while  Mrs.  Merryweather, 
with  tears  in  her  eyes,  clasped  the  child  to  her 
bosom  as  though  she  would  protect  it  from  some 
impending  danger,  possibly  the  approach  of  the 
monster  "  richt  gude  wully  wut." 

The  ladies  and  children  retired.  And  we  gentle 
men  soothed  our  excited  nerves  with  a  quiet  cigar 
in  Mr.  Merryweather's  library. 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 


WE  shall  now  amuse  the  fireside  with  a  little 
song,  or  rather  we  will  try  to  tell  our  friends  how  to 
gladden  their  own  chimney-corners  with  the  songs 
of  birds  through  the  long  winter  evenings.  It  will 
be  pleasant  when  the  wind  is  howling  without 
among  the  snow-laden  limbs  of  the  trees,  to  be 
reminded  of  the  gay  summer  by  the  counterfeit 
notes  of  the  woodland  songsters.  Still,  we  must 
warn  our  readers,  that  to  acquire  the  art  thorough 
ly  needs  patience  and  perseverance  ;  we  can  but 
tell  them  how  to  make  and  use  the  instrument,  and 
the  rest  they  must  learn  for  themselves.  First  look 
at  the  annexed  diagram,  and  then  procure  a  leek 
and  cut  off  from  the  green  leaf  thereof  a  piece  about 
the  size  of  the  diagram  ;  then  lay  it  on  a  smooth 
table,  and  with  the  thumb-nail  delicately  scrape 
away  a  semicircular  patch  of  the  green  pulpy  sub- 


220  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

stance  of  the  leaf  (as  represented  in  the  diagram), 
being  careful  to  leave  the  fine  membrane  or  outer 
skin  of  the  leaf  uninjured — and  there  is  the  instru 
ment  complete.  It  may  require  several  experiments 


to  make  the  first  one,  but  once  having  discovered 
the  right  way,  they  are  very  easily  manufactured. 
The  reader  may  not  be  aware  of  the  fact  that  the 
leaf  of  the  leek  has  a  fine  transparent  outer  skin 
which  is  quite  tough,  but  by  breaking  and  carefully 
examining  one  or  two  leaves,  he  will  soon  find  out 
to  what  we  allude. 

The  way  of  using  this  instrument  is  to  place  it  in 
the  roof  of  the  mouth  with  the  side  on  which  is  the 
membrane  downwards  ;  then  press  it  gently  in  its 
place  with  the  tongue,  and  blow  between  the  tongue 
and  the  upper  teeth.  After  the  first  two  or  three 
attempts,  you  will  be  able  to  produce  a  slight  sound 
like  a  mild  grunt ;  then  as  you  practise  it  you  will 
find  that  you  can  prolong  and  vary  the  sound  some 
what,  so  that  in  the  course  of  a  couple  of  days  you 
can  imitate  the  barking  of  a  dog  and  the  neighing 
of  a  horse.  With  two  or  three  weeks'  practice,  you 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  221 

will  be  able  to  imitate  some  of  the  song-birds  ;  but 
to  produce  exact  counterfeits  of  the  best  singing- 
birds  will  probably  require  months  of  study ;  the 
result,  however,  will  reward  you  for  all  your  pains  ; 
for  certainly  to  be  able  to  carry  a  mocking-bird, 
canary,  thrush,  cat-bird,  and  sucking-pig  in  your 
vest-pocket  is  no  small  accomplishment. 

When  not  using  the  instrument,  it  should  be  kept 
in  a  glass  of  water  to  prevent  its  drying. 


CHAPTER   XIX. 


THOSE  tranquil  moods  of  which  we  have  twice 
spoken  come  over  us  with  still  increasing  fre 
quency.  Little  Pickle  is  certainly  a  very  smart 
boy.  We  are  giving  him  lessons  in  drawing  ;  he 
comes  on  rapidly,  but  requires  a  great  deal  of  atten 
tion.  Our  time  passes  peaceably  enough  in  study 
and  contemplation.  Nix  has  procured  us  some 
more  works  of  Brahminical  lore.  It  is  a  curious 
religion,  that  of  the  Hindoos,  resembling  in  many 
points  Christianity.  Nix  declares,  in  his  good- 
natured  way,  that  we  are  more  than  half  converted 
already,  and  threatens  to  send  a  missionary  to  rea 
son  us  back  from  heathenism,  as  we  need  a  minis 
ter  badly.  He  is  an  exceedingly  good-natured  fel 
low  is  Nix,  though  a  little  broad,  perhaps,  at  times, 
in  his  style  of  jocularity.  Our  readers  are  probably 
not  aware  that  there  is  a  certain  form  of  vulgar 
humor  known  as  a  sell,  which  consists  in  inducing 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  22$ 

some  person  to  ask  you  a  question,  and  then  giving 
some  idiotic  answer  in  reply.  The  other  day  Nix 
overtook  us  in  Broadway.  After  talking  a  few 
minutes  he  exclaimed : 

"  Oh,  by  the  way,  I  have  a  note  for  you/'  at  the 
same  time  feeling  vigorously  in  his  pockets. 

"  When  did  you  get  it  ?  Who  is  it  from  ? "  we 
inquired,  with  some  earnestness,  for  we  were  ex 
pecting  a  letter  from  some  one. 

"  Don't  know — don't  know,"  he  replied,  continu 
ing  to  fumble  in  his  pockets.  "  Ah,  here  it  is." 

At  the  same  time  grasping  one  hand,  he  placed 
in  it  an  oat — one  seed  of  the  grain  upon  which 
horses  and  Scotchmen  are  fed. 

Nix  laughed  boisterously,  and  told  us  we  were 
sold.  We  don't  see  very  much  fun  in  it. 

We  have  spent  another  pleasant  evening  at  the 
Adams'.  We  mentioned  in  a  recent  chapter 
making  some  preparations  for  a  little  party  they 
were  about  to  give.  Well,  it  went  off  very  plea 
santly  indeed ;  there  were  no  hitches  and  no 
awful  pauses.  Indeed,  our  own  pleasure  would 
have  been  unalloyed  had  it  not  been  for  the  pre 
sence  of  one  officious  person  with  large  whiskers, 
who  (there  are  always  one  or  more  such  persons  in 
every  assembly)  obtruded  his  attentions  too  much 
on  the  ladies  ;  we  observed  that  Bud,  amongst 


224  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

others,  was  quite  embarrassed  by  them.  She  was 
too  well  bred,  however,  to  allow  him  to  perceive 
her  vexations,  though  I  must  say  I  think  there  is 
is  such  a  thing  as  carrying  complaisance  and  self- 
abnegation  too  far. 

The  scientific  gentleman  with  gold  spectacles 
was  there,  and  had  an  electrical  novelty  for  us 
which  attracted  much  attention.  At  first  we  sup 
posed  the  gentleman  named  was  giving  Little 
Pickle  lessons  in  skating,  for  he  was  directing  that 
youth's  movements  as  he  shuffled  up  and  down  the 
hearth-rug  in  his  slippered  feet.  Rather  jealous  for 
the  credit  of  our  pupil,  we  informed  the  spectacles 
that  there  was  nothing  in  the  way  of  skating  he 
could  teach  Master  Pickle,  he  being  already  a  pro 
ficient  in  that  art.  To  which  he  only  replied : 

"  Put  your  knuckle  to  his  nose." 

Rathered  staggered  by  this  request,  which  sa 
vored  somewhat  of  the  ruder  style  of  badinage,  and 
the  very  last  thing  we  expected  from  the  decorous 
gentleman  of  science,  we  replied,  with  just  a  shade 
of  hauteur : 

"Sir?" 

"  Put  your  knuckle  to  his  nose." 

"  Really,  I  do  not  comprehend  you." 

"  Put  your  finger  to  his  nose  and  you  will  get  a 
shock." 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  22$ 

All  this  time  Little  Pickle  was  sliding  and  sli 
thering  up  and  down  the  rug  in  a  manner  highly 
calculated  to  wear  out  that  costly  piece  of  furni 
ture. 

"  You  perceive,"  continued  spectacles,  in  an  ex 
planatory  way,  "that  he  has  slippers  on  his  feet. 
By  keeping  his  feet  in  close  contact  with  the  rug, 
and  rubbing  them  violently  up  and  down,  he 
generates  electricity  in  his  body  to  such  an  extent 
that  he  can  transmit  quite  a  sensible  shock  to 
another  person.  Now  try  !  " 

We  tried.  Tick!  A  most  unmistakable  spark 
passed  from  the  nose  of  L.  P.  to  our  knuckle. 

The  guests  now  began  to  crowd  round,  applying 
their  knuckles  to  the  poor  boy's  nose  to  that  extent 
that  it  grew  quite  red,  which,  combined  with  a 
trifling  unsteadiness  his  legs  acquired  from  the 
unusual  exertion,  gave  the  dear  boy  quite  a  groggy 
appearance.  Indeed,  we  observed  his  mother 
soon  after  draw  him  towards  her  and,  stooping 
down,  whisper  something  in  his  ear,  at  which  he 
colored  up,  shook  his  head,  and  replied  quickly, 
"  No,  only  lemonade."* 

The  scientific  person,  who  was  really  a  very 
amiable  gentleman  after  all,  taught  us  during  the 
evening  to  make  quite  a  curious  little  toy — to  wit, 

*  The  spark  emitted  is  sufficiently  powerful  to  light  a  jet  of  gas. 
10* 


226  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

a  miniature  camera.  Having  enlisted  the  services 
of  Little  Pickle,  he  procured  a  small  pill-box,  a 
minute  fragment  about  half  an  inch  square  of 
broken  looking-glass,  and  a  fragment  of  beeswax. 
He  first  bored  a  small  hole  in  the  centre  of  the  lid 
of  the  pill-box  and  another  in  the  side  ;  he  then, 
with  the  aid  of  the  beeswax,  stuck  the  piece  of  the 
mirror  across  the  bottom  of  the  box  at  an  angle  of 
forty-five  degrees  to  the  axis  of  the  disc  of  the 
box,  so  that  by  looking  through  one  hole  he  could 
see  objects  through  the  other  hole,  thus  ena 
bling  a  person  to  look  behind  him.  We  feel  that 
this  description  is  not  very  clear,  and  yet  for  the 
life  of  us  we  do  not  know  how  to  make  it  clearer. 
The  best  plan  for  the  reader  will  be  to  look  well  at 
the  diagrams  showing  the  inside  and  outside  of  the 
camera,  get  the  wax,  glass,  and  pill-box,  and  then 
potter  about  with  them  till  he  gets  it  right. 


Camera  led  the  conversation  in  our  corner  of  the 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


227 


room  to  the  subject  of  optical  illusions,  when  some 
one  of  course  suggested  the  hat  experiment.  There 
is  probably  nothing  the  proportions  of  which  are  so 
deceptive  as  a  hat.  Reader,  if  you  have  never 
tried  the  experiment,  take  a  stick  and  point  out  on 
the  wall  how  high  you  think  a  hat  would  reach 
from  the  floor  if  placed  on  its  crown,  as  represented 
in  our  sketch. 


Aunty  Delluvian,  the  first  to  try,  took  the  stick 
and  boldly  measured  off  a  distance  of  between  two 
and  three  feet,  and  utterly  laughed  to  scorn  the 
moderate  persons  who  satisfied  themselves  with 
ten  inches.  After  each  of  the  measurements  was 
marked  with  a  pencil,  and  the  hat  'itself  put  beside 


228  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

them,  showing  every  one  to  be  wrong,  Aunty's 
amazement  knew  no  bounds.  Indeed,  she  would 
not  be  satisfied  till  we  brought  our  own  hat  to  con 
vince  her  that  some  deception  had  not  been  prac 
tised. 

This  was  Aunty  Delluvian's  first  visit  to  the 
Adams',  having  only  recently  been  introduced 
through  the  agency  of  Nix.  I  was,  therefore,  not 
unprepared  for  some  criticism  on  our  friends  ;  but 
when  the  good  lady,  towards  the  close  of  the  even 
ing,  took  us  to  one  side  and  said  confidentially 
and  emphatically,  nodding  her  head  at  the  same 
time  knowingly,  "  No  flippery,  flummery.  I  like 
her !  "  we  were  a  little  surprised,  the  statement  was 
so  emphatic  and  yet  so  vague.  That  was  all  she 
said,  walking  away  briskly  when  she  had  so  de 
livered  herself,  as  though  she  had  rendered  a  final 
verdict.  To  which  of  the  family  did  she  refer  ? 
To  Mrs.  Adams,  we  presume,  and  yet  she  might 
have  said  something  about  the  other  members  of 
the  family.  She  is  a  queer  creature  is  Aunty  Del- 
luvian. 

We  are  disposed  to  think  that  the  ART  of  enter 
taining  is  rarely  if  ever  regarded  as  an  ART,  and 
certainly  never  treated  as  such.  We,  however,  on 
this  occasion,  laid  our  plans  and  arranged  our 
forces  with  as  much  care  and  skill  as  a  general 


FIFTEEN  FACES  IN  ONE.— See  page  223. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  229 

exercises  in  laying  out  a  campaign.  We  have  as 
profound  a  respect  for  a  good  commissary  as  ever 
did  Napoleon  Bonaparte.  We  had  our  reserve,  too, 
and  our  signal  corps,  so  that  should  the  battle 
waver  at  any  moment,  it  might  be  immediately  set 
going  again.  Amongst  other  resources,  we  had  a 
number  of  surprise  pictures  concealed  in  a  certain 
place,  which  were  to  be  produced  when  occasion 
might  require.  One  of  these  will  be  found  on  oppo 
site  page,  and  comprises  fifteen  faces  in  one.  Pic 
tures  of  this  kind  always  amuse,  and  are  fine  provo 
catives  of  conversation. 

Reader,  when  you  give  a  party,  do  not  bring  your 
entire  force  into  action  at  first ;  always  have  a 
reserve  to  fall  back  upon. 

We  saw  a  whole  group  which  was  showing 
alarming  symptoms  of  demoralization  rallied  with 
a  pocket-handkerchief.  Nix  saw  the  emergency, 
drew  his  handkerchief,  tied  one  end  round  the  tip 
of  his  finger,  on  which,  with  a  few  dots  of  the  pen, 
he  had  indicated  a  comic  face,  and  threw  himself 
into  the  dispirited  crew,  exclaiming  : 

"  This  is  Rantepolefungus,  the  mysterious  magi 
cian  of  Morocco."  Then,  in  a  feigned  voice  : 

"  How  do,  pretty  ladee  and  gentlemen  ?  Me  tell 
fortune,  work  spell,  makee  incantation.  Me  tell  you 
fortune,  pretty  missee  ;  you  be,  by-a-by,  sixt  wife 


230 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


great   street   contractor ;     favorite   wife,   he   givee 
dust-cart   full   of  greeny-back ;    much   lovee   you  ; 


cut  off  head  of  all  other   wife,  makee  you  much 
happy ;   he  givee  you  large  gold  ring  big's   flour- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  231 

barrel  to  wear  in  your  nosee,  and  six  whiskey 
cocktails  every  morning.  Pretty  ladee,  give  great 
magician  buckshees,"  and  a  whole  string  of  other 
nonsense,  the  little  Moor  moving  his  head  and 
hands  all  the  time,  suiting  the  action  to  the  words. 

The  sketches  opposite  will  show  how  the  Moor 
is  made. 

As  we  walked  home  with  Nix,  smoking  our 
cigars,  we  agreed  that  the  party  had  been  managed 
with  consummate  generalship.  As  we  parted,  he 
asked  us  if  we  should  like  to  have  a  small  statue 
of  Vishnu  ?  Wonder  what  he  meant. 


CHAPTER   XX. 


THOSE  red  and  green  lights  which  lend  such 
a  glory  to  the  final  tableaux  of  fairy  pieces  on  the 
public  stage,  can  easily  be  introduced  into  private 
parlor  performances.  There  is  no  danger  in  using 
them ;  they  are  quite  inexpensive,  and  very  easily 
managed.  'Warning,  however,  should  be  given  to 
all  asthmatic  persons  to  vacate  the  ranch  before 
firing  off,  as  their  fumes  are  apt  to  produce  unpleasant 
results.  When  we  first  performed  the  play  of 
BullywingU  the  Beloved,  the  red  light  was  calculat 
ed  on  as  a  startling  feature  of  the  performance. 
At  the  proper  moment  the  match  was  applied,  the 
combustibles  behaved  handsomely,  everybody  was 
entranced,  all  save  one  unfortunate  gentleman, 
subject  to  asthma,  who  created  quite  a  sensation  by 
rushing  out  of  the  house  in  a  choking  condition, 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  233 

and  remaining  speechless  in  the  snow  for  over 
twenty  minutes. 

The  mode  of  working  these  lights  is  to  place  one 
of  the  powders,  for  which  we  shall  presently  give 
you  prescriptions,  in  an  iron  shovel,  and  apply 
a  lighted  match.  The  powder  will  begin  to  burn 
slowly,  emitting  a  bright  red  or  green  light,  accom 
panied  by  volumes  of  smoke.  Before  exhibiting 
these  lights,  all  others  in  the  room,  gas  or  lamps, 
should  be  turned  down  as  low  as  possible. 

If  the  operator  stands  behind  the  scenes,  so  as  to 
be  out  of  sight  during  the  performance,  the  effect  is 
what  Artemus  Ward  would  call  Trooly  Grand. 

In  order  to  procure  the  lights,  go  to  some  drug 
gist  and  give  him  the  following  prescriptions.  He 
will  procure  the  necessary  materials  and  mix  them 
for  you. 

RED    FIRE. 

Forty  parts  of  dry  nitrate  of  strontian,  thirteen 
parts  of  finely  powdered  sulphur,  five  parts  of  chlo 
rate  of  potash,  and  four  parts  of  sulphuret  of 
antimony.  The  chlorate  of  potash  and  sulphuret 
of  antimony  should  be  powdered  separately  in 
a  mortar,  and  then  mixed  together  on  paper ;  after 
which  they  may  be  added  to  the  other  ingredients, 
previously  powdered  and  mixed. 


234  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

GREEN    FIRE. 

Green  fire,  when  burned  in  a  reflector,  sheds 
a  beautiful  light  on  all  surrounding  objects.  Take 
of  flour  of  sulphur  thirteen  parts,  of  nitrate  of  baryta 
seventy-seven,  of  oxymuriate  of  potassa  five,  of 
metallic  arsenic  two,  of  charcoal  three.  The  nitrate 
of  baryta  should  be  well  dried  and  powdered ; 
it  should  then  be  mixed  with  the  other  ingredients, 
all  finely  pulverized,  and  the  whole  triturated  until 
perfectly  blended  together.  A  little  calamine  may 
be  occasionally  added,  in  order  to  make  the  com 
pound  slower  of  combustion ;  and  it  is  above  all 
things  requisite  that  the  rubbing  together  of  the 
materials  should  be  continued  until  they  are  com 
pletely  mixed. 

It  may  so  happen  that  in  some  of  your  parlor 
theatricals  you  may  wish  to  introduce  a  storm,  so 
we  will  tell  you  how  to  manage  it. 

There  are  several  elements  in  a  storm  which  can 
be  counterfeited. 

Thunder. 

Snow. 

The  sound  of  rain  or  hail. 

Lightning. 

Wind. 

The  noise  of  thunder  is  produced  by  shaking  a 


THE  ART  OF  A. \fUSING.  235 

sheet  of  iron  behind  the  scenes.  The  sheet  should 
be  about  three  feet  square,  and  can  be  procured  at 
any  stove  store. 

Snow  can  be  represented  by  throwing  handfuls 
of  small  scraps  of  paper  from  above. 

It  is  best  to  mount  on  a  chair  or  step-ladder 
behind  the  scenes,  and  strew  them  down  in  the 
proper  direction.  The  scraps  of  paper  should  be  of 
course  white  and  totny  not  cut,  of  the  requisite 
size. 

The  sound  of  rain  or  hail  is  produced  thus  :  Get 
the  carpenter  to  make  for  you  a  box,  from  eight  to 
twelve  feet  in  length,  and  of  about  four  inches  inside 
diameter ;  put  in  a  couple  of  handfuls  of  dried 
peas,  and  then  fasten  up  the  box ;  when  you  wish  to 
make  rain,  tilt  up  one  end  of  the  box  and  let  the 
peas  run  down  to  the  other  end,  then  reverse  the 
box  and  let  them  run  back  again.  As  long  as  you 
continue  to  do  this  you  will  have  an  excellent  imita 
tion  of  rain,  at  least  as  far  as  the  sound  is  con 
cerned. 

Lightning  is  imitated  by  having  a  lamp  in  a  box  ; 
whenever  you  want  to  produce  a  flash,  open  the  lid 
suddenly  and  close  it  again.  Of  course  all  the  other 
lights  in  the  room  must  have  been  previously 
lowered. 

Wind.     Sufficient  wind  to  blow  about  the  flakes 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

of  snow  can  be  produced  with  a  very  large  fan,  a 
wooden  frame  with  calico  stretched  over  it  being  as 
good  as  anything.  But  to  simulate  the  effects  of  a 
gale,  some  other  means  must  be  adopted. 

We  will  assume  that  the  curtain  rises  on  a  storm 
scene  ;  thunder  and  hail  are  heard,  and  fitful  flashes 
of  lightning  illumine  the  landscape.  Enter  a  wan- 


dering  female,  a  little  girl,  we  will  presume,  in  search 
of  shelter ;  as   she  walks  on  to  the  stage  leaning 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING,  237 

forward  as  though  struggling  against  the  blast,  her 
shawl  and  dress  are  violently  agitated  by  the  wind. 
To  produce  this  effect  attach  two  or  three  strong 
threads  to  the  garments  named,  and  at  the  proper 
time  jerk  and  pull  them  with  a  tremulous  motion,  to 
impart  the  natural  action.  The  preceding  diagram 
will  illustrate  our  meaning. 

These  instructions  may  be  found  useful  to 
amateur  players,  and  will  certainly  heighten  the 
effecl;  of  the  performance  when  they  can  be  intro 
duced. 

There  is  another  point  in  connection  with  make 
up  to  which  we  may  as  well  call  the  reader's  atten 
tion  before  closing  this  chapter.  All  persons,  no 
matter  how  ruddy  their  complexions  may  be,  look 
pale  or  sallow  under  the  influence  of  the  bright 
light  necessary  to  illuminate  a  stage  ;  to  counteract 
this  effect  it  is  absolutely  necessary  to  rouge,  or  in 
other  words,  paint  the  cheeks  pink  ;  a  little  carmine 
from  your  paint-box  will  serve  for  this  purpose,  if 
you  have  not  the  regular  rouge  powder  on  hand. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 


IT  is  marvellous  how  much  amusement,  in  a 
quiet  way,  can  be  got  out  of  a  pair  of-  scissors 
and  a  piece  of  card-board.  Moreover,  if  the  fingers 
be  plump  and  white,  we  know  of  no  position  in 
which  they  look  more  tantalizingly  bewitching, 
than  when  harnessed  like  a  couple  of  white  mice 
in  the  iron  yoke  of  a  pair  of  liliputian  shears.  We 
have  passed  many  a  pleasant  evening  in  contem 
plating  and  cutting.  On  one  occasion  which  we 
remember  well,  as  it  led  to  sudden  and  unexpected 
matrimony  of  a  valued  friend,  we  sat  till  twelve 
o'clock  at  night  and  used  up  a  whole  pack  of  cards, 
except  the  jack  of  diamonds,  in  making  boomerangs 
and  other  mechanical  notions.  The  boomerang  we 
have  already  introduced  to  our  readers,  and  some  of 
the  other  contraptions  we  shall  now  proceed  to  ex 
plain.  So  scare  up  all  the  cards  you  can,  and  bring 
out  your  army  of  scissors. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


239 


One  card  puzzle  we  have  often  tried,  and  with 
which  most  persons  are  familiar,  is  that  of  the 
cross.  You  cut  out  of  card  or  stiff  paper,  five 
pieces  similar  in  shape  and  size  to  the  following,  viz. 
one  piece  of  fig.  i,  one  piece  of  fig.  2,  and  three 
pieces  of  fig.  3. 


240 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


These  five  pieces  you  put  together  so  as  to  make 
a  cross  like  Figure  4. 

If  you  cannot  solve  the  problem,  look  at  the 
following  cut,  and  you  will  cease  to  be  puzzled. 


Now  we  will  try  another  card  puzzle.  Cut  a 
piece  of  card  or  paper  in  the  shape  of  a  horse-shoe, 
and  mark  on  it  the  places  for  the  nails  as  repre 
sented  in  the  subjoined  sketch. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  241 

The  puzzle  is  with  two  cuts  to  divide  it  into  six 
parts,  each  part  containing  one  nail. 

Of  course  you  cannot  do  it ;  we  could  not  do 
it  ourselves,  and  had  to  get  the  white  mice  to  show 
us  the  way. 

Somehow  or  another  we  never  can  find  out  any 
thing  with  half  a  dozen  taper  fingers  fluttering 
before  our  eyes.  They  bewilder  us  terribly,  getting 
between  the  feet  of  our  ideas,  so  to  speak,  and  trip 
ping  us  up ;  as  young  lambs  might  serve  an 
awkward  shepherd. 

Well,  the  mystery  is  solved  thus :  you  cut  off  the 
upper  circular  part,  containing  two  of  the  nails  ; 
then  by  changing  the  position  of  the  piece,  another 
cut  will  divide  the  horse-shoe  into  six  portions,  each 
containing  one  nail. 

The  next  trick  is  of  a  slightly  different  style. 
Cut  two  pieces  of  card  like  those  represented  in  the 
diagram  and  place  them  in  the  position  represented  ; 

j\r°i 


242  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

the  problem  is,  with  a  small  stick  or  lead-pencil,  to 
raise  them  from  the  table,  without  of  course  touch 
ing  them  with  your  fingers.  You  may  try  this  as 
often  as  you  like.  If  you  succeed,  well  and  good  ;  if 
you  do  not,  you  can  come  back  here  and  refer  to  the 
solution. 


Here  is  a  picture  (No.  2)  representing  the  way 
in  which  it  is  done ;  need  we  add  anything  in  the 
way  of  explanation  ?  We  think  not— so  we  won't 
do  it. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

Nix  has  a  sister  married  to  a  wealthy  leather 
merchant,  whose  place  of  business  is  in  that  odori 
ferous  part  of  New  York  city  called  The  Swamp. 
She  is  very  beautiful,  so  we  call  her  the  Swamp 
Angel,  and  her  husband's  counting-house,  Araby  the 
Blest.  Her  children  we  have  christened  Findings, 
the  youngest  being  always  spoken  of  as  the  last. 
We  have  numerous  jokes,  of  course,  about  the  cob 
bler  sticking  to  his  last,  the  best  quality  of  calf,  and 
so  on.  She  is  very  good-natured,  and  enjoys  our 
badinage  heartily,  having  a  healthy  vein  of  fun  of 
her  own,  which  transmutes  all  the  little  events  of 
domestic  life  into  the  most  refined  humor.  We 
like  humor  in  a  woman,  or  we  should  rather  say  in  a 
gentlewoman ;  her  culture  and  the  natural  tact  pecu 
liar  to  her  sex,  seem  to  eliminate  any  of  those 
grosser  particles  which  the  coarse  sensibilities  of 


244  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

a  man  would  not  detect.  Humor  is  as  fascinating 
in  a  woman  as  sarcasm  is  abominable  ;  it  requires 
the  very  highest  breeding  to  make  the  latter  quality 
moderately  safe  in  the  hands  of  young  women.  For 
our  own  part,  we  would  rather  see  a  woman  chew 
tobacco  than  hear  her  say  sharp  things.  However, 
this  is  a  digression.  Mrs.  Crofton,  as  we  said,  is 
very  fond  of  fun,  and  in  her  house  there  is  that 
perfect  ease  and  abandon  which  can  only  be  en 
joyed  by  well-bred  people  ;  whoever  visits  there  is 
at  home ;  and  a»  favored  few,  of  whom  the  writer  has 
the  honor  of  being  one,  are  treated  quite  as  enfants 
defamille. 

If,  on  calling,  we  find  the  heads  of  the  house 
from  home,  we  know  where  the  claret  and  cigars 
are  kept.  Cicero,  the  negro  waiter,  obeying  stand 
ing  orders,  promptly  serves  up  some  repast,  and 
presses  the  hospitality  of  the  house  upon  us  with 
all  the  aplomb  and  grace  for  which  his  race  are 
remarkable. 

We  drop  into  breakfast  whenever  we  feel  so  dis 
posed,  and  invite  ourselves  to  dinner  or  tea  as 
freely  as  though  our  friends  kept  a  hotel ;  indeed 
we  jocularly  call  their  mansion  by  various  public 
names  :  "  The  Crofton  House,"  "  Fifth  Avenue 
Hotel,"  "  The  Shoe  and  Leather  House,"  etc.,  etc. 
We  have  perpetrated  more  sheer,  downright  non- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  245 

sense  in  their  saloons  than  any  forty  strait-laced 
country  school-children  ever  condescended  to  com 
mit  in  their  rural  play-ground. 

One  day  during  the  holidays,  when  some  four 
teen  or  fifteen  friends  had  dropped  in  quite  promis 
cuous,  and  were  playing  all  kinds  of  tricks,  a  certain 
gentleman,  imported  from  England,  an  officer  in  the 
Guards,  genus  Swell,  "  pwoposed  "  that  we  should 
play  the  Muffin  man.  As  none  of  us  had  ever 
heard  of  this  gentleman  or  the  muffin  business, 
there  was  a  general  cry  for  light. 

"  Oh,  its  vewy  jolly,  I  asshua  yaw.  We  all  sit 
wound  in  a  wing,  yaw  know,  and  one  of  us,  yaw 
know,  sings  : 

"  '  Do  yaw  know  the  muffin  man, 
Do  yaw  know  his  name, 
Do  yaw  know  the  muffin  man, 
That  lives  in  Cwumpet  Lane.' 

Then  the  next  person  answers  : 

"  *  Oh,  yes,  I  know  the  muffin  man, 
Oh,  yes,  I  know  the  muffin  man, 
Oh,  yes,  I  know  the  muffin  man, 
Who  lives  in  Cwumpet*  Lane.' 

Then  he  turns  to  the  next  person,  and  when  each 

*  This  word  means  Crumpet. 


246  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

person  has  sung  his  verse,  yaw  know,  he  then  joins 
in  the  cawus,*  until  it  has  gone  all  wound  ;  f  then, 
yaw  know,  we  all  sing  together : 

" '  We  all  know  the  muffin  man, 
We  all  know  his  name  ; 
We  all  know  the  muffin  man, 
Who  lives  in  Cwumpet  Lane.' 

The  game  is,  yaw  know,  to  keep  a  gwavej  face  all 
the  time.  If  yaw  laugh  yaw  pay  a  forfeit." 

"  The  muffin  man,  the  muffin  man,"  echoed  half 
a  dozen  voices  ;  "  let  us  play  the  muffin  man." 

The  proposition  being  carried  nem.  con.,  we  all 
sat  "  wound  in  a  wing,"  or  round  in  a  ring,  a  circle 
of  individuals  of  every  age  from  three  up  to  seventy. 
The  Englishman,  as  head  instigator,  started  the 
game,  but  before  he  got  half  through  his  verse  we 
were  all  in  convulsions  of  laughter ;  the  next  per 
son  took  it  up,  but  it  was  utterly  useless  to  think 
of  collecting  the  forfeits  ;  we  were  all,  in  spite  of 
every  effort,  like  a  party  of  maniacs  reeling  in  our 
seats  with  merriment.  There  was  something  so 
utterly  idiotic  and  absurd  in  a  large  party  of  re 
spectable,  rational  beings,  congratulating  them 
selves  in  song  that  they  "  knew  the  muffin  man  of 
Crumpet  Lane." 

*  This  word  means  Chorus. 

t  Round.  $  Grave. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  247 

The  English  swell  was  immediately  made  an 
honorary  member  of  our  order,  which  is,  as  yet, 
without  a  name. 

As  we  had  all  laughed  our  throats  dry,  Mr.  Crof- 
ton  invited  us  into  the  next  room  to  see  a  man,  as 
the  Immortal  Artemus  delicately  expresses  it,  so 
we  all  went  in  and  saw  the  man.  Some  of  us  saw 
him  in  ice  claret,  some  in  hot  punch,  and  some  in 
cool  champagne.  One  of  Crofton's  children,  a 
maiden  aged  three  years,  whom  they  called  Toney, 
as  the  diminutive  of  her  Christian  name,  Antonia, 
came  toddling  in  with  the  rest  and  said : 

"Me,  Nooni,  want  see  man."  Whereupon  her 
father  gave  her  a  goblet  of  lemonade.  She  just 
tasted  it,  and  handed  it  back  with  supreme  con 
tempt,  saying : 

"  Me,  Nooni,  want  banny  wasser ;"  which  being 
translated  into  English  means  : 

"  Me,  Toney,  wants  brandy  and  water."  •  * 

The  little  voluptuary  was  satisfied  with  a  glass  of 
weak  claret  punch. 

During  this  conversation,  Bub,  a  patriarch  of 
five  years,  who  had  been  looking  on  with  a  very 
patronizing  air,  now  came  forward,  and  laying  his 
hand  on  his  sister's  shoulder,  lisped  out : 

"  Oh,  you  tunnen  witty  sing,  zats  nice  banny 
water."  Then  turning  to  us  in  a  confidential  way, 


248  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

he  continued  :  "  She's  a  witty  dud  (little  girl)  ;  she 
finks  (thinks)  zats  banny  water ;  banny  water  make 
witty  durls  fick  (sick)  ;  me,  big  boy,  banny  water 
not  make  me  fick." 

We  gave  him  a  nondescript  drink,  flavored  with 
every  liquor  on  the  table,  which  made  him  feel  im 
mensely  proud. 

"  Let  us  play  at  earth,  air,  fire,  and  water,"  said 
Mrs.  Crofton. 

"Very  well,  Toney,"  answered  her  husband. 
"  You  can  play  at  earth,  and  I  will  play  with  the 
fire-water."  So  saying,  he  filled  himself  a  glass  of 
punch,  and  stretched  his  limbs  in  an  easy-chair. 

"  I  think  my  husband  is  the  laziest  fellow  living," 
laughed  Mrs.  Crofton.  "  I  do  believe  if  I  were 
being  carried  off  by  wild  Indians,  he  would  make  a 
note  of  it  in  his  memorandum  book,  to  have  his 
porter  attend  to  the  matter  next  day." 

Nix  here  interposed  :  "  Dear,  dear,  these  family 
quarrels  are  very  painful.  Come,  Toney,  and  help 
to  amuse  the  young  people.  Earth,  air,  fire,  and 
water,  whatever  that  may  be,  is  the  order  of  the 
day.  How  do  you  play  it,  Toney  ? " 

"  You  all  sit  round  the  room,  and  then  one  of  the 
party  throws  something  at  one  of  the  others,  at  the 
same  time  naming  one  of  the  elements,  earth,  or 
air,  or  fire,  or  water  ;  then  he  begins  to  count  one, 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  249 

two,  three,  four,  five,  six,  seven,  eight,  nine,  and  be 
fore  he  says  ten,  the  person  struck  must  name  some 
animal  living  in  the  element  chosen." 

"  Well,  but  what  do  you  throw  at  the  person  ? " 
inquired  Nix  ;  "a  bureau,  or  decanter,  for  in 
stance  ? " 

"  No,  no  ;  something  small  and  soft,  like  a  pair 
of  gloves,  or — or — oh,  I  know,  wait  a  minute  and  I 
will  run  up-stairs  and  get  the  baby's  worsted  ball ; 
that  will  be  just  the  thing." 

While  Mrs.  Crofton  was  absent,  and  she  was 
detained  rather  longer  than  her  mission  seemed  to 
warrant,  Nix,  in  poking  about  in  his  sister's  work- 
basket  in  pursuit  of  mischief,  discovered  a  piece  of 
white  beeswax. 

"  Eureka ! "  he  exclaimed,  "  I  have  it ;  we  will 
play  Toney  a  trick  before  she  comes  back  ;  we  will 
make  her  think  some  one  has  broken  her  new  mirror." 

Saying  this,  he  advanced  to  a  large  pier-glass  be 
tween  the  windows,  and  marked  on  it  a  huge  star 
with  the  white  wax  something  like  the  accompany 
ing  diagram,  and  then  instructed  one  or  two  of  us 
to  make  lamentations  over  it  when  his  sister  should 
return.  We  had  not  to  wait  long  :  in  a  few  minutes 
Mrs.  C.  entered  the  room,  whereupon  we  conspira 
tors  set  to  work  gesticulating,  and  talking  over  the 

supposed  catastrophe. 

ii* 


50  THE   ART  OF  AMUSING. 

"  Dear  !  dear  !  "   said  one,  "  how  unfortunate  !  " 
"  How  did  it  happen  ? "  queried  a  second. 


"  I  really  don't  know,"  answered  a  third.  "  I 
merely  heard  a  crash,  and " 

Here  the  lady  came  on  the  scene,  looking  quite 
flushed. 

"  I  knew  you  children  would  be  in  some  mis 
chief,"  she  said,  "  while  I  was  away.  I  suppose  this 
is  some  of  my  clumsy  brother's  work.  He  never 
comes  into  the  house  without  destroying  some 
thing." 

"  I'm  very  sorry,"  whined  Nix,  contritely ;  "  it 
was  quite  an  accident,  I  assure  you  ;  but  I  wonder 
whether  it  could  not  be  mended  ? " 

"  Mended  !    you    goose,"    exclaimed     his    sister. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  251 

"  Who  ever  heard  of  mending  a  broken  mirror  !  It 
will  take  a  pretty  big  cheque  on  your  banker  to 
mend  that,  sir." 

"  I  am  not  so  sure  of  that,"  replied  Nix.     "  If  it  is 

not   very   bad    I    might any   way    I    will    try." 

Suiting  the  action  to  the  words,  he  advanced  to 
wards  the  mirror  in  such  a  position  that  his  sister 
could  not  see  what  he  did,  and  very  deliberately 
wiped  out  the  wax  marks  with  his  pocket-handker 
chief.  The  astonishment  of  Mrs.  C.  at  this  miracle 
knew  no  bounds,  nor  could  the  gift  of  any  amount 
of  new  pier-glasses  have  given  her  more  pleasure. 

"  Now,  then,  all  take  your  seats  ;  we  are  going  to 
play  earth,  air,  fire,  and  water." 

The  circle  is  formed  ;  our  hostess  holds  the  wool 
len  ball  poised  in  her  hand  for  an  instant,  and  then 
sends  it  flying  into  the  bosom  of  a  grey-haired  old 
gentleman,  at  the  same  time  uttering  the  word  "  air," 
and  commencing  to  count  rapidly,  "  one,  two,  three, 
four,  five,  six,  seven,  eight,  nine,  ten."  The  old 
gentleman  seemed  utterly  paralysed  until  she  had 
finished  counting,  when  he  stammered  out,  "  Wh — 
h — h — h — h — PIG  !  "  amidst  the  roars  of  laughter 
'of  every  one  present.  Of  course  he  had  to  pay  a 
forfeit,  and  took  his  turn  at  throwing  the  ball. 

No   one  who   has    not    seen    this    game   played 
can   conceive   how  ludicrous    it    is,  or  how  much 


252  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

good  wholesome  laughter  may  be  got  out  of  it. 
When  a  sufficient  number  of  forfeits  had  accumu 
lated,  they  were  cried  in  the  usual  manner.  A 
good  deal  of  ingenuity  was  displayed  in  awarding 
the  tasks  as  well  as  in  executing  them.  One  was 
that  the  owner  of  this  "  pretty  thing  "  should  make 
an  impromptu  containing  the  names  of  every  one 
in  the  room,  and  was  managed  in  the  following 
style  : 

"  Three  Howards — Corsey,  Toney,  Archibald,  and  Nix, 
Bub,  Brown,  Campbell,  Jim  and  Jane  have  got  me  in  a  fix." 

Another  task  imposed  was,  that  the  owner  of  a 
cigar-case  should  give  us  a  riddle  no  one  could 
solve.  Going  into  the  next  room,  this  person  pro 
cured  a  glass  of  wine,  and  holding  it  up  said  :  "  Gen 
tlemen,  I  give  you  '  the  ladies.'  ".  No  one  attempted 
to  solve  this  riddle.  Another  gentleman  was  or 
dered  to  point  out  the  greatest  goose  in  the  room. 
This  delicate  task  he  set  about  performing  in  the 
following  manner :  he  went  to  one  young  lady  and 
asked  her  to  hold  up  her  face  to  the  light,  which 
she  did,  whereupon  he  imprinted  a  chaste  salute  oh 
her  lips  ;  he  then  went  to  the  next,  but  she  per 
sisted  in  holding  down  her  head.  He  then  turned 
round  to  his  tasker  and  said  :  "  Really  it  is  impossi 
ble  for  me  to  determine  which  are  the  geese  if  they 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  253 

will  not  allow  me  to  examine  their  bills."     He  was 
let  off. 

When  all  the  forfeits  were  restored,  even  to  little 
Toney's  pocket-handkerchief,  which  she  recovered 
by  throwing  herself  into  her  papa's  arms  and  hug 
ging  him  round  the  neck,  as  the  prettiest,  and  witti 
est,  and  one  she  loved  best,  we  all  adjourned  to  broiled 
oysters  and  chicken  salad. 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 


A  FEW  days  ago  when  the  blistering  sun  had 
converted  the  whole  of  New  York  city  into  one 
vast  bake-oven,  Nix  called  at  our  office,  and  propos 
ed  a  flying  trip  to  a  certain  watering-place.  We 
will  not  mention  its  name  for  fear  of  incurring  the 
suspicion  of  writing  puffs.  It  was,  however,  suffi 
ciently  unfashionable  to  be  tolerably  comfortable. 
In  order  to  reach  our  destination  we  took  an  early 
steamboat,  leaving  New  York  at  six  o'clock  in  the 
morning.  With  what  intense  satisfaction  we  be 
came  conscious  of  possessing  lungs  as  we  inhaled 
the  cool  air  which  had  been  washing  itself  all  night 
in  the  great  waves  of  the  Atlantic  ocean,  or  sleep 
ing  among  the  pine-woods  of  Delaware  and  New 
Jersey.  There  is  nothing  surely  which  makes  one 
feel  more  grateful  for  the  gift  of  life  than  to  breathe 
the  early  morning  air,  laden  with  the  perfume  of 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  255 

salt-water.  On  this  occasion  the  bracing  atmosphere 
gave  a  relish  to  everything.  The  crisp  broiled  ham, 
the  clam-fritters,  and  even  the  miserable  coffee  we 
had  for  breakfast  on  board,  all  tasted  like  food 
worthy  of  the  gods.  And  as  for  our  cigars  (genuine 
Havanas)  which  followed  the  meal,  their  incense 
fairly  sent  us  up  to  the  seventh  heaven  of  delight. 
But  our  business  is  to  write  on  the  Art  of  Amusing, 
and  although  an  early  steamboat  trip  may  be  one 
of  the  most  enjoyable  of  things,  it  scarcely  comes 
within  the  sphere  of  our  work. 

When  we  arrived  at  the  hotel,  we  found  the  lady 
guests  were  in  process  of  organizing  a  fair  for  the 
benefit  of  the  sufferers  by  the  great  Portland  fire. 

Nix  rushed  into  the  enterprise  with  his  usual 
enthusiasm ;  and  by  that  evening,  when  the  fair 
commenced,  had  fully  qualified  himself  to  start  in 
business  as  a  Three-sticks-a-penny-man.  This 
plebeian  pastime  he  had  picked  up  at  some  English 
race  or  fair  he  had  once  visited,  and  now  attempted 
with  considerable  success  to  acclimatize  in  Ame 
rica.  His  first  step  was  to  go  to  the  village  store 
and  purchase  a  number  of  penknives,  jack-knives, 
pincushions,  tobacco-boxes,  and  similar  contrap^ 
tions.  His  second  care  was  to  cut  half-a-dozen 
hickory-sticks  or  wands,  of  about  four  feet  six 
inches  in  length,  and  of  the  thickness  of  your 


256  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

middle  finger — that  is,  if  you  are  blest  with  as 
spacious  a  paw  as  ourself;  if  not,  we  feel  at  a  loss 
how  to  convey  to  your  mind  an  approximate  idea 
of  the  measurement.  But  suppose  you  take  any 
healthy  Irish  day-laborer,  and  make  his  third  finger 
the  standard,  not  the  part  where  the  knobs  are, 
but  the  spaces  between  them.  Well,  Nix  cut  six 
sticks  of  about  the  thickness  of  a  healthy  Irish 
day-laborer's  third  finger,  in  the  spaces  between  the 
joints  or  knobs.  He  then  cut  a  dozen  other  sticks 
of  about  the  thickness  of  anybody's  wrist,  and  about 
two  feet  long.  Good !  When  he  wished  to  com 
mence  operations  on  the  fair-ground  he  selected  a 
piece  of  level  turf,  and  on  one  side  of  it  dug  six 
holes  about  the  size  of  the  late  Daniel  Webster's 
hat ;  these  holes  he  half  filled  with  sand,  and  in  the 
centre  of  every  hole  he  then  stuck  one  of  the  sticks 
of  about  the  thickness  of  a  healthy  Irish,  etc.,  etc. 
Then  on  the  top  of  each  stick  he  balanced  a  jack- 
knife,  pin-cushion,  or  some  other  object  of  more  or 
less  value.  Now  all  his  preparations  were  complet 
ed.  He  was  prepared  to  receive  customers.  Stand 
ing  in  a  commanding  attitude,  at  a  distance  of 
about  thirty  feet  from  the  arrangement  we  have 
described,  he  cried  out  in  truly  English  style : 

"  Now,   ladies   and    gents,   ere    yer   are — three 
sticks  a  penny.     Any  lady  or  gent  wishin  to  make 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  257 

a  immediate  fortin,  and  marry  the  being  of  his  art 
on  the  result,  have  only  to  invest  a  few  dollars  in 
my  establishment,  and  he  will  retire  wealthy  in  arf 
a  nour.  Here,  ladies  and  gents,  look  at  these  ere 
sticks"  (holding  up  one  of  the  clubs  about  the  thick 
ness  of  anybody's  wrist),  "  hall  you  ave  to  do  is  to 
throw  one  of  these  ere  at  them  there"  (pointing  to 
the  pincushions,  etc.) ;  "  hany  article  you  knock  orf 
is  yourn,  provided  it  don't  fall  inter  the  ole.  Now, 
all  I  charge  you  for  the  priviledge  orf  throwin' 
three  of  these  sticks,  is  the  radicerlously  small  sum 
of  ten  cents.  You  are  sure  to  win  five  dollars 
each  time.  Now,  walk  up ;  walk  up,  and  take  yer 
chance,  and  make  yer  everlastin  fortin  ;  marry  the 
hobject  of  yer  haffections,  and  build  yer  pallatial 
willa  on  the  Udson." 

Here  a  courageous  youth  stepped  up,  examined 
the  whole  arrangement  minutely,  and  concluded  to 
invest  ten  cents.  Fortunately  for  Nix  and  the 
cause  this  youth  knocked  off  a  dollar  jack-knife  at 
the  first  throw.  The  consequence  was  an  immense 
rush  of  patronage;  indeed,  the  sport  became  so 
exciting  that  two  similar  establishments  could  have 
been  kept  in  active  operation.  As  it  was,  Nix 
cleared  fifty-four  dollars  over  and  above  all  expenses 
for  the  good  of  the  fair,  and  the  benefit  of  the  poor 
folks  of  Portland. 


258  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

One  of  Nix's  most  profitable  customers  was  a 
good-natured  flashy  young  man  of  the  wholesale 
dry-goods  pattern,  who  appeared  each  day  in  some 
new  shade  of  mustard-colored  clothing,  from  the 
delicate  yellow  of  freshly  mixed  pure  Durham  to 
the  rich  tones  of  stale  German.  He  told  us  in  con 
fidence  that  he  had  intended  to  go  to  Saratoga,  but  the 
old  gentleman  and  old  lady  (his  father  and  mother) 
had  insisted  on  his  coming  down  with  them  to 

"this  d d  hole;"  then,  suddenly  recollecting 

that  we  had  all  probably  come  from  chance,  he 
added : 

"  Oh,  this  is  a  very  nice  place  ;  first-rate ;  I  don't 
say  anything  about  that,  only  I  had  a  party  of 
friends  going  up  to  Saratoga,  and  they'll  expect  me ; 
they  know  there's  always  fun  going  on  where  I  am. 
It  don't  make  any  difference  to  me  whether  I  spend 
fifty  dollars  or  five  hundred.  I'm  bound  to,  have  a 
good  time.  I  appreciate  anything  ;  tha's  —  any 
thing,  you  know— -tha's  got  any  wit  into  it,  you 
know.  Well,  you  know,  there  are  some  people  who 
ain't  got  any  idea ;  don't  seem  to  appreciate,  you 
know.  Now,  when  I  saw  you  throwin'  sticks,  well, 
I  piled  right  in  ;  I  didn't  care  about  it,  of  course, 
only  I  saw  what  you  were  doing  it  for,  and  I  didn't 
care.  Some  people  would  think  it  awful  vulgar, 
you  know,  but  I  don't  care  ;  that's  the  sort  of  man  I 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  259 

am.  Perhaps  I  shouldn't  have  liked  some  of  my 
aristocratic  lady  friends  to  have  seen  me ;  but  then 
down  here,  you  know.  Oh,  I'd  just  as  lief  have 
given  the  money  to  the  fair ;  I'd  spent  thirty  dollars 
before  in  slippers  and  things,  and  then  gave  'em 
back.  I  didn't  want  'em,  you  know,  only  I  like  to 
see  things  lively ;  there's  bound  to  be  fun  when 
I'm  round." 

However,  we  will  not  follow  our  good-natured 
friend  through  his  long  monologue  of  refined 
egotism ;  we  merely  introduced  him  because  he 
showed  us  a  variety  of  tricks,  two  of  which  we 
think  worth  recording  in  our  book  on  amusements. 
On  the  morning  after  the  fair,  Nix  and  ourself,  in 
company  with  the  mustard-colored  aristocrat,  took 
a  bath  in  the  ocean.  The  aristocrat  appeared  in 
the  water  attired  in  a  sumptuous  bathing  dress, 
smoking  a  cigar  which  he  told  us  cost  $800  per 
thousand ;  which,  he  frankly  confessed,  he  thought 
too  high  a  price  for  a  man  to  pay  for  cigars 
in  these  times.  He  further  stated  that  he  relished 
smoking  in  the  water  very  much.  To  our  inquiry 
whether  there  was  no  danger  of  the  waves  putting 
it  out,  he  replied  by  informing  us  that  he  could  dive 
under  water  with  a  lighted  cigar  in  his  mouth  with 
out  extinguishing  it. 

"  D'you  see  that  boat  there  ? "  he  said,  pointing  to 


260  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

a  small  scow  about  a  hundred  and  fifty  yards  dis 
tant.  "  Well,  I  will  dive  under  that ;  you  watch 
me,  and  you  will  see  me  come  up."  We  thought 
there  must  be  some  hoax  in  the  matter,  and  so  kept 
a  strict  eye  upon  his  movements.  He  swam  out  to 
the  craft,  gave  a  plunge  and  a  kick,  after  the  man 
ner  of  ducks  in  a  pond,  disappeared,  and  came  up 
on  the  other  side,  calmly  puffing  his  weed.  Never 
having  seen  or  heard  of  the  feat  before,  Nix  and 
ourself  were  what  the  ancient  Greeks  used  to  call 
flabbergasterd.  When  he  had  enjoyed  his  triumph 
and  our  bewilderment  for  a  few  minutes,  he  showed 
us  how  it  was  done  ;  simply  by  putting  the  lighted 
end  of  the  cigar  in  his  mouth  just  before  going 
under  water,  that  was  all.  He  added  :  "  I  will 
show  you  something  better  if  you  will  come  up  to 
the  shooting-gallery  after  we  get  through  bathing. 
Did  you  ever  see  a  man  ring  the  bell  with  his  back 
to  the  target  ? " 

Arrived  at  the  shooting-gallery,  our  young  friend 
procured  a  mirror  which  he  hung  on  the  wall  oppo 
site  the  target,  then  placing  himself  in  front  of  the 
former,  with  his  back  to  the  latter,  he  held  the 
pistol  over  his  shoulder  and  took  aim,  looking  at 
the  image  of  the  pistol  in  the  glass  as  if  it  were  the 
pistol  itself;  that  is,  in  such  a  manner  that  the 
reflection  of  the  object  was  covered  by  the  reflec- 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  261 

tion  of  the  pistol ;  he  then  fired,  and  came  within 
an  inch  of  the  bull's-eye. 

When  we  got  back  to  the  hotel  he  amused  us  by 
setting  fire  to  a  glass  of  alcohol  with  a  burning 
glass.  He  placed  a  silver  dollar  (a  red  cent  would 
have  answered  as  well)  in  the  spirit,  and  then  direct 
ed  the  rays  of  the  sun  through  the  burning-glass 
on  the  metal ;  in  an  instant  the  liquid  was  all  ablaze. 

In  the  afternoon  this  same  youth  called  us  all  to 
enjoy  a  trick  he  had  played  upon  the  old  gentleman. 

The  old  gentleman,  it  appeared,  was  engaged  in 
reading  Macaulay's  History  of  England,  and  like  a 
methodical  old  gentleman,  whenever  he  laid  down 
the  book,  marked  the  place  where  he  left  off.  On 
the  day  in  question  his  son  had  abstracted  his  book 
from  its  accustomed  place,  and  painted  on  the  page 
following  the  one  he  was  reading  a  very  excellent 
imitation  of  a  fly.  At  his  usual  hour  the  old 
gentleman  was  seen  to  put  on  his  spectacles, 
and  take  up  the  book ;  all  those  in  the  secret  were 
of  course  on  hand  ;  presently  he  came  to  the  passage 
on  which  appeared  the  counterfeit  fly ;  the  old  gen 
tleman  shook  the  book,  but  the  fly  stirred  not ; 
then  he  blew  at  it ;  then  he  laid  down  the  volume, 
and  deliberately  taking  out  his  handkerchief,  made 
a  pass  at  the  offending  insect  with  that  weapon, 
replaced  his  handkerchief,  settled  his  glasses,  took 


262  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

up  the  book  again,  but  to  his  utter  surprise  the  fly 
still  remained.  A  light  seemed  now  to  dawn  on 
him — the  fly  had  got  crushed  between  the  leaves — 
so  he  essayed  to  remove  it  with  his  finger-nail ; 
here  his  hopeful  offspring  could  stand  it  no  longer, 
and  burst  into  a  roar  of  laughter,  in  which  several 
others  joined.  When  the  joke  was  explained  to  the 
worthy  victim,  he  said :  "  Now,  that's  very  good, 
isn't  it ;  very  good.  I  made  sure  it  was  a  real  fly, 
as  true  as  you  live.  Look  here,  wife  ;  look  at  this, 
some  of  Master  Tom's  doing ;  good,  ain't  it ;  as  true 
as  you  live,  that's  a  fact.  Ah  !  Ha  !  "* 

Later  in  the  evening  Young  Hopeful  horrified  a 
circle  of  ladies  by  discovering  at  their  feet  a  huge 
spider ;  in  the  midst  of  their  shrieks  and  exclama 
tions  a  courageous  gentleman  with  large  whiskers 
stepped  forward  to  crush  the  intruder,  raised  his  foot, 
and  brought  it  down  firmly,  but  staggered  back 
astounded — the  creature  had  exploded  with  a  loud 
report,  conveying  an  idea  of  vindictiveness  and 
power  truly  appalling.  The  young  gentleman 
took  us  aside  and  explained  the  mystery,  at  the 
same  time  producing  from  his  pocket  a  small  box 
containing  some  half-dozen  similar  spiders. 

"  I  have  them  made  on  purpose  for  me,"  he  said. 

*  We  have  since  seen  a  somewhat  similar  trick  played  by  painting  a  fly  on  the 
face  of  a  watch  or  inside  the  glass. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  263 

"  A  German  porter  in  our  store  first  put  me  up  to 
it,  and  I  told  him  to  set  to  work  and  make  me  as 
many  as  he  liked,  and  charge  me  any  price  he 
chose.  I  tell  ye,  that  Dutchman  thinks  I'm  a  great 
boy.  I  pay  him  about  five  dollars  a  week  for 
spiders  ;  well,  you  know,  that's  a  good  deal  for  a 
man  like  him ;  only  gets  twelve  dollars  a  week  in 
the  store." 

We  examined  the  specimen  carefully,  and  found 
it  was  constructed  very  much  on  the  plan  of  the  torpe 
does  used  by  children  on  the  Fourth  of  July ;  only 
the  paper  was  brown  and  a  little  thicker,  and  there 
were  legs  of  fine  wire  attached,  which  gave  it  a  very 
lifelike  and  spidery  appearance.  The  Dutchman 
had  evidently  gone  into  the  matter  con  amore,  for 
he  had  taken  the  pains  to  wash  some  of  his  speci 
mens  with  gum,  and  then  sprinkle  them  with  wool- 
dust  to  produce  the  appearance  of  what  are  called 
hairy  spiders.  About  one-third  of  a  grain  of  ful 
minating  silver  produces  the  explosion  in  each. 
They  are  very  easily  made. 

As  we  steamed  back  to  the  great  city  of  New 
York  next  day,  Nix  said  he  thought  we  had  made  a 
very  good  investment  of  three  red-hot  days  of  mid 
summer  time.  We  thought  so,  too. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 


WE  are  not  a  great  advocate  for  arithmetical 
puzzles  as  a  pastime  for  festive  occasions,  that  is  to 
say  not  as  a  general  rule  ;  but  there  are  certain  tricks 
of  figures  which  are  quite  amusing,  and  some  few 
problems  which  from  their  very  simplicity  become 
almost  ludicrous.  We  have  seen  many  a  tolerably 
wise  head  puzzled  over  the  question  : 

"  If  a  barrel  of  flour  cost  thirty-nine  dollars  thir 
teen  and  three  quarter  cents,  what  will  a  penny  loaf 
come  to  ? " 

And  consume  considerable  time  and  paper  with 
out  discovering  the  obvious  fact,  that  a  penny  loaf 
will  of  course  come  to  a  penny  and  nothing  else. 

We  remember,  too,  an  amiable  Divine,  who 
tortured  his  dear  old  head  for  three-quarters  of  an 
hour  to  solve  the  question : 

"If  a   shovel,   poker,   and   tongs,   cost   thirteen 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  265 

dollars  forty-three  and  a  quarter  cents,  what  will  a 
ton  of  coals  come  to  ? " 

And  when  informed  that  they  would  come  to 
ashes,  he  seemed  to  feel  quite  hurt ;  and  indeed,  to 
labor  for  some  time  under  a  sense  of  having  been 
trifled  with.  When  told  that  it  was  merely  a  joke, 
a  little  fun,  he  replied  that  he  was  a  great  admirer 
of  Don  Quixote,  could  appreciate  Gil  Bias,  and 
relished  exceedingly  the  wit  of  Swift  and  Sterne ; 
but  failed  to  perceive  the  particular  humor  of  our 
joke  about  the  ton  of  coals. 

With  all  due  respect  for  the  estimable  prelate,  we 
must  venture  to  differ  from  him,  fortified  as  we  are 
in  our  opinion  by  a  young  lady,  who,  if  not  a 
divine  herself,  has  a  pair  of  eyes  that  are,  in 
whose  company  we  have  solved  some  of  the  most 
intricate  arithmetical  jocularities  and  trivialities,  till 
we  were  up  to  the  eyes  in  ink  and  love.  One  we 
well  remember,  partly  because  it  gave  us  so  much 
trouble,  and  partly  because  there  was  a  wild  pi6lu- 
resqueness  about  the  subject  which  appeals  to  our 
imagination.  It  ran  thus  : 

A  man  has  a  wolf,  a  goat,  and  a  cabbage,  to  carry 
over  a  river,  but  he  can  only  convey  them  one  at  a 
time,  his  boat  being  very  small.  How  is  he  to 
manage  this,  so  that  the  wolf  may  not  be  left  alone 
with  the  goat,  nor  the  goat  with  the  cabbage  ?  It 


266  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

is  obvious  if  the  wolf  be  left  with  the  goat,  he  will 
eat  it  up  ;  whilst  if  the  goat  be  left  with  the  cabbage, 
short  work  will  be  made  of  that  classic  vegetable. 

Oh,  how  often  we  crossed  and  recrossed  that 
river ;  how  often  we  took  the  goat  out,  and  put  the 
wolf  in  ;  and  how  frequently  we  took  out  the  wolf, 
and  put  in  the  goat.  How  we  trembled  for  the 
poor  man,  fearing  there  could  be  no  alternative  for 
him  but  to  sacrifice  either  the  goat  or  the  cabbage, 
or  else  kill  the  wolf.  How  varied  and  wild  were 
our  expedients,  such  as  throwing  the  wolf  across, 
sending  the  cabbage  round  by  express,  digging 
a  tunnel  under  the  bed  of  the  river,  forcing  the 
proprietor  to  eat  the  cabbage  himself,  towing  the 
goat  behind  the  boat,  and  other  devices  too  nume 
rous  to  mention,  all  of  which  we  were  assured, 
by  those  holding  the  key  to  the  mystery,  were 
altogether  inadmissible ;  and  then  when,  with  hum 
bled  pride,  we  rductantly^mv  it  up,  how  mad  we  were 
at  the  simplicity  of  the  solution,  which  was  this : 

He  first  takes  over  the  goat,  and  then  returns  for 
the  wolf;  he  then  takes  back  the  goat,  which  he 
leaves,  and  takes  over  the  cabbage,  he  then  returns 
and  takes  over  the  goat.  All  as  simple  as  A,  B,  C, 
when  you  know  how  to  do  it ;  that  knowing  how  to 
do  it  is  the  great  difficulty  in  ninety-nine  out  of 
every  hundred  things  in  this  world. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  267 

Puzzles  which  involve  long  and  laborious  calcula 
tion  are  not  in  our  line  ;  they  are  too  suggestive  of 
the  school  and  the  country  room.  Something  like 
the  following  is  good  for  skirmishing : 

PROBLEM. 

Put  down  four  nines,  so  that  they  will  make  one 
hundred. 

After  a  short  struggle  you  surrender  at  discre 
tion,  and  in  an  instant  get  the 

SOLUTION. 


There  is  no  delay,  no  tedious  figuring  up  ;  you  get 
your  answer  and  are  ready  for  something  fresh. 
Some  such  abstruse  calculation  as  the  following,  for 
instance : 

PROBLEM. 

If  a  herring  and  a  half  cost  three  cents,  how 
many  will  you  get  for  a  dollar  ? 

To  ladies,  who  as  a  general  rule  have  not  the 
'organ  of  calculation  very  largely  developed,  this  will 
usually  prove  a  poser.  As  the  problem  is  to  be 
solved  by  patience  and  study,  we  will  leave  them  to 
do  it,  or  give  it  up,  and  proceed  to  the  next. 


268  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

PROBLEM. 

A  gentleman  sent  his  servant  with  a  present  of 
nine  ducks  in  a  box,  upon  which  was  the  following 
direction : — 

"To  Alderman  Gobble  with  IX.  ducks." 

The  servant,  who  had  more  ingenuity  than  hon 
esty,  purloined  three  of  the  ducks,  and  contrived  it 
so  that  the  number  contained  in  the  box  corre 
sponded  with  that  upon  the  direction.  As  he 
neither  erased  any  word  or  letter,  nor  substituted 
a  new  direction,  how  did  he  so  alter  it  as  to  corre 
spond  with  the  contents  of  the  box  ? 

The  dishonest  but  ingenious  servant  simply  placed 
the  letter  S  before  the  two  Roman  numerals,  IX. 
The  direction  then  read  thus  : 

"To  Alderman  Gobble,  with  SIX  ducks." 

It  will  be  seen  that  this  problem  is  very  easy 
of  solution  to  every  one,  save  Artemus  Ward,  who 
would  spell  it  Sicks  dux  in  a  bocks. 

Here  is  one,  however,  which  would  suit  the  taste, 
if  not  the  ability,  of  the  great  showman  to  a  nicety : 

PROBLEM. 

.  .  .A;    **-.'.      i  il 

To  distribute  among  three  persons  twenty-one 
casks  of  wine,  seven  of  them  full,  seven  of  them 
empty,  and  seven  of  them  half  full ;  so  that  each  of 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


269 


them  shall  have  the  same  quantity  of  wine,  and  the 
same  number  of  casks. 

This  problem  admits  of  two  solutions,  which  may 
be  clearly  comprehended  by  means  of  the  two 
following  tables : 


FIRST    SOLUTION. 


Half  full. 
3 
3 

i 


Half  full. 
i 

i 
5 

One   more    problem,   and   we    shall     have    had 
enough  mathematics  for  one  chapter. 


Persons. 

Full  casks. 

Empty. 

I 

2 

2 

2 

2 

2 

3 

3 

3 

SECOND 

SOLUTION. 

Persons. 

Full  casks. 

Empty. 

i 

3 

3 

2 

3 

3 

3 

i 

i 

2;o 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


A  figure  similar  to  the  preceding  can  be  formed 
without  removing  the  pencil  from  the  paper,  without 
crossing  any  line  or  retracing  any  part.  Now  set 
to  work  and  do  it. 

If  you  do  not  succeed,  you  may  refer  to  the 
annexed  diagram  and  solution. 


* 

3 

2 
\ 

\ 

\ 

*1 

Draw  a  line  from  i  to  2,  2  to  3,  3  to  4,  4  to  5, 
5  to  6,  6  to  i,  i  to  7,  7  to  8,  8  to  9,  9  to  3,  3  to  10, 
and  10  to  i. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 


WE  have  observed  that  Tableaux  and  Charades 
run  in  some  families,  and  that  these  families  are 
always  ready  to  spend  any  amount  of  time  and 
money  to  carry  out  their  favorite  ideas  ;  we  cannot 
help  feeling  considerable  admiration  for  any  one 
having  some  honest  enthusiasm  for  any  amusement 
in  this  toiling  age  of  ours.  But  our  mission  is  not  to 
deal  much  with  the  costly  or  complicated.  Those 
who  wish  to  produce  tableaux  from  Waverley  or  the 
Bride  of  Abydos,  who  desire  to  attire  themselves  as 
Mary  Queen  of  Scots,  Di  Vernon,  or  Dolly  Varden, 
we  leave  to  their  own  devices,  giving  only  our  best 
wishes.  There  are,  however,  charades  to  be  got 
up  on  the  spur  of  the  moment,  which  are  not 
less  entertaining  than  the  more  elaborate  perform 
ances  to  which  we  allude.  We  will  mention  one  or 
two  which  have  come  tinder  our  observation  during 


2/2  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

a  chequered  existence  ;  they  may  serve  to  give  the 
key-note,  if  nothing  more. 

On  the  occasion  of  a  certain  impromptu  party, 
the  lady  of  the  house  begged  some  of  her  guests  to 
get  up  something  which  would  entertain  the  rest, 
some  charades,  or  what  not.  Two  gentlemen 
consulted  for  a  moment,  and  then  took  up  their 
positions  in  the  back  of  the  parlor,  which  represent 
ed  the  stage.  One  sat  down  to  read,  whilst  the 
other  crept  up  slyly  behind  him,  and  much  to  his 
dismay  turned  off  the  gas.  They  then  both  rose 
and  declared  the  charade  completed,  leaving  it  to 
the  audience  to  divine  the  answer.  Whether  any 
one  guessed  it  or  not  we  do  not  know — but  the 
answer  was  Gastric — Gas-trick. 

Another  gentleman  then  stepped  into  the  stage, 
with  a  large  hat  at  the  back  of  his  head,  and  began 
calling  —  "  Mooley,  mooley,  mooley  ;  com,  com, 
mooley.  Where  kin  that  keow  a  poked  herself  now  ? 
she's  allers  a  concealing  of  herself  somewheres  or 
another — mooley,"  etc., 

His  riddle  was  now  concluded,  and  he  desired  the 
audience  to  give  him  the  answer. 

The  answer  was  Cow-hiding. 

A  famous  physician  and  wit  was  the  next  to 
come  forward,  accompanied  by  a  friend.  They 
took  positions  in  opposite  corners  of  the  room, 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  273 

advanced  towards  each  other,  and  as  they  passed, 
the  friend  said  to  the  doctor,  "  How  do,  Doctor  ? " 
To  the  surprise  of  all,  they  declared  the  charade 
completed.  No  one  could  guess  it,  of  course  ;  the 
answer  was  metaphysician,  met-a-physician. 

Again  they  took  their  positions  precisely  as 
before,  announcing  that  they  were  about  to  give 
another  charade.  Again  they  walked  across  the 
room,  and  as  they  passed,  one  said  to  the  other, 
"  How  do,  again  ? "  This  was  the  conclusion  of  the 
second  charade  ;  quite  as  puzzling  as  the  first,  only 
more  so.  The  answer  was  metaphor  —  met-afore. 
This  absurdity  was  received  with  roars  of  laughter 
and  thunders  of  applause. 

Charades  of  this  kind,  we  are  inclined  to  think, 
give  more  real  pleasure  after  all,  than  the  studied, 
costly  elaborations.  They  are  perhaps  not  so  pret 
ty  ;  but,  ye  gods !  where  there  are  pretty  women, 
what  else  could  mortal  man  desire  in  the  way 
of  beauty ! 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 


A  CERTAIN  young  lady  with  whom  we  are 
acquainted  has  discovertu  a  new  art,  which  seems 
to  absorb  a  great  portion  of  her  being.  It  is 
a  method  by  which  almost  anything  may  be  trans 
muted  into  coral.  The  consequence  of  this  disco 
very  is  that  the  English-basement  house  in  which 
the  maid  in  question  dwells,  is  converted  into 
a  perfect  mermaid's  grotto.  We  told  her  so  the 
other  day,  since  which  she  has  called  us  her  Triton  ; 
and  further  intimated  that  in  order  to  preserve  the 
fitness  of  things,  we  might  invite  her  to  an  oyster 
supper  at  Delmonico's.  This  hint  we  took  with  the 
avidity  of  a  pickerel ;  but  alas  for  the  fickleness  of 
woman,  and  our  visions  of  marine  happiness,  the 
damsel  changed  her  position  and  absolutely  declin 
ed  accepting  our  hospitality,  even  to  the  extent  of  a 
shrimp. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  2/$ 

It  is  marvellous  what  very  poor  jokes  afford  rich 
amusement,  when  they  are  passed  amongst  intimate 
friends.  When  we  called  the  lady  in  question, 
South  Coral-ina,  every  one  present  seemed  quite 
amused ;  indeed  only  one  person,  an  obnoxious 
individual  with  large  whiskers,  seemed  to  resent  it 
at  all : — but  now  that  the  title  by  frequent  repetition 
has  assumed  the  character  of  a  nickname,  it  is 
always  received  as  an  exquisite  piece  of  humor. 
Numerous  ramifications  of  this  subject  afford  us 
endless  themes  for  badinage. 

We  profess  to  ridicule  the  idea  that  involuntary 
servitude  is  abolished,  when  South  Coral-ina  holds 
ourselves  and  so  many  others  in  slavery.  She  retorts 
by  calling  us  Neptune,  and  asking  after  the  telegraph 
cable.  When  this  badinage  had  been  going  on  for 
some  time,  our  friend  Nix  played  quite  a  pretty 
hoax  on  the  ladies.  He  arrived  one  evening  with  a 
somewhat  dirty-looking  basket  on  his  arm  filled  with 
oysters.  This  was  rather  an  inelegant  thing  to 
bring  into  the  parlor,  and  naturally  excited  some 
surprise ;  but  when  he  began  to  take  out  the 
grimy-looking  bivalves,  and  one  by  one,  hand 
them  round  to  the  ladies,  there  was  a  com 
motion  bordering  on  indignation ;  the  first  lady 
declined  to  receive  so  plebeian  a  gift,  whereupon 

Nix  took  a  penknife  from  his  pocket  and  opened  it ; 
12* 


t 

276  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

revealing  the  inside  lined  with  rich  velvet,  and 
bearing  some  trinket  made  of  gold  and  pearls. 
This  was  in  payment  of  a  bet  of  an  oyster  supper 
which  he  had  playfully  made  with  and  purposely 
lost  to  one  of  the  ladies. 

But  to  revert  to  our  Coral.  We  often  aided  the 
fair  mermaid  in  her  manufactures,  making  sprays  of 
coral  nearly  as  large  as  in  currant  bushes,  coral 
walking-canes,  coral  ear-rings,  pen  racks,  paper 
weights,  and  other  useful  articles.  We  converted 
into  coral — walnuts,  small  mud-turtles,  birds'  claws, 
sea-shells,  and  indeed  almost  everything  on  which 
we  could  lay  our  hands.  Finally  we  took  paterfami 
lias'  felt  hat  one  night  and  gave  it  a  couple  of  coats 
of  scarlet  varnish,  much  to  the  astonishment  of  that 
good  gentleman  when  he  wished  to  put  it  on  next 
morning. 

The  mode  of  making  these  coral  ornaments  is,  of 
course,  very  simple ;  otherwise  it  would  not  find 
a  place  in  this  book : 

RECEIPT. 

To  two  drachms  of  fine  vermilion,  add  one  ounce 
of  clear  resin,  and  melt  them  together ;  paint  the 
object  with  this  mixture  while  hot,  and  then  hold  it 
over  a  gentle  fire  till  it  is  perfectly  covered  and 
smooth. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  2/7 

To  make  sprays  of  coral  you  should  procure  some 
twigs  of  thorn  ;  peel  and  dry,  before  painting  with 
the  varnish. 

The  Nix  gift  of  pearls  has  set  all  the  ladies 
to  work  on  a  new  idea — painting  pictures  in  oil- 
colors  on  the  inside  of  oyster  shells  ;  these  are 
mostly  marine  subjects  where  the  natural  hues  of 
the  shell  supply  the  requisite  tints  for  the 
clouds  and  water.  One  of  these  little  works  repre 
sented  a  fish,  where  the  sheen  of  the  mother- 
of-pearl  gave  a  marvellously  natural  effect  to  the 
scales  and  gills. 

They  have  also  taken  to  making  pictures  on  egg 
shells  in  water-colors,  which  are  very  pretty.  One 
egg  they  tattooed  all  over  with  pen-and-ink  ara 
besque,  and  emblazoned  with  crimson  and  gold.  It 
looks  very  handsome,  though  possibly  of  not  quite 
so  much  practical  use  as  a  locomotive  or  a  reaping- 
machine.  Still,  let  us  always  remember  that  quota 
tion  from  Goethe : 

"  Encourage  the  beautiful,  the  useful  will  take  care 
of  itself* 

To  which  we  might  add  a  paraphrase  of  our 
own  : 

"  Encourage  the  amusing,  the  dreary  will  take 
care  of  itself." 

For  our  own  part  we  have  serious  ideas  of  organ- 


278  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

izing  a  SOCIETY  FOR  THE  ENCOURAGE 
MENT  OF  AMUSEMENT.  We  firmly  believe 
that  judicious  and  rational  amusement  tends  more 
to  make  men  healthy,  wealthy,  and  wise,  than  ever 
did  early  rising,  for  which,  nevertheless,  we  have 
profoundest  respect.. 


CHAPTER   XXVII. 


To  those  who  are  fond  of  charades,  and  indeed  to 
all  those  good  people  who  love  to  be  merry,  we 
commend  what  the  French  call  charades  en  aftion, 
or  pantomime  charades.  These  charades,  as  the 
name  indicates,  are  acted,  not  spoken.  The  great 
rule  to  be  observed  is  silence,  nothing  more  than 
an  exclamation  being  allowed  In  extreme  cases, 
where  it  is  utterly  impossible  to  convey  the  idea  by 
actions,  a  placard  may  be  introduced  bearing  some 
helpful  inscription,  as  in  the  case  of  Mr.  Cuffy  (in 
the  charade  on  carpet  which  we  shall  presently 
give),  who  draws  from  his  bosom  a  monster  letter 
from  Mr.  Swab,  which  he  displays  to  the  audience. 
In  addition  to  the  information  it  conveys,  the  pro 
duction  of  this  preposterously  large  note  is  calcu 
lated  to  create  a  laugh. 

The  chief  merit  in  a  charade  actor  is  inventive  in 
genuity  in  so  adapting  the  domestic  adjuncts  of  an 


280  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

ordinary  household  as  to  supply  the  place  of  neces 
sary  theatrical  properties  and  wardrobe.  We  have 
seen  a  very  respectable  Richard  Coeur  de  Lion  made 
up  of  the  tinware  of  an  ordinary  cooking-range  ;  and 
Queen  Elizabeth,  frill,  hair  and  all,  out  of  a  few 
copies  of  the  Daily  Tribune.  We  have  known  a 
steam  rlre-engine  to  be  manufactured  out  of  a 
baby's  crib  and  a  tea-kettle  ;  and  Bunker  Hill  monu 
ment  from  two  chairs,  a  fishing-rod,  and  a  sheet. 
Those  who  have  followed  us  so  far  through  these 
pages,  have  gone  through  a  good  course  of  study, 
and  will  start  with  great  advantages  in  the  pursuit 
of  charade-acting. 

For  the  convenience  of  our  clients  we  add  a  list 
of  words  which  may  be  acted  as  charades. 

LIST   OF   CHARADE   WORDS. 

Accent  .  .  Axe — cent. 

Accident  .  .  Axe — sigh — dent. 

Altar  .  '•-.  .  Awl— tar. 

Artful.  \v  .  Art— full. 

Apex  .  .  Ape — X. 

Bagpipe  .  .  Bag — pipe. 

Bandage  .  .  Band — age. 

Bedlam  .  .  Bed — lamb. 

Bustard  Bust — tarred. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


281 


Behead 

Blacksmith . 

Bulrush 

Buttress 

Catsup 

Carboy     •  „ 

Corselet       , 

Cribbage 

Crossbow     . 

Cutlass     '   « 

Cartel 

Cartoon    .    . 

Cashier 

Dolphin  •: -..- 

Donkey 

Ductile 

Definite     ^ 

Footpad 

Flatten     '-  .- 

Gastric       "  ^J 

Gallic 

Hamlet 

Handcuff    . 

Hartshorn  . 

Hemlock 

Henpeck 

Humbug 


Bee — head. 

Black— smith. 

Bull— rush. 

Butt — tress. 

Cat — sup. 

Car — boy. 

Course — let. 

Crib — age. 

Cross — beau. 

Cut — lass. 

Car— Tell  ( William). 

Cart — tune ! 

Cash — ear. 

Doll— fin. 

Don — key. 

Duck — tile. 

Deaf — inn — night. 

Foot — pad. 

Flat— ten. 

Gas — trick. 

Gall— lick. 

Ham— let. 

Hand— cuff. 

Hearts — horn. 

Hem — lock. 

Hen — peck. 

Hum — bug. 


282 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


Humdrum   . 

Idol     . 

Ill-bred 

Instep 

Implore 

Invest 

Incite 

Jackal 

Jury  /*-       .-. 

Sappet 

Linch-pin    . 

Loadstone  . 

Mastiff 

Messmate    . 

Mistake 

Muffin 

Nightmare  . 

Nightshade . 

Outfit 

Pardon 

Payday     .,  . 

Phantom 

Picnic 

Pilot 

Pollute         . 

Puppet 

Prior 


Hum — drum. 
Eye — doll. 
Ill— bread. 
Inn — step. 
Imp — lore. 
Inn — vest. 
Inn — sight. 
Jack — awl. 
Jew — rye. 
Sap — pet. 
Linch — pin. 
Load — stone. 
Ma— stiff. 
Mess — mate. 
Miss — take. 
Muff— fin. 
Night — mare. 
Night — shade. 
Out— fit. 
Pa — don. 
Pay — dey. 
Fan — torn. 
Pick — nick. 
Pie— lot. 
Poll— lute. 
Pup — pet. 
Pry — oar. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  283 

Ringlet  .  .  Wring— let. 

Sauce-box  .  .  Sauce — box. 

Seesaw  .  .  Sea — sore. 

Shamrock  .  .  Sham — rock. 

Spinster  .   •  .  Spin — stir. 

Surtout  .  . '  Sir — tout,  or  Sir — two. 

Toilet  .-  V  Toy— let. 

Waistcoat  .  .  Waste — coat. 

Welcome  .  .  Well — come. 

Wilful  .    :  .  Will— full. 

Yellow  Yell— low. 


284  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


CARPET. 

A    CHARADE    IN    THREE    ACTS. 
ACT    I. 


Dramatis  Persona, 
CAR-DRIVER.     CONDUCTOR.     PASSENGERS. 

SCENE  —  Sixth  Avenue,  New  York. 

Scene  opens  and  discovers  street-car  driving 
furiously  along,  drawn  by  two  chestnut  acquaint 
ances.  Conductor  and  driver  represented  by  two 
small  boys.  Car  composed  of  lounge,  clothes- 
horse,  and  two  chairs,  judiciously  arranged  and 
draped  ;  wheels  of  band  box-lids  or  circular  tea- 
trays.  Noise  of  car  simulated  by  confederates  out 
side  shaking  sleigh-bells  or  hand-bells,  and  drum 
ming  on  door  with  ringers  and  hand  ;  also  rattling 
on  floor  with  feet. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


2S 


Enter  some  passengers,  running  and  hailing  car. 
Bell  rings,  by  knocking  goblet  with  spoon.  Car 
stops. 


Passengers  rush  towards  car.  Gentleman  is  in 
the  act  of  stepping  on  car  when  bell  rings,  and  car 
suddenly  starts  off,  throwing  gentleman  violently 
to  the  ground.  Great  screaming  and  wailing ; 
friends  gather  round  and  try  to  raise  him  ;  find  he 


is  insensible  ;  all  immediately  begin  shaking  their 


286 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


fists  at  conductor ;  then  simultaneously  they  be 
think  themselves  of  the  propriety  of  taking  the 
number  of  the  car.  All  draw  out  their  memoran 
dum-books  and  commence  writing.  Conductor  and 
driver  make  gestures  of  defiance. 


Grand  tableau. 


ACT  II. 

PET. 

Dramatis  Persona, 
HUSBAND  AND  WIFE. 

Enter  lady  poutingly,  followed  by  her  husband, 
who  tries  to  coax  her  into  a  good  humor,  but  with 
out  avail.  She  persists  in  being  in  a  pet.  Husband 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  287 


by  his  gestures  promises  to  buy  her  shawls, 


dresses, 


a  piano, 


and  even 


288 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


a  riding-horse.* 

Finding  all  these  promises   are   of  no  use,  he 
begins   to   get   excited  ;    declares   she   shall   have 


nothing  ;  lady  remains  sulky  ;  gentleman  seizes 
his  hat,  rams  it  on  his  head,  and  exit.  Lady  walks 
off  in  the  opposite  direction,  clenching  her  fists. 

*  To  convey  this  idea,  the  gentleman  must  neigh  while  he  prances. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


289 


ACT   III. 

CARPET. 


Dramatis  Persona, 
IRISHMAN.    COLORED  MAN.    SERVANT  GIRL. 

SCENE — Street-door  of  fashionable  house — door-plate 
of  white  paper  on  door  bearing  the  name  of  Swab. 

Enter  colored  man,*  with  his  face  well  spotted 
with  whitewash,  who  rings  at  door  of  fashiona 
ble  house. 

*  The  usual  way  of  making  a  colored  man  is  by  blacking  the  face  with  burnt 
cork ;  but  as  gentlemen  at  evening  parties  sometimes  object  to  undergoing  this 
ordeal,  a  good  nigger  may  be  manufactured  by  stretching  a  piece  of  dark  silk 
across  the  face  and  cutting  out  holes  for  the  eyes  and  mouth.  Hair  can  be  made 
of  cotton  wadding. 


290 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


Irish  servant  appears  with  her  sleeves  rolled  up 
and  her  dress  pinned  in  the  form  of  a  dress-coat 
behind.  She  turns  up  her  nose  at  darkey,  who 


humbly  intimates  that  he  has  called  for  the  carpet. 
Girl  slams  the  door  in  his  face.  Colored  man  con 
siders  this  outrageous  conducl,  as  he  has  been 
specially  requested  to  call  for  orders,  and  produces 
the  following  note  from  Mr.  Swab  : 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


29I 


"  MR.  CUFFY  : 

"  Please  call  at  No.   13  Fifth  Avenue,  for 

carpet. 

"JOHN  SWAB." 


€ 


VI  I!  I  <? 


He  points  to  note  and  name  on  door  to  show 
he  has  come  to  the  right  house. 

Enter  Irishman,  who  approaches  Mr.  Swab's  door 
and  rings  bell ;  reappear  girl,  who  smiles  as  she 
produces  a  roll  of  carpet.  Cuffy  steps  forward  and 
expostulates,  showing  Mr.  Swab's  letter.  Irishman 
pitches  into  Cuffy,  and  a  furious  fight  ensues,  in 
which  the  girl  joins  with  a  broom. 


THE    END    OF    CARPET. 


292  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


CATASTROPHE.' 

A   CHARADE    IN    FOUR   ACTS. 

ACT  I. 

CAT. 

Dramatis  Persona, 
CAT.    DOG.    OLD  GENTLEMAN. 

SCENE — Backyard  of  city  house,  with  small  table 
placed  on  top  of  other  table,  to  represent  window. 

Enter  cat  (head  done  up  in  brown  paper,  with 
cat's  face  painted  on  it,  brown  paper  ears,  tail  made 
out  of  lady's  boa,  black  silk  handkerchief,  or  any 
suitable  thing). 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


293 


Cat  commences  to  meow  and  caterwaul.  Old 
gentleman  appears  at  window  with  nightcap  on 
and  sheet  wrapped  round  him,  and  shakes  his  fist 
at  cat.  Cat  continues  to  make  a  noise. 


Old  gentleman  gets  very  angry,  shakes  both  his 
fists,  withdraws  into  room,  reappears  with  hair 
brush,  which  he  throws  at  cat.  Cat  continues 
to  make  a  noise.  Old  gentleman  commences  a 
fusilade  of  boots,  books,  combs,  and  toilet  articles 
generally.  Cat  makes  more  noise  than  ever,  put 
ting  up  her  back  and  spitting  at  the  objects  as  they 
fell  around  her.  The  old  gentleman  is  almost  in 
despair,  when  suddenly  a  bright  idea  strikes  him, 


294 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


which  he  expresses  by  pantomime,  placing  his 
finger  to  the  side  of  his  nose  and  winking.  He 
disappears  from  the  window.  Presently  is  heard 
the  rattling  of  a  chain  and  barking  of  a  dog. 

Enter   dog,  barking    furiously,  and   pursues   cat 
out    of   yard.      Old    gentleman    rubs    his    hands 


with  glee,  and  pats  dog  on  head.     Dog  frisks  about. 


ACT  II 

Ass. 

Dramatis  Persona, 

Ass.    RAG  AND  SOAP-FAT  MAN.    SERVANT  GIRL. 
SCENE — Public  Street. 

Enter  rag  and   soap-fat   man   dragging   donkey 
after  him.     Donkey  dragging  cart  made  of  chair 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  295 

with  bandbox-lid  wheels,  cart  filled  with  odds  and 


ends  of  tinware,  old  rags,  etc.  Donkey  very  ob 
stinate  ;  driver  beats  him  with  roll  of  stiff  paper. 
Servant  hails  soap-fat  man  and  offers  for  sale  seve 
ral  large  jarsful  of  drippings,  sheets,  pillow-cases, 
etc.,  belonging  to  her  mistress.  They  chaffer  for 
some  time  over  the  bargain,  but  finally  agree  upon 
a  price.  The  money  (all  copper  pennies)  is  about 
to  change  hands  when  the  donkey,  close  by,  gives 
an  unearthly  bray,  which,  to  their  guilty  consciences, 
sounds  like  the  voice  of  some  avenging  spirit ;  both 
scream,  drop  the  money  on  the  floor,  and  rush  off; 
donkey  turns  round  and  runs  off  too. 


296  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

ACT  III. 

TROPHY. 

Dramatis  Persona?, 
SOLDIERS. 

SCENE — A  camp,  tents  made  of  sheets  hung  over 
chairs,  etc. 

Enter  soldiers,  leading  prisoners,  and  bearing 
ragged  and  shot-torn  flag  on  broomstick,  band  play 
ing  trumpets  (sheets  of  music  rolled  up),  and  beat 
ing  drums  (tin  pails) ;  they  halt  and  form  in  line ;  the 
officer,  by  suitable  gestures,  calls  attention  to  the 
trophy. 


Enter  general  and  staff.  General  makes  a  speech, 
pointing  to  the  trophy,  and  then  decorates  their 
captain  by  pinning  a  medal  (a  circular  soda-cracker 
fastened  to  a  bit  of  red  ribbon  will  do)  on  his  breast. 
All  strike  an  attitude,  and  the  scene  closes. 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING  297 

ACT  IV. 

CATASTROPHE. 

Dramatis  Persona?, 

GENTLEMEN.    LADIES.    HORSES  AND  POLICEMEN. 
SCENE — Central  Park. 

A  superb  carriage,  made  out  of  the  lounge  with 
bandbox-lid  wheels,  and  drawn  by  a  span  of  spirited 
bay  gentleman,  is  discovered  ;  an  elegant  youth  is 
seated  on  the  box  driving,  whilst  the  carriage  is 
filled  with  a  gay  and  festive  party  of  youthful  ladies 
and  gentlemen. 


Presently  the  horses  become  restive,  plunge 
wildly  about,  and,  in  spite  of  all  the  efforts  of  the 
driver,  dash  the  vehicle  against  a  post ;  the  inmates 

13* 


298 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


scream  and  tumble  out.  Enter  two  policemen, 
who  seize  the  horses,  put  the  driver  on  his  legs, 
and  carry  the  rest  of  the  party  to  the  hospital  on 
stretchers  made  of  the  clothes-horse. 


CHAPTER   XXVIII. 


THOSE  TRANQUIL  MOODS  to  which  allusion  has 
already  been  made  on  several  occasions,  have  now 
become  a  decided  feature  in  our  character.  There  is 
certainly  something  very  charming  in  the  society  of 
well-bred  women.  However,  we  hope  before  long 
we  need  not  be  forced  from  home  to  find  that  enjoy 
ment.  We  have  discovered  the  object  of  Nix's 
recent  gifts  of  Brahminical  works.  It  was  a  pon 
derous  roundabout  species  of  humor  peculiar  to 
Nix,  the  works  in  question  being  supposed  to  fur 
nish  appropriate  study  for  a  person  in  our  pre 
sumed  position  as  admirer  of  Bud  (or  Boodh). 

Nix  has  for  some  time  past  made  himself  very 
wearisome  with  continual  allusions  to  Vishnu, 
Siva,  Buddhism,  and  so  forth.  We  gained  one 
idea,  however,  from  his  jest.  We  have  written  a 
Hindoo  play,  the  plot  of  which  turns  on  the  love  of 


300  THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 

a  devout  Brahmin.  The  play  is  entirely  finished 
save  the  last  act,  which  is  complete  up  to  the  point 
where  Neer  Je  Haun  declares  his  love  for  the  Un 
blown  Rose. 

THE  LAST  ACT  OF  THE  PLAY. 

We  took  our  play  to  the  Adams'  to-night,  and 
told  Bud  that  it  was  nearly  completed,  but  we  were 
in  some  embarrassment  how  to  conclude  it.  We 
had  consequently  come  to  consult  her  on  the  sub 
ject,  begging  at  the  same  time  she  would  give  it 
her  most  careful  attention,  as  her  decision  was  of 
vital  importance.  We  were  alone.  We  had  read 
the  whole  play  through  with  the  utmost  care,  till 
we  came  to  the  final  sentence  in  our  manuscript, 
where  the  hero  declares  his  passion  for  the  Un 
blown  Rose.  It  runs  thus  : 

Neer  Je  Haun.  "  Light  of  my  soul,  whose  voice  is 
sweeter  than  the  murmur  of  the  Ganges,  whose 
name  is  incense  to  my  nostrils,  whose  eyes  are 
brighter  than  the  fire-flies  by  night — my  highest 
ambition  is  to  be  thy  slave,  my  greatest  hope  to 
•guard  thee  from  harm,  to  bask  in  the  radiance  of 
thine  eyes.  For  thee  I  would  sacrifice  all  other 
earthly  happiness.  When  I  pray  thee  to  share  my 
humble  fortunes,  turn  not  away  thy  proud  head  ; 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING.  301 

parch  not  my  soul  with  scorn,  though  well  I  should 
deserve  such  a  fate  for  my  temerity." 

Now  turning  to  Bud,  we  asked  her  to  decide  what 
answer  the  lover  should  receive ;  should  he  be 
accepted  or  rejected  ?  ,  , 

"  Oh,  accepted,  of  course ! "  eagerly  exclaimed 
Bud,  her  bright  eyes  kindling  with  sympathy  for 
the  ardent  Hindoo. 

"  It  is  well ! "  we  replied,  and  wrote  down  the 
maiden's  answer. 

"  I  will  trust  my  life  in  thy  hands  from  this  day 
till  death." 

"  Is  that  right  ? "  we  asked. 

She  said  it  was,  though  perhaps  a  little  cold. 

We  then  drew  from  our  breast  pocket  one  sheet 
of  the  manuscript  she  had  not  yet  seen.  It  was 
the  title  of  the  play  : 

THE   WORSHIP    OF   BUD. 

Bud  colored — looked  at  us  in  an  embarrassed 
way,  and  then  with  much  hesitation  was  about  to 
speak,  when  we  stretched  out  our  hand  and 
said  : 

"You  will  not  make  us  alter  what  we  have 
written  ? " 

She  gave  no  answer,  but  from  the  pressure  of 
her  hand  we  knew  we  need  doubt  no  more. 


302 


THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. 


Now  this  heathen  idolater  would  not  change 
places  with  the  greatest  Christian  monarch  in 
Europe. 


THE    END. 


ISSUED  BY 

Carleton,  Publisher 


There  is  a  kind  of  physiognomy  in  ike  titles 
of  books  no  less  than  in  the  facts  of 
men,  by  which  a  skilful  observer 
will  know  as  well  what  to  ex 
pect  from  the  one  as  the 
oilier? — BUTLER. 


NEW    BOOKS 
And   New   Editions   Recently  Issued   by 

CARLETON,    PUBLISHER,  ' 
M:\\  YORK, 

418    BROADWAY,    CORNER    OF   LISPENARD    STREET 


N.B. — THB  PUBLISHER,  upon  receipt  of  the  price  in  advance,  will  send  »ny  of 
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Victor  Hugo. 

LES  MISERABLES. — The  best  edition,  two  elegant  8vo.  7ols., 
beautifully  bound  in  cloth,  $5.50  ;  half  calf,  $10.00 

LES  MISERABLES. — The  popular  edition,  one  large  octavo  vol 
ume,  paper  covers,  $2.00;  cloth  bound,  $2.50 

LES  MISERABLES. — In  the  Spanish  language.  Fine  Svo.  e^Uion, 
two  vols.,  paper  covers,  $4.00  ;  cloth  bound,  $5.00 

JARGAL. — A  new  novel.     Illustrated.        .     I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

THE  LIFE  or  VICTOR  HUGO. — By  himself.  Svo.  cloth,  $1.75 

Miss  "M  M  Io«-h. 

JOHN  HALIFAX. — A  novel.  With  illustration.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

A   LIFE   FOR    A    LIFE. .  do.  do.  -&I-75 

Charlotte  Bronte  (Currer  Bell).   . 

JANE  EYRE. — A  novel.     With  illustration.     I2mo.,  cloth,  $1.75 
THE  PROFESSOR. — do.        •        do.  •  do.  $I-75 

SHIRLEY. —       .    do.        .        do.  .  do.  $i-75 

VILLETTE. —      .    do.        .        do.  .  do.  $i-75 

Hand- Book*  of  Society. 

THE  HABITS  OF  GOOD  SOCIETY  ;  with  thoughts,  hints,  and 
anecdotes,  concerning  nice  points  of  taste,  good  manners, 
and  the  art  of  making  oneself  agreeable.  The  most  enter 
taining  work  of  the  kind  ever  published.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 
THE  ART  OF  CONVERSATION. — With  directions  for  self-culture. 
A  sensible  and  instructive  work,  that  ought  to  be  in  the 
hands  of  every  one  who  wishes  to  be  either  an  agreeable 

talker  or  listener I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

THE  ART  OF  AMUSING. — A  collection  of  graceful  arts,  games, 
tricks,  puzzles,  and  charades,  intended  to  amuse  everybody, 
and  enable  all  to  amuse  everybody  else.  With  suggestions  for 
private  theatricals,  tableaux,  parlor  and  family  amusements, 
etc.  With  nearly  1 50  illustrative  pictures.  1 2mo.  cloth,  $2.00 


4  LIST  OF  BOOKS  PUBLISHED 

Mrs.  Mary  J.  Holmes'  Works. 

'LENA  RIVERS.  —      ,  .,,  \V       •   A  novel.      I2mo.  cloth, 

DARKNESS   AND   DAYLIGHT.  —          .  do.  do. 

TEMPEST   AND    SUNSHINE.  —         j*.  '          do.  do. 

MARIAN   GREY.  -  .  .  .  do.  do. 

MEADOW    BROOK.  —  .  .  do.  do. 

ENGLISH  ORPHANS.  —  do.  do. 


.50 

.50 

.50 
.50 
.50 
.50 


DORA    DEANE.  —  ...k^v       .  .  do.  do.  \    .50 

COUSIN  MAUDE.  —      .        .        .        do.  do. 

HOMESTEAD    ON    THE    HILLSIDE.  -  do.        .  do.  $1-50 

HUGH   WORTHINGTON.  —         .  .  do.  do.  $1.50 

Artemns  Ward. 

HIS  BOOK.  —  The  first  collection  of  humorous  writings  by  A. 

Ward.     Full  of  comic  illustrations.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

BIS  TRAVELS.  —  A  comic  volume  of  Indian  and  Mormon  adven 

tures.     With  laughable  illustrations.        I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

Miss  Augusta  J.  Evans. 

BEULAH.  —  A  novel  of  great  power.        .        I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

MACARIA.  —        do.  do.  .  do.        $i-75 

ST.  ELMO.  —         do.  do.     Just  published,      do.         $1-75 

By  the  Author  of  "Rutledge." 

HUTLEDGE.—  A  deeply  interesting  novel.         I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

THE    SUTHERLANDS.  -  do.  ..  .  do.  $1-75 

FRANK    WARRINGTON.  -  do.  ,  .  do.  $1-75 

ST.  PHILIP'S.  —    .         .        do.  .        .  .         do.          $1-75 

LOUIE'S   LAST   TERM   AT    ST.    MART'S.       .  .  do.  $1-75 

ROUND  HE  ARTS  AND  OTHER  STORIES.  -  Just  published    do.          $1-75 

Josh  Billings. 

HIS  BOOK.  —  All  the  rich  comic  sayings  of  this  celebrated  hu 
morist.    With  comic  illustrations.  .     I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

Mrs.  Ritchie  (Anna  Cora  Mowatt). 

FAIRY  FINGERS.  —  A  capital  new  novel.      .     I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

THE   MUTE    SINGER.  -  do.  do.  $1-75 

A  NEW  BOOK.  —  In  press.  .       >.      ;,  do.         $175 

•s<-\\  English  Novels. 

BEYMINSTRE.  —  A  very  interesting  novel.          I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

RECOMMENDED  TO    MERCY.  -      do.  .  .  do.  $1-75 

TAKEN    UPON   TRUST.  —  do.          ''.     '       .  do.  $1-75 

Geo.  IV.  Carleton. 

OUR  ARTIST  IN  CUBA.  —  A  humorous  volume  of  travels  ;    with 
fifty  comic  illustrations  by  the  author.        I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

OUR   ARTIST   IN    PERU.  —  In  press  ......      $  I  JO 


£Y  OEO.    W.  CARLETON,  NSW  YORK. 


A.  S.  Roe's  Works. 

A   LONG   LOOK   AHEAD. —  A  novel.  I2mO.  cloth,  $1.50 

TO    LOVE    AND    TO    BE  LOVED. do.      .  *     ."  do.  $1.50 

TIME    AND    TIDE. do.       .  .  do.  $1.50 

I'VE   BEEN   THINKING. do.      ,  .«  do.  $1.50 

THE    STAR   AND   THE   CLOUD. —       do.      .  •-«.•  do.  $I«5C 

TRUE    TO    THE    LAST. do.       .  .  do.  $1.50 

HOW   COULD   HE    HELP   IT? —          do.      .  .  do.  $i-5O 

LIKE    AND    UNLIKE. do.       .  .  do.  $'1.50 

LOOKING    AROUND. do.      .  .  do.  $I-5O 

WOMAN,  OUR  ANGEL. — Just  published.       '          do.  $1.50 

Richard  15    K inibul  1. 

WAS  HE  SUCCESSFUL. —        A  novel.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

UNDERCURRENTS. —  d<D.  .  ,  do.  $1-75 

BAINT   LEGER. —  do.  .  .  do.  $1-75 

ROMANCE    OF   STUDENT    LIFE. —  do.  .  J  •  >-  do.  $1-75 

IN   THE   TROPICS. do.  .    -  ,  ,  do.  $1-75 

THE    PRINCE    OF   KASHNA. do.  .  .  do.  $1-75 

BMILIE.— A  sequel  to  "  St.  Leger."     In  press.        do.       $1.75 
Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 

THE  ORPHEUS  c.  KERR  PAPERS. — Comic  letters  and  humorous 
military  criticisms.     Three  series.        .     I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

Edmund  Kirke. 

AMONG  THE  PINES. — A  Southern  sketch.         I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

MY    SOUTHERN   FRIENDS. — •  do.  .  .  do.  $I-5O 

DOWN   IN   TENNESSEE. do.  .  .  do.  $1.50 

ADRIFT    IN   DIXIE. —  do.  .  .  do.  $1.50 

AMONG   THE    GUERILLAS. —  do.  .  .  do.  $1.50 

A  NEW  BOOK. — In  press.        do.        .        .  do.          $1-50 

T.  S.  Arthur's  New  Works. 

LIGHT   ON  SHADOWED  PATHS. — A  HOVel.  I2H1O.  cloth,  $1.50 

OUT   IN   THE   WORLD. —  do.     .  .  do.  f1^0 

NOTHING   BUT   MONEY. —  do.     .  .  do.  $I-SO 

WHAT    CAME  AFTERWARDS. do.      .  .  do.  $1.50 

OUR  NEIGHBORS. — Just  published.      .        .  do.          $1.50 

Robinson  Crusoe. 

A  handsome  illustrated  edition,  complete.     I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 
Joseph  Rodman  Drake. 

IHE  CULPRIT  FAY. — A  faery  poem.        .         I2mo.  cloth,  $1.25 

AN  ILLUSTRATED  EDITION. — With   loo  exquisite  illustrations  on 

wood.  .        .     Quarto,  beautifully  printed  and  bound,  $5.00 

Epidemic  Cholera. 

A  handy -book  for  successful  treatment.         I2mo.  cloth,  $1.00 


LIST  OF  BOOKS  PUBLISHED 


Cuthbert  Bede. 

VERDANT  GREEN. — A  rollicking,  humorous  novel  of  English  stu 
dent  life ;  with  200  comic  illustrations.         I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

Private  Miles  O'Reilly. 

BAKED  MEATS  OF  THE  FUNERAL. — A  COnilC  book.  1 2niO.  cloth,  $1-75 

LIFE  AND  ADVENTURES — with  comic  illustrations,      do.       $1.50 
M.  Michelet's  Remarkable  "Works. 

LOVE  (L' AMOUR).— From  the  French.  .        .     I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 
WOMAN  (LA  FEMME). —        do.  .        .  do.        $1.50 

JT.  Sheridan  lie  Pn  tin. 

WYLDER'S  HAND. — A  powerful  new  novel.       I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

THE   HOUSE   BY    THE   CHURCHYARD. —      do.  do.  $1-75 

Rev.  John  dimming,  !>.«>.,  of  London. 

THE   GREAT   TRIBULATION. — TWO  Series.  I2mO.  cloth,  $1.50 

THE    GREAT    PREPARATION. —  do.  .  do.  $1.50 

THE    GREAT    CONSUMMATION. —      do.  .  do.  $1.50 

Ernest  Renan. 

THE  LIFE  OF  JESUS. — From  the  French  work.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

THE   APOSTLES. .  .  do.        .  .  do.  $1-7? 

RELIGIOUS   HISTORY   AND    CRITICISM. 8vO.  cloth,  $2.50 

Popular  Italian  Novels. 

DOCTOR  ANTONIO. — A  love  story.  By  Ruffini.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 
VINCENZO. —  do.  do.  do.        $1.75 

BEATRICE  CENCI. — By  Guerrazzi,  with  portrait.        do.         $1-75 

Charles   Reade. 

THE  CLOISTER  AND  THE   HEARTH. — A  magnificent  new  novel — 
the  best  this  author  ever  wrote.        .        .     8vo.  cloth,  $2.00 

The  Opera. 

TALES  FROM  THE  OPERAS. — A  collection  of  clever  stories,  based 
upon  the  plots  of  all  the  famous  operas.   I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

Robert  15.  Roosevelt. 

THE   GAME-FISH   OF   THE    NORTH. — Illustrated.  I2H10.  cloth,  $2.OO 

SUPERIOR   FISHING. do.  do.            $2.OO 

IHK   GAME-BIRDS   OP  THE   NORTH. —  do.            $2.OO 

John  Phoenix. 

THE  SQUIBOB  PAPERS. — A  new  humorous    volume,  filled  with 
comic  illustrations  by  the  author.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

Matthew  Hale  Smith. 

MOUNT  CALVARY. — Meditations   in  sacred  places.  I2mo.  $2,00 

P.  T.   Itanium. 
THE   HUMBUGS   OF   THE    WORLD. — TWO   Series.   I2H1O.  cloth,  $1.75 


BTGEO.   W.  CARLE  TON,  NEW  YORK. 


Dr.  J.  J.  Craven. 

THE  PRISON-LIFE  OF  JEFFERSON  DAVIS. — Incidents  and  con 
versations  connected  with  his  captivity.  I2mo.  cloth,  $2.00 

Captain  Raphael  Semmes. 
THE    CRUISE  OF   THE  ALABAMA  AND   SUMTER. —  I2mO.  cloth,  $2.OO 

Pulpit  Pungencies. 
A  new  serio-comic  religious  book. — Very  rich.  I2mo.  cl,  $1.75 

The  Abbe  Guettee. 

THE  PAPACY. — Its  origin  and  schism  with  the  Greeks.  Intro 
duction  by  A.  Cleveland  Coxe,  D.D.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

Manseneld  T.  Walworth. 
STORMCLIFF. — A  new  American  novel.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

Amelia  II   Edwards. 
BALLADS,— By  author  of  "Barbara's  History."  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

Mrs.  JTervey  (Caroline  H.  Glover). 
HELEN  COURTENAY'S  PROMISE. — A  new  novel.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

Walter  Barrett,  Clerk. 

THE  OLD  MERCHANTS  OF  NEW  YORK. — Personal  incidents,  sketches, 
bits  of  biography,  and  events  in  the  life  of  leading  merchants 
in  New  York.  Four  series.  .  .  .  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

"Madame  Octavia  Walton  Le  Vert 
SOUVENIRS  OF  TRAVEL.  New  edition.    Large  I2mo.  cloth,  $2.00 

Kate  Marstone. 
A  new  and  very  interesting  tale.      .        .     I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

By  "  Sentinel." 
WHO  GOES  THERE? — Or  men  and  events.         I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

Junius  Brutns  Booth. 
MEMORIALS  OF  "THE  ELDER  BOOTH." — Theactor.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 

H.  T.  Sperry. 

COUNTRY  LOVE  vs.  CITY  FLIRTATION. — A  capital  new  society  tale, 
with  twenty  superb  illustrations  byHoppin.  I2mo.  cloth,  $2.00 

Epes  Sargent. 

PECULIAR. — A  remarkable  new  novel.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

Cnyler  Pine. 
MARY  BRANDEGEE. — A  very  powerful  novel    I2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

A  NEW  NOVEL. — In  press do.       $1.75 

Elisha  Kent  Kane. 
LOVE-LIFE  or  DR.  KANE  and  Margaret  Fox.    i2mo.  cloth,  $1.75 

Mother  Goose  for  Grown  Folks. 
HUMOBOUS  RHYMES  for  grown  people.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.25 


8       LIST  OF  BOOKS  PUBLISHED  BY  CARLTON,  NEW  YORK. 

Miscellaneous  Works. 

KOTES  ON  SHAKSPEARE. — By  Jas.  H.  Hackett.  I2mo.  cloth,  $1.50 
THE  MONTANAS. — A  nove^  by  Mrs.  S.  J.  Hancock,  do.  $i-75 
PASTIMES  WITH  LITTLE  FRIENDS. — Martha  H.  Butt.  do.  $1.50 
A  SPINSTER'S  STORY. — A  new  novel.  .  .  do.  $1.75 
A  LIFE  OF  JAMES  STEPHENS. — Fenian  Head-Centre,  do.  $1.00 

FEEE  GOVERNMENT  IN  ENGLAND  AND  AMERICA. do.  $3-OO 

AUTOBIOGRAPHY  OP  A  NEW  ENGLAND  FARM-HOUSE. —  do.  $1.7$ 

NEPENTHE. — A  new  novel do.        $1.50 


TOGETHER. do.        ....  do. 

LOVERS  AND  THINKERS. do do. 

POEMS. — By  Gay  H.  Naramore.     ...  do. 

CMDMERY  OF  MONTGOMERY. — By  C.  A.  Washburn.  do. 

TIOTOIRE. — A  new  novel do. 

POEMS. — By  Mrs.  Sarah  T.  Bolton.       .        .  do. 

SUPPRESSED  BOOK  ABOUT  SLAVERY. .            .  do. 

JOHN  GUILDERSTRING'S  SIN. — A  novel.     .        .  do. 
CENTEOLA. — By  author  "  Green  Mountain  Boys."  do. 


1.50 
1.50 
1.50 

2.00 

1-75 
1.50 

2.00 
1.50 
1.50 


RED  TAPE  AND  PIGEON-HOLE  GENERALS. .  do. 

TREATISE  ON  DEAFNESS. — By  Dr.  E.  B.  Lighthill.     do.         $1.50 


AROUND  THE  PYRAMIDS. — By  Gen.  Aaron  Ward.      do.         $1.50 

5.— By 
THE  YAOHTMAN'S  PRIMER. — By  T.  R.  Warren.          do.       50  cts. 


CHINA  AND  THE  ciiiNFSE. — By  W.  L.  G.  Smith.        do.         $1.50 


EDGAR  POE  AND  HIS  CRITICS. — By  Mrs.  Whitman,    do.  $1.00 

MARRIED  OFF. — Illustrated  Satirical  Poem.              do.  50  cts. 

THE  FLYING  DUTCHMAN. — J.  G.  Saxe,  illustrated,     do.  75  cts. 

ALEXANDER  VON  HUMBOLDT. — Life  and  Travels.       do.  $i-5o 

LIFE  OF  HUGH  MILLER. — The  celebrated  geologist,  do.  $1.50 

THE  RUSSIAN  BALL. — Illustrated  satirical  poem.       do.  50  cts. 

THE  SNOBLACE  BALL.            do.                 do.            do.               do.  50  CtS. 

AN  ANSWER  TO  HUGH  MILLER. — By  T.  A.  DavieS.       do.  $1.50 

COSMOGONY. — By  Thomas  A.  Davies.  .         .     8vo.  cloth,  $2.00 

TWENTY  YEARS  around  the  world.  J.  Guy  Vassar.  do.  $3-75 

BUBAL  ARCHITECTURE. — By  M.  Field,  illustrated,    do.  $2.00 


RETURN     CIRCULATION  DEPARTMENT 

202  Main  Librar" 
LOAN  PERIOD  1 
HOME  USE 

4 


ALL  BOOKS  MAY  BE  RECALLED  AFTER  7  DAYS 


ni  IP  AS  STAMPED  BELOW 


DEC  2  2 1980 

RECEIVED  DfC 


CIRCULATION  0£  ' 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA,  BERKELEY 
FORM  NO.  DD6,  60m,  3/80          BERKELEY,  CA  94720  ^ 


19640 


